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February 17, 2001

Hey, we're very sorry we forgot about Valentine's day in last week's issue. We really love you. No, honestly we're so sorry. Of COURSE your feelings are important and, well, we're sorry...it's not a question of thoughtless, it's...hey listen, how many times do you want us to apologize? You're really obsessing on this. Why don't you take a walk until you cool down. You heard us, we said take a walk!
 

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue." 

Feb. 17, 2001

CURRENT EVENTS QUIZ:

The answer is: Israeli-Palestinian conflagration. What is the question?

The question is: Name three words George W. Bush can't spell.

  JUST A DECENT FELLA WITH A GUNRobert Pickett

Robert W. ("Robert") Pickett, the Indiana man who fired shots at the White House last week said he was not intending to kill George W. Bush. Doctors said that not wanting to kill Bush could be considered evidence of Pickett's insanity.

 

YO, IT'S THE NAPSTER DUDE


The founder of Napster, Shawn Fanning (r.) is shown here with his attorney and "friend" Jonathan Schiller.

  COMING SOON: TO

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I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART

New York City Mayor Rudolph (Adolf) Giuliani said yesterday he wants to slap "decency standards" on artwork at city-funded museums after a photo depicting Jesus as a nude woman was unveiled at the Brooklyn Museum of Art. 

Calling the photo, which is titled picture "Yo Mama's Last Supper" disgusting and outrageous, the Mayor told Untrue News,  "If we had decency standards, I'd submit that this photograph would never be exhibited in a building funded by the taxpayers." Untrue News submits that if there were decency standards, Giuliani would not be running the city.

In a related story, cellist Yo Yo Ma sued Ms. Cox, claiming that the black woman depicted in the photo "looks nothing at all like me."

 

 

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  OIL AND WATER

A Texas oilman admitted yesterday that he was at the controls of the US submarine submarine Greeneville when it smashed into a Japanese trawler. The businessman, John Hall, gave the first detailed account of the collision and insisted that the ship's commander used the sub's periscope to survey the surface and found no other ships in the area.

Hall was late to a Today Show interview, following a car accident. Hall said his wife told him he was clear on the right.

THINGS GO BETTER

Fox and BushMeeting on Friday, George W. Bush and Mexico's President Vicente Fox discussed the opening of the US--Mexican border as a gesture of good faith towards better relations between countries.  In an exclusive interview with Untrue News, President Fox said "Open borders will not only mean easier emigration for our citizens, it will make for a smoother flow of South American cocaine into the United States. I don't know if Mr.. Bush was aware of this or not. " Mr.. Bush was suffering from a stuffy nose and irritated septum and could not be reached for comment.

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

Watch "Survivor" this week. Our spies report that one of the survivors gets voted off the island.

THE ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATIONS
by Untrue News film and movie critic Avon Proctor.

A.M.P.A.S. The Day Oscar Cried: So the nominations for best film are in, the Academy selected Crouching Tiger--Hidden Dragon, Erin Brokovich, Traffic, Chocolat (or Chocolate, I could never figure it out)  and Cast Away (or Castaway, I could never figure it out).  Apparently everyone has forgotten "Me, Myself and Irene."  And what about the flatulent humor of "3 Strikes", the heartwarming "Hanging Up" (How can Oscar overlook a movie that stars Diane Keaton, Lisa Kudrow AND Meg Ryan?) and the nostalgic anarchy of "Rocky and Bullwinkle." Robert De Niro just keeps on getting funnier and funnier with each comedy he does. Look out Chaplin, here comes De Niro! Oscar is not always fair in his choice of movie nominees, or in the list of who gets the coveted tickets to the Academy Awards show and the good parties afterwards. I have been Untrue News film and movie critic since 1997 and have never once received a ticket to the awards dinner, or show, or post-show party. I suppose that's because I tell it like I see it, and I don't hang out with the Hollywood "in-crowd". Furthermore, any Academy that passes up "The Patriot" is not necessarily one I'd like to be part of. End of report. 

 --AP

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Watch for the hilarious new comedy "That's Not Funny!" starring Robert De Niro and Geena Davis, opening in May. Special guest cameos by Bette Middler and Paula Poundstone.

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