Ladies have you had an erotic dream
involving you, your sister, and the editor of an allegedly humorous
internet news publication? If so, let us know, and don't worry, we're
not prudes! Winner(s) will receive the opportunity to meet Untrue
News editor Mark McGuffin in person!
"If we say it's untrue,
there's no way you can sue."
August 11, 2001
McGUFFIN ON THE BUSH STEM CELL DECISION: by Untrue News editor
Mark McGuffin
In
a carefully worded speech George W. Bush told the American people that
he would permit limited federal funding for stem cell research. Walking
the high wire with a skill not seen since The Flying Wallendas, Bush
managed to make it sound like stem cell research would continue, without
offending his right to life constituency. It is generally believed that
the partial funding will appeal to "soccer moms" who do not necessarily
support the conservative position against abortion. These middle class
women are necessary to ensure a Republican re-election. So Mr.. Bush's
stem cell decision is not so much a compromise of science vs.. morality,
as it is the first stop on the 2004 campaign trail.
--MM
AWAY FROM THE
MANGER
White House logs show that George W.
Bush has spent 42% of his time in office on vacation. Neither
Republicans or Democrats seem upset by this, with one Republican
leader saying "The only thing he does when he IS around, is get in
President Cheney's way."
NEVER TOO LATE
"Get me one of them interns. Dammit
don't ask questions, just get me an intern."
WANT A FRIBBLE WITH THAT?
Curtis and Prestley Blake, co-founders of
Friendly's Restaurant chain, show the effects of a lifetime of eating
there.
THE GODFATHER PART
FOUR
Former
Mafia boss John Gotti, serving a life sentence for murder and
racketeering was taken from his prison cell to St. John's Regional
Health Center in Springfield, Mo. Gotti is reportedly in intensive
care, after suffering a relapse of cancer. Just prior to his
hospitalization, Gotti gave an interview to Untrue News. Commenting
on his painful throat cancer, Gotti said "Why me?"
Gotti's
family, including his daughter Victoria, flew in to be at the
Dapper Don's bedside. Victoria Gotti said she and her current
boyfriend planned to spend "as much time with Dad as possible, and
since we're so close to Branson, we'll probably catch Andy
Williams."
GAYS WILL NO LONGER
ACCEPT BOY SCOUTS
Members of the Gay Men's Health
Alliance said today they would refuse membership to boy scouts and
scoutmasters who applied in the future. "Of course, we would have
no way of knowing if the person had ever been a boy scout or
scoutmaster, " said Dan Frangelico, a GMHA spokesman, "so it's sort
of a don't ask don't tell situation. But if we find one, out he
goes."
WORKING THE HOTLINE #404
FBI: Hello, Chandra Levy hotline.
Some Tipster: Hello, I have some information about Chandra Levy.
FBI: Go ahead please.
ST: Okay, she was having an affair with that Congressman, Gary Condit.
FBI: And...?
ST: Well that's it, I thought you might get some use out of that.
FBI: We already know that, sir.
ST: How could you already know that? I just saw it on television, on
Geraldo.
FBI: Alright, thank you for calling.
ST: Oh, and she worked for the Bureau of Prisons, I heard that on tv
too.
FBI: Thank you.
ST: This is anonymous, isn't it? I don't want to get in trouble. (click)
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
No spam.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
NEWS OF SHOW
BUSINESS:
Director
Kevin Smith is expected to team up again with Ben Affleck on a
low-budget film based on Smith's experiences with his 2-year-old
daughter. Production is expected to start in January 2002 or when
Affleck sobers up, whichever is later.
PLANET DER AFFEN/PLANETE
DES SINGES/PLANETA DELLE SCIMMIE/PLANETE DE LOS MONOS
In
a new promotion, 20th Century Fox and Nokia have signed a deal to
promote Planet of the Apes on cell phone screens in Europe. Users
of the Nokia devices will be able to log onto the Nokia site where
they can download more than 20 different characters and images from
the movie. Sarah Meltzer, executive director of international
promotions at Fox, said "If Planet of the Apes were not such an
atrociously horrid, terrible, boring waste of everyone's time, we'd
really have something here."
