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February 10, 2001

McGuffin's Untrue News is dedicated to the memory of Phil and Hedy LaMarr.

Even though Phil is not dead, we will always remember him as he was in life.

 

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Feb. 10, 2001

THE AYES OF TAXES

President Cheney's tax cut plan has been sent to Congress where it will work its way through the legislative process. A nervous Cheney told Untrue News "I hope nobody reads the part where it says it doesn't apply to Negroes."

DAS BOOT

George W. Bush is preparing to unilaterally reduce the number of nuclear warheads in America's arsenal. Bush is particularly interested in cutting funds for the nuclear submarine program. "It's the dumbest thing I ever heard of" he said. "I mean, how can you light the fuse of a warhead when you are under water? Doesn't water put OUT fire, or am I missing something here? Why do I have to think of everything myself?"

THE PENIS--MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD

ClintonRepublicans have raised questions about former President Clinton's pardon of fugitive financier Marc Rich, who now lives in Switzerland. Asked if Mr. Rich's wife's heavy contribution to the Clinton Library had an influence on his decision, the former President said "Yes, of course it did. It had a major influence on my decision. And the blowjobs had a little something to do with it too. And a presidential pardon is irrevocable and I'm no longer in office and I gave up my law license for five years, and I get a hundred and twenty five thou a lecture, and my wife works out of town, so kiss my rosy red ass, Republicans, I'm off to Monica's for some lip-smackin' fun with my pal, Phil Lacio." Secret Service agents roughed up a reporter who sought to ask follow-up questions.

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

BUT YOU'RE THE ONE SHOWING ME THE DIRTY PICTURES

A survey of 1,114 TV shows by the Kaiser Family Foundation found that the percentage of programs containing sexual content rose from 56 percent to 68 percent in the past few years. The Foundation reported that even the titles of some prime time shows are not suitable for children, among them: "Two Guys and A Girl" (strongly suggests bisexual menage-a-trois), "Everybody Loves Raymond" (obvious inference of group sex), and "The Geena Davis Show" (strongly suggests something that sucks.)

 

In a related story, the National Gay Alliance condemned the Christopher Lowell Show for presenting the stereotype of the homosexual interior designer as a flamboyant queen.

FREE TICKETS CONTEST: There are no winners in our phone-in contest which offered the 14th caller to (212) 555-1070 free tickets to a Jim Brickman concert. No calls were received. We will donate the tickets to charity.

SNIFFING AROUND FOR NEWS

Rumors that began at the Golden Globe awards continue that Robert Downey Jr. and Calista Flockheart are a couple. At least that explains why she's so skinny.

BEST MAN SAYS I DO

Our friend Gary Belkin informs us of the wedding of showbiz mogul Barry Diller on Feb 2. Diller married Diane Von Furstenberg, his longtime beard.

ATTENTION CHARITIES: Don't any of you want these free Jim Brickman tickets? Anyone?

AVON CALLING

(an occasional column by Untrue News movie and film critic Avon Proctor.)

First, thanks to Mark McGuffin for suggesting this new name for my column. It's far better than the old one I was using (Proctorology). Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman are separating after more than ten years of marriage. Hey, who wouldn't? Even with a hunk like Tom and a babe like Nicole, ten years is a long row of cotton, isn't it? I mean both of them can get any partner they want, often more than one at a time. They must have been thinking about that a lot during the past ten years. Resentments must have built up. I wish I had paid more attention to their movies so I could look for clues, but frankly, the stuff they make together is pretty awful. If Eyes Wide Shut is something Kubrick worked on for 4 years, my only conclusion is that he works better under pressure. But what has Kubrick to do with the breakup of Tom and Nicole? I have no idea. I have no obligation to write artful segues or slick paragraphs, or to tie things together. (If you don't know how to pronounce "segues" stop reading now. This is not for you.) I am just a film and movie critic. I wish they'd come out with a DVD of "Hoppity Goes To Town", that was a honey of a musical cartoon. Am I the only one who thought "Diamonds" was the best performance ever by Kirk Douglas? For my money, Michelle Pfeiffer can act rings around Amy Pietz any day. End of report. --AP


This edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is sponsored by AMTRAK. Amtrak--"we love to crash, and it shows!"

 

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