<%@ Language=JavaScript %> August 25, 2001


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Special Labor Day Issue, dedicated to the American labor force, whose strong unions have driven manufacturing jobs out of the country and ruined the lives of countless blue collar workers.

August 25, 2001

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

August 25, 2001


GOD BLESS WHAT LITTLE OF AMERICA WE HAVE LEFT

AN UNTRUE NEWS PROFILE OF SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR GALE NORTON.

George W. Bush's Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton revealed that under her leadership, the Department of the Interior will approve oil drilling platforms, pipelines, roads through wilderness areas, off road machinery, snowmobiles, and commercial and industrial use of the 436 million acres of public land her department controls.

Her critics say the Interior Department is now stacked with lobbyists for coal, gas, oil, lumber and other commercial interests who would like to turn our National Parks into refineries and strip mines. Ms. Norton, who favors these agendas told Untrue News "Basically it comes down to this. Do we want wilderness, or do we want RV's? Because we can't have both."

Asked by the New York Times if there is a single proposal by the energy or industrial interests to use public lands that she opposes, Ms. Norton said nothing came to mind. "I can think of a lot of things that I would oppose, but nothing specific right now," she said. Later she added "Well, maybe I'd be opposed to pure water and clean air, but not much else."

Kit Kimball, an energy industry lobbyist now in charge of western lands at the Department of the Interior promised farmers and ranchers that "there will soon be an end to these predatory wolves, owls, butterflies and certain species of flowers which contribute nothing to industry, and basically stand in the way of profits."

As for permitting snowmobiles in Yellowstone and other National Parks, Ms. Norton said "Hey, people just want to have fun, what's wrong with that? When a grizzly bear has enough money to buy a snowmobile, I'll let you know."

Ms. Norton began her career working for a legal foundation that fights environmental laws, then worked at the Department of Interior under President Reagan where she was in charge of getting Native Americans to shut up and stop bitching about how the US stole their land. "We've given them casinos" she said at the time, "what the hell else do they want?"

In spite of her prior experience in government, Ms. Norton still seems surprised that George W. Bush selected her to head the Department of the Interior. "I just have to keep pinching myself," Ms. Norton said in an interview. "I still can't believe I'm actually doing this."

Ms. Norton, the American people can't believe you're doing it either.

 

GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY, FREE AT LAST

 

Darlene Tennant smiles as she leaves the notorious "secret room" through a trap door in the west wing of the White House. Ms. Tennant is the last of the "special intern volunteers" hidden away in the room by the previous administration, who kept them there "in case Bill got lonely." "It was a very pleasant place to stay" said Ms. Tennant, "and my only regret is that President Clinton left office before he could get around to me."

 

 

SO LIFELIKE IT WALKS AND IT TALKS

After accepting our promise not to ask any questions about the disappearance of intern Chandra Levy, Congressman Gary Condit agreed to an exclusive interview with Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin:

MARK McGUFFIN. Good afternoon Congressman and thank you for allowing us to interview you. I'd like to ask you how your life has changed in the past four months.

GARY CONDIT: Mark, I've been married for 34 years, I'm not a perfect man, I've made mistakes, but out of respect for my family and at the specific request of the family we aren't going to mention in this interview, I won't say any more about that.

MM: Congressman, let's talk a bit about your background, when were you first elected to Congress?

GC: Mark, I've been married for 34 years, I'm not a perfect man, I've made mistakes, but out of respect for my family and at the specific request of the family we aren't going to mention in this interview, I won't say any more about that.

MM: What did you have for lunch today?

GC: Mark, I've been married for 34 years, I'm not a perfect man, I've made mistakes, but out of respect for my family and at the specific request of the family we aren't going to mention in this interview, I won't say any more about that.

MM: What the hell is this? Did someone put a voice chip inside you with that statement?

GC: Mark, I've been married for 34 years, I'm not a perfect man, I've made mistakes, but out of respect for my family and at the specific request of the family we aren't going to mention in this interview, I won't say any more about that.

MM: You're really quite a sleazebag and liar, aren't you? You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you in the ass, would you, you deceptive, deceitful snake?.

GC: Mark, I've been married for 34 years, I'm not a perfect man, I've made mistakes, but out of respect for my family and at the specific request of the family we aren't going to mention in this interview, I won't say any more about that.

MM: This is going nowhere. Do you like money?

GC: I sure do. Hey, who's the babe taking notes over there? Can you introduce me?

MM: Thank you soon-to-be former Congressman Gary Condit.

GC: Mark, I've been married for 34 years...

Speaking at a news conference later that day, Condit's attorney Abbie Lowell said "My client has been married for 34 years, he's not perfect, he's made some mistakes, and I think that answers all of your questions."

 

HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE MARIA?

Still singing, Janice Ramsey is lead away by State troopers after starring in a local production of "The Sound of Music". Audience members called her performance "nothing short of criminal."

 

THE MORE, THE MARRY HER

Polygamist Thomas A. Green was sentenced to five years in prison following his conviction on four counts of bigamy and one count of criminal nonsupport. Green, who has five wives will do his time in Utah State Prison, where he'll find out what it's like to have five husbands.

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Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.FROM THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

The first thing I'd like to know is how Miss Cleo, the fortune teller, got my phone number, which is not only unlisted, but unlisted under a name different from mine (you can't be too careful.)

They listen everywhere.I can only conclude that she has something to do with the government, whose ability to see into our private lives, into our homes, yes, even into our bathrooms, is unquestioned. (see my previous article on the toilet microphone).Miss Cleo -- Alien mind sucker?

In order to investigate this, I went to a pay telephone and called Miss Cleo's number. The person who answered told me they could not accept calls from pay phones. I said I would drop the $3.99 per minute into the coin slots but they refused. I said "well if you're so damn psychic, you know where I live, talk to me and send me the bill." They hung up on me.

So I believe Miss Cleo. If she and her staff didn't have psychic powers, how would they know I was investigating them and why would they refuse to talk to me? Perhaps because they know that I know that only aliens have real psychic powers. And there we have the connection between the government and aliens.

Take no chanves -- use a silver foil wrap whenever possible to protect yourself.I have seen Miss Cleo's ads on TV. (I watch TV swathed in silver foil because of the harmful rays and because of the thought transference which could easily occur if I were not wearing my foil hat. I take no chances.) Readers, when Miss Cleo's ad appears on your TV screen, if there is no foil available, leave the room immediately. When the ad is over anoint your body with rock salt. Aliens hate rock salt, it affects them like it affects slugs, it makes them shrivel and die. If you ever suspect anyone of being an alien, throw rock salt on them. If they react angrily or with surprise, bingo! you've found them.

the only protection against the aural harmaonicsAs you might imagine, I receive a great deal of mail calling me crazy, and/or attempting to refute my belief in aliens. Who would bother writing such letters if they had nothing to hide? Calling your enemies crazy is the oldest trick in the book, and that's why I keep fifty 25-pound bags of rock salt in my room at all times. The bags, along with my several cartons of silver foil, take up a lot of space, which is why I can't move around too much, but what is more important, having room to move, or exposing yourself to aliens? I think the question answers itself.

 --H.H.

The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

 

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