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ISSUE OF THE YEAR! This is one of our forty issues this year.

August 18, 2001

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

August 18, 2001

SILICON VALLEY OF DESPAIR

Heavy selling of Microsoft shares on news that the US Court of Appeals rejected the company's effort to delay proceedings in the government's anti-trust case caused shares of the company to plunge on Friday. Microsoft stock fell so low, Bill Gates went from being a trillionaire to being a billionaire.

Our Untrue News home economist Dr. David Darling PhD. reminds Mr. Gates that using one less spoonful of coffee in a ten cup pot will barely be noticeable and will save ten percent on your coffee bill, significant when on a budget.

 

 

CRITICAL SHARKS

Hundreds of sharks that gathered off the west coast of Florida this week have dispersed. Police and marine biologists say large television screens were set up on the beach, and reruns of "Late Night With David Letterman" played until the sharks swam away in disgust.

 

FOREVER YOUNG

Mrs. Pearl Wycoff is treated to ice cream and cake by residents and staff of the Sylvan Glen nursing home. Mrs. Wycoff turned 103 today, and said she planned to celebrate by "dropping some X, putting Aphex Twin on the CD, cranking up the volume and dancing til my ass falls off."

 

 

POSTAGE STAMPS FOR LIVING EX-PRESIDENTS


 

Reagan: The "huh?" President

 

Carter: The "Don't free the hostages yet, let's talk some more" President

 


 

Ford: The "oops" President

 


Bush: The "puke on the Japanese foreign minister's pants" President
 


Clinton: The "blow me" President

 

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

 

 

 

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

NOT ENOUGH ADVANCEMENT

18 months ago TV networks, under pressure from the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, agreed to bulk up their minority representation on both sides of the camera. However, Inside.com reports that the NAACP still isn't satisfied with the networks' diversity efforts. NAACP President Kweisi Mfume suggested that a boycott could be in store. Interviewed by Untrue News, Mfume said networks would reach true diversity "only when 100% of its personnel are black."

In a related story, NAACP President Kweisi Mfume has taped a pilot for a talk show that would be syndicated by NBC, according to the New York Times. The news came two days after Mfume sharply criticized the major television networks, including NBC, for lack of progress in instituting diversity programs. NBC confirmed that Mfume taped the pilot in July and that the show might go on the air as early as next January. Said Mfume "In spite of what I said yesterday, this would go a long way to satisfying our diversity requirements."

 

 

VIVA HOLLYWOOD

Mexico's Film Commission is expecting that about 40 U.S. films will shoot in the country this year, up from just six five years ago, the London Financial Times reports. Scripts have been altered to accommodate the Mexican locale.

"Dinosaurs in Ice" was our toughest challenge, said Mexican Film Board president Raul Garcia-Stevens, "because it involved killer dinosaurs thawed from a glacier, of which Mexico has none. So with a few script changes, we made it "Dinosaurs ON Ice" a wonderful movie about old people ice skating that the entire family can enjoy."

 

FLASH: There is nothing in the news about Pat Benatar again this week.

MICHAEL OVITZ IN DIS DRESS
Opinion by Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin

Hollywood Hotshot Mike Ovitz is seeking new investors for Artists Television Group, his tv production company. None of the television programs sold by ATG lasted on the air or made any profit. In addition, The NY Times reports "Mr. Ovitz has lost his powerful perch...and over the years has made numerous enemies who are almost eager to see him fail...powerful people who actively dislike him." Well, Untrue News is not powerful, and we certainly don't like to kick a man when he's down, but Ovitz, you arrogant, loathsome, conniving, manipulative, egocentric, contemptible thief, you treacherous crooked swindler, you pompous soul-sucking pimp, you evil leech, you bloated megalomaniac jock-licker, you immoral money-grubbing robber baron profiteering scumbag, we hope you die. That's my opinion, have a sunny day, see ya next week! --MM

 

 

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Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.FROM THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

A key witness in the Martha Moxley murder case has died of a drug overdose in Rochester, NY. Police in Rochester said that Gregory Coleman died from injecting a lethal amount of heroin and cocaine, a mix known as a "speedball." Investigators said that at least seven people died after injecting the drugs, which were sold on the street and contained abnormally strong heroin. As you know, I don't usually involve myself in police activities or crime stories (I could tell you a few about O.J.'s secret confessions to aliens, but that must be kept for another time) however in this case it proves my point about political power. Not a wholesome trotting race, no, but a race where they sit down right on the horse.

The Martha Moxley case is unusual because the man on trial, Michael Skakel, is related to the Kennedy family, and because the crime took place more than 25 years ago, when both Skakel and Moxley were 15 years old. Subsequently, Skakel became an alcoholic, and entered an abuse treatment center where, according to Coleman, Skakel confessed to killing Martha in a jealous rage when he saw her making out with his brother. This proves Skakel is an idiot. Why not just kill his brother? That way, he'd have a better chance with the girl.

The crime took place in a wealthy area of Connecticut. Coleman died in Rochester, New York. Now how difficult would it be for a family as powerful as the Kennedys to locate Coleman, discover where he buys drugs, and set his dealer up with a lethal speedball cocktail? The Kennedys could do this without breaking a sweat. If a few other people have to die as well, those victims are only junkies, expendable for the cause. My guess is, it was done by Robert F. Kennedy Jr. one of the few family members who has not yet been killed, or killed himself and/or some innocent people. Until now.

But no matter which of the Kennedys killed Coleman, the fact nobody seems to understand is that Coleman was ONE OF THE ALIENS. A mere look at him on TV will show you that it wasn't really a person inhabiting that body, but the caricature of a man, the kind of performance one would give if one was PRETENDING to be human. You can see the same thing in Gary Condit and Kathie Lee Gifford. What I have taken a long time to say is, they are everywhere, the aliens and the Kennedys.

 

 --H.H.

The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

 

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