ISSUE OF THE YEAR! This is one
of our forty issues this year.
August 18, 2001
"If we say it's untrue, there's no way
you can sue."
August 18, 2001
SILICON VALLEY OF DESPAIR
Heavy
selling of Microsoft shares on news that the US Court of Appeals rejected
the company's effort to delay proceedings in the government's anti-trust
case caused shares of the company to plunge on Friday. Microsoft stock fell
so low, Bill Gates went from being a trillionaire to being a billionaire.
Our
Untrue News home economist Dr. David Darling PhD. reminds Mr. Gates that
using one less spoonful of coffee in a ten cup pot will barely be
noticeable and will save ten percent on your coffee bill, significant when
on a budget.
CRITICAL SHARKS
Hundreds of sharks that gathered off the west coast of Florida this week
have dispersed. Police and marine biologists say large television screens
were set up on the beach, and reruns of "Late Night With David Letterman"
played until the sharks swam away in disgust.
FOREVER YOUNG
Mrs. Pearl Wycoff is treated to ice cream and cake by residents and staff
of the Sylvan Glen nursing home. Mrs. Wycoff turned 103 today, and said
she planned to celebrate by "dropping some X, putting Aphex Twin on the
CD, cranking up the volume and dancing til my ass falls off."
POSTAGE STAMPS FOR LIVING EX-PRESIDENTS
Reagan: The "huh?" President
Carter:
The "Don't free the hostages yet, let's talk some more" President
Ford: The "oops" President
Bush: The "puke on the Japanese foreign minister's pants" President
Clinton: The "blow me" President
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NEWS OF
SHOW BUSINESS
NOT ENOUGH ADVANCEMENT
18 months ago
TV networks, under pressure from the National Association for the
Advancement of Colored People, agreed to bulk up their minority
representation on both sides of the camera. However, Inside.com reports
that the NAACP still isn't satisfied with the networks' diversity efforts.
NAACP President Kweisi Mfume suggested that a boycott could be in store.
Interviewed by Untrue News, Mfume said networks would reach true diversity
"only when 100% of its personnel are black."
In a related
story, NAACP President Kweisi Mfume has taped a pilot for a talk show that
would be syndicated by NBC, according to the New York Times. The news came
two days after Mfume sharply criticized the major television networks,
including NBC, for lack of progress in instituting diversity programs. NBC
confirmed that Mfume taped the pilot in July and that the show might go on
the air as early as next January. Said Mfume "In spite of what I said
yesterday, this would go a long way to satisfying our diversity
requirements."
VIVA HOLLYWOOD
Mexico's Film Commission is expecting that about 40 U.S. films will shoot
in the country this year, up from just six five years ago, the London
Financial Times reports. Scripts have been altered to accommodate the
Mexican locale.
"Dinosaurs in Ice" was our toughest challenge, said Mexican Film Board
president Raul Garcia-Stevens, "because it involved killer dinosaurs thawed
from a glacier, of which Mexico has none. So with a few script changes,
we made
it "Dinosaurs ON Ice" a wonderful movie about old people ice skating that
the entire family can enjoy."
FLASH: There is nothing in the news about Pat
Benatar again this week.
MICHAEL OVITZ IN DIS DRESS
Opinion by Untrue News editor Mark
McGuffin
Hollywood Hotshot Mike Ovitz is seeking new investors for Artists Television
Group, his tv production company. None of the television programs sold by ATG
lasted on the air or made any profit. In addition, The NY Times reports "Mr.
Ovitz has lost his powerful perch...and over the years has made numerous enemies
who are almost eager to see him fail...powerful people who actively dislike him."
Well, Untrue News is not powerful, and we certainly don't like to kick a man when
he's down, but Ovitz, you arrogant, loathsome, conniving, manipulative,
egocentric, contemptible thief, you treacherous crooked swindler, you pompous
soul-sucking pimp, you evil leech, you bloated megalomaniac jock-licker, you
immoral money-grubbing robber baron profiteering scumbag, we hope you die. That's
my opinion, have a sunny day, see ya next week! --MM
FROM
THE
FILES by Untrue News
paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**
A key witness in the Martha Moxley murder
case
has died of a drug overdose in Rochester, NY. Police in Rochester said that
Gregory Coleman died from injecting a lethal amount of heroin and cocaine, a
mix known as a "speedball." Investigators said that at least seven people died
after injecting the drugs, which were sold on the street and contained
abnormally strong heroin. As you know, I don't usually involve myself in police
activities or crime stories (I could tell you a few about O.J.'s secret
confessions to aliens, but that must be kept for another time) however in this
case it proves my point about political power. Not a wholesome trotting race,
no, but a race where they sit down right on the horse.
