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February 24, 2001

Special Paranoid Conspiracy Issue.
The Gold Rush. Was gold planted in creeks in 1849 by San Francisco real estate developers? Read more.
 

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue." 

Feb. 24, 2001

PARDON MY PARDON

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's brother, Hugh Rodham, was paid $400,000 as a fee for securing a presidential pardon, and a presidential commutation of sentence for two wealthy clients, one of whom was a cocaine dealer. 

Dark times in Clinton-Rodham familyBoth former President Clinton and his wife denied any knowledge that Mr. Rodham had been paid for the pardons. The loud splashing noises you hear come from former Clinton supporters jumping ship.

 

ASK THE EDITOR:
"Dear Mr. McGuffin, how many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
--Sally Tracy, Pensacola, FL.

MCGUFFIN REPLIES:
Two, if they can figure out how to get into the bulb.

 

 

SPEAKING OF PARDONS...

FBI counter-intelligence agent Robert Phillip Hansen was arrested this week and charged with being a spy for the past 15 years, turning over highly classified information to Russia. Conviction on espionage charges could bring life in prison, however in a lucky break for Hansen, he's already been pardoned by Bill Clinton.

In a related story, Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein pardoned Charles Manson. Hussein said he realized his pardon has no legal validity in America, but wanted to grant it "as a gesture of goodwill." Reached for comment, George W. Bush told Untrue News "He can do what he likes, his pardon is only good over there in Arabia."

 

INEFFECTIVE FOR PURPOSES CLAIMED


Hello Upjohn Pharmaceuticals? I have a complaint about Rogaine.

 

GIVE THIS MAN A COKE

In a 5-4 ruling, the United States Supreme Court gave states immunity from lawsuits by disabled employees. The majority decision was written by Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist and joined by O'Connor, Scalia and Kennedy. In a separate concurring opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas wrote "It would be unconstitutional, as well as morally and ethically wrong to permit individual states to be sued by a bunch of gimps."

CHILDREN'S NEWS

According to the website of 2 year old Jeffrey Willman, "caca, peepee, doodoo." 

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

STANLEY KRAMER (1914-2001)

by Untrue News film and movie critic Avon Proctor

I'm sorry Mr.. Kramer is dead, but frankly his movies weren't that great. For example, in The Defiant Ones, Sidney Poitier has ALL the snappy, funny comeback lines, and Tony Curtis has none. Yet Curtis keeps setting himself up for these devastating putdowns by Poitier. You'd think a guy verbally beaten that badly every single time he opens his mouth would finally get the idea and shut up. But not the Curtis character. He keeps giving Poitier these delicious setup lines like "Got a match?"

People say  "High Noon" was Kramer's thinly disguised protest against the McCarthy hearings then being held in the US. But aren't those horses I see? And isn't that Gary Cooper in a cowboy hat? Did the late Senator Joseph McCarthy wear a cowboy hat to the hearings? I don't think so.

"On the Beach?" Excellent if you like movies where everybody dies. I hope I didn't spoil the ending for those who haven't seen it.

Then there is "The Wild One" in which a biker gang takes over a small town, stays up late, makes noise, and disrespects old people. The violence escalates until someone sprains an ankle.

I could go on, but there is no point. We'll probably never see the director's cut of "Judgment at Nuremberg". This is not a personal attack on Stanley Kramer. It is merely one person's opinion of some of his films. They can no longer be fixed. Because he is dead, Mr.. Kramer will just have to live with that.  End of report. --AP

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SONGS FROM THE HEART


"Thank you, thank you, A&P Shoppers, that was a little ditty I wrote called 'Buy More Flowers'.  And at this time let's pick up the tempo with another song I wrote, this one is titled 'Don't You Want Some Chips Right Now.'  Thank you."

 

THE PARANOIA FILES

From our archives of conspiracy  #22:

Some sources give silent film star Lillian Gish's year of birth as 1893. Others say 1894.  Just what the hell is going on, that's what we'd like to know!

HOW TO MAKE MONEY IN A FALLING STOCK MARKET.
by Untrue News financial analyst Carter Van Brooke

Okay, the Dow and the Nasdaq have been falling faster than Linda Tripp's facelift,  but that doesn't mean YOU have to be a loser. I'm going to show you my secret of how to make money in a falling market. I'm going to show you how you can have income every single day of your life, whether the market is high, middle, or scraping the bottom of the barrel as it's doing now. If I can do it, you can do it. I'll show you how to get money in the mail, cash money, every day. No investment strategy ever beat this deal. So if you want to learn my secret of how I get money in the mail every day, send ten dollars cash to:

 Van Brooke Enterprises
Box 111
Minot, North Dakota 58701.
 Please add $19.95 Shipping & Handling.

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