<%@ Language=JavaScript %> January 6, 2001 Untrue News


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Read the hilarious weekly newsletter that has "more words than Haiku" (Journal of Japanese Literature) and is
"More boring than we are." (NY Times Editorial Page)

SPECIAL NEW YEAR EDITION. A LOOK BACK AT 1988.

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."          Jan. 6, 2001

THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE!

Time Magazine's Person of the Year, President-elect Dick Cheney graces a recent cover.

"Who's better than me?"

FLY ON THE WALL AT
AN ECONOMIC MEETING

PRESIDENT ELECT CHENEY: Look, understanding the stock market is very simple. If you go into a supermarket and there are a lot of oranges, they sell cheap, but if there are only two or three oranges, and everybody wants them, the price will go up."
GEORGE W. BUSH: How about tomatoes?
CHENEY: What?
BUSH: If everybody wants tomatoes, will the price go up?
CHENEY: Of course.
BUSH: Okay, this is what I don't understand. Why would the price of oranges go up if everybody wants tomatoes?
CHENEY: The price of tomatoes would go up.
BUSH: So the price of tomatoes is tied into the price of oranges. Very clever. People should be told that.
CHENEY: No, it's based on the economic system of supply and demand.
BUSH: You supply the tequilla, I'll demand some limes. Heh heh.
CHENEY:  And the more common something is, the cheaper it is.
BUSH: Like my wife.
CHENEY: Your wife??
BUSH: I'll bet she has no idea that oranges and tomatoes cost the same.

ILLEGAL OPERATION

A group of current and former African-American employees of Microsoft's Washington, D.C., and Redmond, Wash., offices are suing the company for $5 billion, alleging that they were repeatedly passed over for promotions,  paid less than white employees, and were victims of Microsoft's "plantation mentality."

Sipping a mint julep in his office overlooking a vast cotton field, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer said "These boys were not denied promotion because they are black. They were denied promotion because in keeping with their race they are shiftless, lazy, dishonest, and they kept using the white-only bathrooms. That should put to rest their accusation that we have a plantation mentality Plantations didn't even have bathrooms." Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates is in South Africa, and could not be reached for comment.

SMOKED OUT

Undercover narcotics officer Sean Bigelow expresses dismay that his two year investigation into high school crack smokers was abandoned by his superiors. Bigelow told Untrue News "Somehow these kids got the word that I wasn't a high school sophomore, and everything fell apart. I suspect a leak at the very highest levels of the department."

BACKWARD BASEBALL CAPS--THIS COULD BE THE START OF SOMETHING.

Canadian Parents: If your high-schooler comes home one day wearing his or her baseball cap backwards, don't panic. It's just the latest fad among Canadian teens, says Untrue News teen reporter Kelly Sundgard. Kelly writes from Edmonton "Kids these days are going nuts turning their baseball caps around, it's caught on like wildfire and everybody's doing it." Kelly's advice for kids whose parents object? "Tell them all the kids are doing it." If your parents insist? "You insist that all the kids are doing it." advises Kelly. What if they threaten to ground you? "Wear your cap BIF (bill in front) until you are out of sight, then turn it around." says Kelly. "Not that you should deceive your parents, but I'm just saying." Portrait of Roman Catholic Priest

Father Ian McIntosh sees the the backwards caps as the first step on the path to the devil. "Once tradition is broken, mocked and destroyed the way these children have done" he told Untrue News "it's soaping the windows of cars next, then that bebop music they listen to." Kelly Sundgard says "Oh pooh, he's an old fuddy-duddy. Give us kids a chance to express ourselves."

 

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS:

 

TAKE 217

Joe Lieberman and Al Gore rehearse for a show that closed out of town.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Mr. McGuffin,

David Letterman can't get an erection. Neither can a lot of other show business men I could name. A lot of them. You'd be surprised how many.

By the way, you know what would be funny? To pretend your dog is a human being, and give voice to its thoughts, like "Man I love drinking out of the toilet" and so on. Wouldn't that be hysterically funny? You know it would.

Merrill Markoe
Los Angeles, CA.

Apparently Ms. Markoe has not kept her witz about her. --McGuffin

Copyright 2000-2001 by Fool Moon, LLC.
All rights reserved.
Once again the producers of the Grammy Awards show failed to send us our complimentary tickets. Is there something you're afraid of, gentlemen?

 

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