The
Martha Moxley case is unusual because the man on trial, Michael Skakel, is
related to the Kennedy family, and because the crime took place more than 25
years ago, when both Skakel and Moxley were 15 years old. Subsequently, Skakel
became an alcoholic, and entered an abuse treatment center where, according to
Coleman, Skakel confessed to killing Martha in a jealous rage when he saw her
making out with his brother. This proves Skakel is an idiot. Why not just kill
his brother? That way, he'd have a better chance with the girl.
The crime took place in a wealthy area of Connecticut.
Coleman died in Rochester, New York. Now how difficult would it be for a family
as powerful as the Kennedys to locate Coleman, discover where he buys drugs,
and set his dealer up with a lethal speedball cocktail? The Kennedys could do
this without breaking a sweat. If a few other people have to die as well, those
victims are only junkies, expendable for the cause. My guess is, it was done by
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. one of the few family members who has not yet been
killed, or killed himself and/or some innocent people. Until now.
But no matter which of the Kennedys killed Coleman, the
fact nobody seems to understand is that Coleman was ONE OF THE ALIENS. A mere
look at him on TV will show you that it wasn't really a person inhabiting that
body, but the caricature of a man, the kind of performance one would give if
one was PRETENDING to be human. You can see the same thing in
Gary Condit and Kathie Lee Gifford. What I have taken a long time to say is,
they are everywhere, the aliens and the Kennedys.
--H.H.
(**NOTE:
Hyman
Haydenis a
member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP)
and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
Heavy
selling of Microsoft shares on news that the US Court of Appeals rejected
the company's effort to delay proceedings in the government's anti-trust
case caused shares of the company to plunge on Friday. Microsoft stock fell
so low, Bill Gates went from being a trillionaire to being a billionaire.
Our
Untrue News home economist Dr. David Darling PhD. reminds Mr. Gates that
using one less spoonful of coffee in a ten cup pot will barely be
noticeable and will save ten percent on your coffee bill, significant when
on a budget.
Carter:
The "Don't free the hostages yet, let's talk some more" President
18 months ago
TV networks, under pressure from the National Association for the
Advancement of Colored People, agreed to bulk up their minority
representation on both sides of the camera. However, Inside.com reports
that the NAACP still isn't satisfied with the networks' diversity efforts.
NAACP President Kweisi Mfume suggested that a boycott could be in store.
Interviewed by Untrue News, Mfume said networks would reach true diversity
"only when 100% of its personnel are black."
In a related
story, NAACP President Kweisi Mfume has taped a pilot for a talk show that
would be syndicated by NBC, according to the New York Times. The news came
two days after Mfume sharply criticized the major television networks,
including NBC, for lack of progress in instituting diversity programs. NBC
confirmed that Mfume taped the pilot in July and that the show might go on
the air as early as next January. Said Mfume "In spite of what I said
yesterday, this would go a long way to satisfying our diversity
requirements."
we made
it "Dinosaurs ON Ice" a wonderful movie about old people ice skating that
the entire family can enjoy." 
case
has died of a drug overdose in Rochester, NY. Police in Rochester said that
Gregory Coleman died from injecting a lethal amount of heroin and cocaine, a
mix known as a "speedball." Investigators said that at least seven people died
after injecting the drugs, which were sold on the street and contained
abnormally strong heroin. As you know, I don't usually involve myself in police
activities or crime stories (I could tell you a few about O.J.'s secret
confessions to aliens, but that must be kept for another time) however in this
case it proves my point about political power. Not a wholesome trotting race,
no, but a race where they sit down right on the horse.
The
Martha Moxley case is unusual because the man on trial, Michael Skakel, is
related to the Kennedy family, and because the crime took place more than 25
years ago, when both Skakel and Moxley were 15 years old. Subsequently, Skakel
became an alcoholic, and entered an abuse treatment center where, according to
Coleman, Skakel confessed to killing Martha in a jealous rage when he saw her
making out with his brother. This proves Skakel is an idiot. Why not just kill
his brother? That way, he'd have a better chance with the girl.
