PARDON MY PARDON
 Senator
Hillary Rodham Clinton's brother, Hugh Rodham, was paid $400,000 as a
fee for securing a presidential pardon, and a presidential commutation
of sentence for two wealthy clients, one of whom was a cocaine
dealer.
 Both
former President Clinton and his wife denied any knowledge that
Mr. Rodham had been paid for the pardons. The loud splashing noises
you hear come from former Clinton supporters jumping ship.
ASK THE EDITOR:
"Dear Mr. McGuffin, how many ants does it take to screw in a
light bulb?"
--Sally Tracy, Pensacola, FL.
MCGUFFIN REPLIES:
Two, if they can figure out how to get into the bulb.
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SPEAKING OF PARDONS...
 FBI
counter-intelligence agent Robert Phillip Hansen was arrested this
week and charged with being a spy for the past 15 years, turning over
highly classified information to Russia. Conviction on espionage
charges could bring life in prison, however in a lucky break for
Hansen, he's already been pardoned by Bill Clinton.
In a related story, Iraqi
leader Saddam Hussein pardoned Charles Manson. Hussein said he
realized his pardon has no
legal validity in America, but wanted to grant it "as a gesture
of goodwill." Reached for comment, George W. Bush told Untrue
News "He can do what he likes, his pardon is only good over there
in Arabia."
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INEFFECTIVE
FOR PURPOSES CLAIMED
Hello Upjohn Pharmaceuticals? I have a complaint about Rogaine.
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GIVE THIS MAN A COKE
In a 5-4 ruling, the United
States Supreme Court gave states immunity from lawsuits by disabled
employees. The majority decision was written by Chief Justice William
H. Rehnquist and joined by O'Connor, Scalia  and
Kennedy. In a separate concurring opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas
wrote "It would be unconstitutional, as well as morally and
ethically wrong to permit individual states to be sued by a bunch of
gimps."
CHILDREN'S NEWS
According to the website of 2
year old Jeffrey Willman, "caca, peepee, doodoo." |
Sign
up today and win a complete Home Entertainment System!
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
STANLEY KRAMER
(1914-2001)
by Untrue News film
and movie critic Avon Proctor
I'm sorry Mr.. Kramer is
dead, but frankly his movies weren't that great. For example, in The Defiant
Ones, Sidney Poitier has ALL the snappy, funny comeback lines, and Tony Curtis
has none. Yet Curtis keeps setting himself up for these devastating putdowns by
Poitier. You'd think a guy verbally beaten that badly every single time he opens
his mouth would finally get the idea and shut up. But not the Curtis character.
He keeps giving Poitier these delicious setup lines like "Got a
match?"
People say "High
Noon" was Kramer's thinly disguised protest against the McCarthy hearings
then being held in the US. But aren't those horses I see? And isn't that Gary
Cooper in a cowboy hat? Did the late Senator Joseph McCarthy wear a cowboy hat
to the hearings? I don't think so.
"On the Beach?"
Excellent if you like movies where everybody dies. I hope I didn't spoil the
ending for those who haven't seen it.
Then there is "The
Wild One" in which a biker gang takes over a small town, stays up late,
makes noise, and disrespects old people. The violence escalates until someone
sprains an ankle.
I could go on, but there is
no point. We'll probably never see the director's cut of "Judgment at
Nuremberg". This is not a personal attack on Stanley Kramer. It is merely
one person's opinion of some of his films. They can no longer be fixed. Because
he is dead, Mr.. Kramer will just have to live with that. End of report.
--AP
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your domain name today for $21.95 - click here
SONGS FROM THE
HEART
"Thank you, thank you, A&P Shoppers, that was a little ditty
I wrote called 'Buy More Flowers'. And at this time let's pick
up the tempo with another song I wrote, this one is titled 'Don't You
Want Some Chips Right Now.' Thank you."
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THE
PARANOIA FILES
From
our archives of conspiracy #22:
Some sources give silent film star Lillian Gish's year of birth as
1893. Others say 1894. Just what the hell is going on, that's
what we'd like to know! |
HOW
TO MAKE MONEY IN A FALLING STOCK MARKET.
by Untrue News financial analyst
Carter Van Brooke
Okay, the Dow and the
Nasdaq have been falling faster than Linda Tripp's facelift, but that
doesn't mean YOU have to be a loser. I'm going to show you my
secret of how to make money in a falling market. I'm going to show you how you
can have income every single day of your life, whether the market is high,
middle, or scraping the bottom of the barrel as it's doing now. If I can do it,
you can do it. I'll show you how to get money in the mail, cash money, every
day. No investment strategy ever beat this deal. So if you want to learn my
secret of how I get money in the mail every day, send ten dollars cash to:
Van
Brooke Enterprises
Box 111
Minot, North Dakota 58701.
Please add $19.95 Shipping & Handling.
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