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Exclusive interview with Michael Jackson! Michael speaks about the accusations against him.

Jackson -- "That would be wrong!"

SPECIAL MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM ISSUE

Ladies have you had an erotic dream involving you, your sister, and the editor of an allegedly humorous internet news publication? If so, let us know, and don't worry, we're not prudes! Winner(s) will receive the opportunity to meet Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin in person!

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

August 11, 2001


McGUFFIN ON THE BUSH STEM CELL DECISION:
by Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin

In a carefully worded speech George W. Bush told the American people that he would permit limited federal funding for stem cell research. Walking the high wire with a skill not seen since The Flying Wallendas, Bush managed to make it sound like stem cell research would continue, without offending his right to life constituency. It is generally believed that the partial funding will appeal to "soccer moms" who do not necessarily support the conservative position against abortion. These middle class women are necessary to ensure a Republican re-election. So Mr.. Bush's stem cell decision is not so much a compromise of science vs.. morality, as it is the first stop on the 2004 campaign trail.

 --MM

AWAY FROM THE MANGER

White House logs show that George W. Bush has spent 42% of his time in office on vacation. Neither Republicans or Democrats seem upset by this, with one Republican leader saying "The only thing he does when he IS around, is get in President Cheney's way."

 

 

NEVER TOO LATE

"Get me one of them interns. Dammit don't ask questions, just get me an intern."

 

WANT A FRIBBLE WITH THAT?

Curtis and Prestley Blake, co-founders of Friendly's Restaurant chain, show the effects of a lifetime of eating there.

THE GODFATHER PART FOUR

Former Mafia boss John Gotti, serving a life sentence for murder and racketeering was taken from his prison cell to St. John's Regional Health Center in Springfield, Mo. Gotti is reportedly in intensive care, after suffering a relapse of cancer. Just prior to his hospitalization, Gotti gave an interview to Untrue News. Commenting on his painful throat cancer, Gotti said "Why me?"

Gotti's family, including his daughter Victoria, flew in to be at the Dapper Don's bedside. Victoria Gotti said she and her current boyfriend planned to spend "as much time with Dad as possible, and since we're so close to Branson, we'll probably catch Andy Williams."

 

 

GAYS WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT BOY SCOUTS

Members of the Gay Men's Health Alliance said today they would refuse membership to boy scouts and scoutmasters who applied in the future. "Of course, we would have no way of knowing if the person had ever been a boy scout or scoutmaster, " said Dan Frangelico, a GMHA spokesman, "so it's sort of a don't ask don't tell situation. But if we find one, out he goes."

 

WORKING THE HOTLINE #404

FBI: Hello, Chandra Levy hotline.
Some Tipster: Hello, I have some information about Chandra Levy.
FBI: Go ahead please.
ST: Okay, she was having an affair with that Congressman, Gary Condit.
FBI: And...?
ST: Well that's it, I thought you might get some use out of that.
FBI: We already know that, sir.
ST: How could you already know that? I just saw it on television, on Geraldo.
FBI: Alright, thank you for calling.
ST: Oh, and she worked for the Bureau of Prisons, I heard that on tv too.
FBI: Thank you.
ST: This is anonymous, isn't it? I don't want to get in trouble.
(click)

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS:

Director Kevin Smith is expected to team up again with Ben Affleck on a low-budget film based on Smith's experiences with his 2-year-old daughter. Production is expected to start in January 2002 or when Affleck sobers up, whichever is later.

 

 

PLANET DER AFFEN/PLANETE DES SINGES/PLANETA DELLE SCIMMIE/PLANETE DE LOS MONOS

In a new promotion, 20th Century Fox and Nokia have signed a deal to promote Planet of the Apes on cell phone screens in Europe. Users of the Nokia devices will be able to log onto the Nokia site where they can download more than 20 different characters and images from the movie. Sarah Meltzer, executive director of international promotions at Fox, said "If Planet of the Apes were not such an atrociously horrid, terrible, boring waste of everyone's time, we'd really have something here."

 

 

 

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Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.FROM THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

I spoke earlier of investigating the Church of Enlightened Assumption (http://church-ea.com). I would not advise you to go there. I have to include the URL or I could get sued (like MK Ultras are doing to me). So it is published here for legal reasons only, there is something very wrong going on there, they're too clever to give actual evidence but all the signs point to it. It sounds like brainwashing to me. Wear your silver foil cap at all times, and you will probably (I can't claim for certain, again for legal reasons, and I am not a doctor or psychiatrist) be safe from harm. Or better yet, be perfectly safe and stay at home and read a book.

Remember, if you begin to feel the effects of brainwashing by aliens you must immediately:

1. Turn off all electric devices in your home, including TV, computer, CD player, VCR. Keep a windup Victrola or manual player piano in your home if you must have music during these times. Turn off musical keyboards, lights, and make sure no water is running. Wear silver foil cap at all times. It may sometimes be necessary to wrap your entire body in silver foil. Keep an extra supply on hand, in case this need arises. Do not answer the door, even if it is asking sensible questions.

2. Sit in the center of the largest room in your home. You will feel the aliens asking you to do things, or perform certain acts. Say no. They will at first treat you nicely, begging and pleading with you, but resist. Then they will become menacing. At this point you will become nervous about your well-being, but now is when you must insist even more adamantly that you deny them permission. They will sulk for a while, then depart.

3. To make sure there are no more aliens in your home, use the Hayden Non-Invasive Alien Probe® (Patent Pending). Simply attach the probe to the control box, and stand in the center of the room, turning slowly in a circle, with the probe pointing to the sides of the room. If the light on the box stays blue, there are no further aliens present, and you may remove the foil and turn the electricity back on. If the light turns red, aliens are still there. If the aliens have not departed, they may merely be loitering, or they may be planning their next attack. If they are not planning an attack, leave them alone and they'll depart in time. If they are planning an attack, kill them. It is sometimes difficult to know if they are planning an attack or not, so use your best judgment.

 --H.H.

The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

 

 

 

 

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