GOD BLESS WHAT LITTLE OF AMERICA WE HAVE LEFT
AN UNTRUE NEWS PROFILE OF SECRETARY OF THE
INTERIOR GALE NORTON.
George W. Bush's Secretary of the Interior Gale
Norton revealed that under her leadership, the Department of the Interior will
approve oil drilling platforms, pipelines, roads through wilderness areas, off
road machinery, snowmobiles, and commercial and industrial use of the 436 million
acres of public land her department controls.
Her critics say the Interior Department is now
stacked with lobbyists
 for
coal, gas, oil, lumber and other commercial interests who would like to turn our
National Parks into refineries and strip mines. Ms. Norton, who favors these
agendas told Untrue News "Basically it comes down to this. Do we want wilderness,
or do we want RV's? Because we can't have both."
Asked by the New York Times if there is a single
proposal by the energy or industrial interests to use public lands that she
opposes, Ms. Norton said nothing came to mind. "I can think of a lot of things
that I would oppose, but nothing specific right now," she said. Later she added
"Well, maybe I'd be opposed to pure water and clean air, but not much else."
Kit Kimball, an energy industry lobbyist now in
charge of western lands at the Department of the Interior promised farmers and
ranchers that "there will soon be an end to these predatory wolves, owls,
butterflies and certain species of flowers which contribute nothing to industry,
and basically stand in the way of profits."
 As for
permitting snowmobiles in Yellowstone and other National Parks, Ms. Norton said
"Hey, people just want to have fun, what's wrong with that? When a grizzly bear
has enough money to buy a snowmobile, I'll let you know."
Ms. Norton began her career working for a legal
foundation that fights environmental laws, then worked at the Department of
Interior under President Reagan where she was in charge of getting Native
Americans to shut up and stop bitching about how the US stole their land. "We've
given them casinos" she said at the time, "what the hell else do they want?"
In spite of her prior experience in government, Ms.
Norton still seems surprised that George W. Bush selected her to head the
Department of the Interior. "I just have to keep pinching myself," Ms. Norton
said in an interview. "I still can't believe I'm actually doing this."
Ms. Norton, the American people can't believe
you're doing it either.
GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY, FREE AT LAST
Darlene Tennant smiles as she leaves the
notorious "secret room" through a trap door in the west wing of the White
House. Ms. Tennant is the last of the "special intern volunteers" hidden away
in the room by the previous administration, who kept them there "in case Bill
got lonely." "It was a very pleasant place to stay" said Ms. Tennant, "and my
only regret is that President Clinton left office before he could get around
to me."
SO LIFELIKE IT WALKS AND IT TALKS
After accepting our promise not to ask any
questions about the disappearance of intern Chandra Levy, Congressman Gary Condit
agreed to an exclusive interview with Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin:
 MARK
McGUFFIN. Good afternoon Congressman and thank you for allowing us to
interview you. I'd like to ask you how your life has changed in the past four
months.
GARY CONDIT: Mark, I've been married for 34
years, I'm not a perfect man, I've made mistakes, but out of respect for my
family and at the specific request of the family we aren't going to mention in
this interview, I won't say any more about that.
MM: Congressman, let's talk a bit about your
background, when were you first elected to Congress?
GC: Mark, I've been married for 34 years,
I'm not a perfect man, I've made mistakes, but out of respect for my family and
at the specific request of the family we aren't going to mention in this
interview, I won't say any more about that.
MM: What did you have for lunch today?
GC: Mark, I've been married for 34 years,
I'm not a perfect man, I've made mistakes, but out of respect for my family and
at the specific request of the family we aren't going to mention in this
interview, I won't say any more about that.
MM: What the hell is this? Did someone put a
voice chip inside you with that statement?
GC: Mark, I've been married for 34 years,
I'm not a perfect man, I've made mistakes, but out of respect for my family and
at the specific request of the family we aren't going to mention in this
interview, I won't say any more about that.
MM: You're really quite a sleazebag and
liar, aren't you? You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you in the ass, would
you, you deceptive, deceitful snake?.
GC: Mark, I've been married for 34 years,
I'm not a perfect man, I've made mistakes, but out of respect for my family and
at the specific request of the family we aren't going to mention in this
interview, I won't say any more about that.
MM: This is going nowhere. Do you like
money?
GC: I sure do. Hey, who's the babe taking
notes over there? Can you introduce me?
MM: Thank you soon-to-be former Congressman
Gary Condit.
GC: Mark, I've been married for 34 years...
Speaking at a news conference later that day,
Condit's attorney Abbie Lowell said "My client has been married for 34 years,
he's not perfect, he's made some mistakes, and I think that answers all of your
questions."
|
HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE MARIA?
Still singing, Janice Ramsey is lead away by
State troopers after starring in a local production of "The Sound of
Music". Audience members called her performance "nothing short of
criminal." |
|
THE MORE, THE MARRY HER
 Polygamist
Thomas A. Green was sentenced to five years in prison following his
conviction on four counts of bigamy and one count of criminal nonsupport.
Green, who has five wives will do his time in Utah State Prison, where
he'll find out what it's like to have five husbands. |
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
No spam.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
|
Get your free email
Get a free website
Talk back to McGuffin
This issue is from
August 25, 2001
Click here for the latest issue
Get your free email
Get a free website
Talk back to McGuffin
This issue is from
August 25, 2001
Click here for the latest issue
Join the Majestic Alliance
Click here for the latest issue
|
 FROM
THE
FILES
by Untrue News paranoid
editor Hyman Hayden**
The first thing I'd like to know
is how Miss Cleo, the fortune teller, got my phone number, which is not only
unlisted, but unlisted under a name different from mine (you can't be too
careful.)
 I
can only conclude that she has something to do with the government, whose
ability to see into our private lives, into our homes, yes, even into our
bathrooms, is unquestioned.
(see my previous article on the toilet microphone).
In order to investigate this, I
went to a pay telephone and called Miss Cleo's number. The person who answered
told me they could not accept calls from pay phones. I said I would drop the
$3.99 per minute into the coin slots but they refused. I said "well if you're
so damn psychic, you know where I live, talk to me and send me the bill." They
hung up on me.
So I believe Miss Cleo. If she
and her staff didn't have psychic powers, how would they know I was
investigating them and why would they refuse to talk to me? Perhaps because
they know that I know that only aliens have real psychic powers. And there we
have the connection between the government and aliens.
 I
have seen Miss Cleo's ads on TV. (I watch TV swathed in silver foil because of
the harmful rays and because of the thought transference which could easily
occur if I were not wearing my foil hat. I take no chances.) Readers, when Miss
Cleo's ad appears on your TV screen, if there is no foil available, leave the
room immediately. When the ad is over anoint your body with rock salt. Aliens
hate rock salt, it affects them like it affects slugs, it makes them shrivel
and die. If you ever suspect anyone of being an alien, throw rock salt on them.
If they react angrily or with surprise, bingo! you've found them.
 As
you might imagine, I receive a great deal of mail calling me crazy, and/or
attempting to refute my belief in aliens. Who would bother writing such letters
if they had nothing to hide? Calling your enemies crazy is the oldest trick in
the book, and that's why I keep fifty 25-pound bags of rock salt in my room at
all times. The bags, along with my several cartons of silver foil, take up a
lot of space, which is why I can't move around too much, but what is more
important, having room to move, or exposing yourself to aliens? I think the
question answers itself.
--H.H.
(**NOTE:
Hyman
Hayden is a
member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP)
and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
|
Join the Majestic Alliance
Talk back to Hayden
Shadow Gov. agent sightings
Join the Majestic Alliance
Get free email
Get a free Majestic
website
Pilot |
