"When people ask me whether I'm right, left or center, I'm simply going to say, 'I'm an American.' " --Chris Matthews, SF Chronicle columnist and MSNBC talk show host.
(Yeah, nice evasion, you Nazi. -- editor).
"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."
Dec. 17, 2001
DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS
As the final province under their leadership was wrested from them by American forces, the Taliban effectively lost control of Afghanistan.
A spokesman for the Taliban told Untrue News "Perhaps our defeat comes because we did not beat our women severely enough. Perhaps we did not execute enough adulterers, or torture enough Christians. Who can read the heart of Allah?"
THE BEAT GOES ON
Mayor Calvin DeVette, left, and Board of Education President Malcolm Tucker (carrying leather wrist manacles) show identification before entering a private Christmas party at DeSade's Inferno nightclub and lounge.
CAUGHT ON TAPE
After much procrastination the White House has released the videotape of Osama bin Laden admitting complicity in the World Trade Center attacks.
Yesterday, Blockbuster Video announced it will offer the DVD, featuring scenes cut from the video, out-takes, and a full length "director's cut" which, as usual, will be even longer and more boring and self-indulgent than the original.
WHAT'S IN A NAME?
The most popular boy's name in 2001 is Jacob, and the most popular girl's name is Emily, the bureau of statistics announced this week.
The least popular girl's name was Hookerette and the least popular boy's name: Anita.
WHEN SHE SITS AROUND THE HOUSE...
US Attorney General Dr. David Satcher told Untrue News that death caused by conditions associated with obesity is approaching 300,000 each year.
Determined to attack obesity with the same tactics used against tobacco, several congressmen are working on bills designed to ban fat people from public transportation, to have a "designated fat people" section in restaurants, and to enforce a "no fat people" policy in all state and federally owned buildings.
Aides to the lawmakers say there are still many details to work out.
MUSIC HATH CHARMS
Our pride and joy, the local middle school classical orchestra under the direction of Mrs. Mack, plays Beethoven's Symphony #2 in D Major, and B-flat, and E-sharp and G-sharp minor.
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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
A MILLION LAUGHS
Stung by criticism that their network is not doing enough to fight the war on terrorism, Fox-TV announced that next week Homer and family will visit ground zero in a very special "The Simpsons."
AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH BOB HOPE
by Untrue News TV and television critic, Richard Millicent Mile
UNTRUE NEWS: Mr. Hope, we understand you're planning to travel to Afghanistan and entertain the troops once again.
BOB HOPE: Say, I've been doing it since Adam wore short pants. And this year is no different, we've got Frances Langford, Jerry Colonna, the whole gang.
UN: Mr Hope, Frances Langford and Jerry Colonna are names from your old radio show which went off the air in 1950. They aren't even alive.
BH: I wanna tell ya, I've got some great jokes for the GI's. Listen to this. That Mussolini is so fat, when he gets on a talking scale, it says "sorry, no livestock."
UN: That's not really very...
BH: And how about those kamikaze pilots? They fly planes right into ships. The last time I saw somebody that stupid, they thought Condoleeza Rice was a side dish.
UN: You're mixing eras, and please tell me you don't plan on telling those jokes to our troops?
BH: All those terrorists live in caves.. They have to, they can't keep camels in an apartment.
UN: Mr. Hope, if I were you, I wouldn't...
BH: And you GI's, you're the friendliest guys in the world. I saw two soldiers in the park yesterday, throwing seeds to the pigeons. I don't know what kind of seeds they were, but the pigeons were singing reggae!
UN: You've used that one before, and with the same godawful effect, sir.
BH: Hey, it's been great talking to you, and when you see Hitler, remember the magic words--bang! bang! (sings) Thanks, for the memories, the memories of...um...the...uh, (speaks) damn, I can't remember what the memories were. Anyway, thanks, and Tojo sucks. Now please welcome Mister Tony Martin!
UN: Thank you for your time, Mr. Hope.
BH: Hey, what's time to a comedian?
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