FROM
THE
FILES by
Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**
I spoke earlier of
investigating the
Church of
Enlightened Assumption (http://church-ea.com). I would not advise
you to go there. I have to include the URL or I could get sued (like
MK Ultras are doing to me). So it is published here for legal reasons
only, there is something very wrong going on there, they're too clever
to give actual evidence but all the signs point to it. It sounds like
brainwashing to me. Wear your silver foil cap at all times, and you
will probably (I can't claim for certain, again for legal reasons, and
I am not a doctor or psychiatrist) be safe from harm. Or better yet,
be perfectly safe and stay at home and read a book.
Remember, if you begin
to feel the effects of brainwashing by aliens you must immediately:
1. Turn off all
electric devices in your home, including TV, computer, CD player,
VCR. Keep a windup Victrola or manual player piano in your home if
you must have music during these times. Turn off musical keyboards,
lights, and make sure no water is running. Wear silver foil cap at
all times. It may sometimes be necessary to wrap your entire body in
silver foil. Keep an extra supply on hand, in case this need arises.
Do not answer the door, even if it is asking sensible questions.
2. Sit in the center
of the largest room in your home. You will feel the aliens asking
you to do things, or perform certain acts. Say no. They will at
first treat you nicely, begging and pleading with you, but resist.
Then they will become menacing. At this point you will become
nervous about your well-being, but now is when you must insist even
more adamantly that you deny them permission. They will sulk for a
while, then depart.
3. To make sure there
are no more aliens in your home, use the Hayden Non-Invasive
Alien Probe® (Patent Pending). Simply attach the probe to the
control box, and stand in the center of the
room,
turning slowly in a circle, with the probe pointing to the sides of
the room. If the light on the box stays blue, there are no further
aliens present, and you may remove the foil and turn the electricity
back on. If the light turns red, aliens are still there. If the
aliens have not departed, they may merely be loitering, or they may
be planning their next attack. If they are not planning an attack,
leave them alone and they'll depart in time. If they are planning an
attack, kill them. It is sometimes difficult to know if they are
planning an attack or not, so use your best judgment.
--H.H.
(**NOTE:
Hyman Hayden
is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for
Personal Protection (PAPP)
and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
In
a carefully worded speech George W. Bush told the American people that
he would permit limited federal funding for stem cell research. Walking
the high wire with a skill not seen since The Flying Wallendas, Bush
managed to make it sound like stem cell research would continue, without
offending his right to life constituency. It is generally believed that
the partial funding will appeal to "soccer moms" who do not necessarily
support the conservative position against abortion. These middle class
women are necessary to ensure a Republican re-election. So Mr.. Bush's
stem cell decision is not so much a compromise of science vs.. morality,
as it is the first stop on the 2004 campaign trail.
Former
Mafia boss John Gotti, serving a life sentence for murder and
racketeering was taken from his prison cell to St. John's Regional
Health Center in Springfield, Mo. Gotti is reportedly in intensive
care, after suffering a relapse of cancer. Just prior to his
hospitalization, Gotti gave an interview to Untrue News. Commenting
on his painful throat cancer, Gotti said "Why me?"
Gotti's
family, including his daughter Victoria, flew in to be at the
Dapper Don's bedside. Victoria Gotti said she and her current
boyfriend planned to spend "as much time with Dad as possible, and
since we're so close to Branson, we'll probably catch Andy
Williams."
Director
Kevin Smith is expected to team up again with Ben Affleck on a
low-budget film based on Smith's experiences with his 2-year-old
daughter. Production is expected to start in January 2002 or when
Affleck sobers up, whichever is later.
In
a new promotion, 20th Century Fox and Nokia have signed a deal to
promote Planet of the Apes on cell phone screens in Europe. Users
of the Nokia devices will be able to log onto the Nokia site where
they can download more than 20 different characters and images from
the movie. Sarah Meltzer, executive director of international
promotions at Fox, said "If Planet of the Apes were not such an
atrociously horrid, terrible, boring waste of everyone's time, we'd
really have something here."
room,
turning slowly in a circle, with the probe pointing to the sides of
the room. If the light on the box stays blue, there are no further
aliens present, and you may remove the foil and turn the electricity
back on. If the light turns red, aliens are still there. If the
aliens have not departed, they may merely be loitering, or they may
be planning their next attack. If they are not planning an attack,
leave them alone and they'll depart in time. If they are planning an
attack, kill them. It is sometimes difficult to know if they are
planning an attack or not, so use your best judgment.
