<%@ Language=JavaScript %> January 13, 2001 Untrue News


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"So much humor it's not even funny." -- Christian Science Monitor

FACT:

If you were born on January 13, you share your birthday with Brandon Tartikoff, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, and Campbell Cooley, who played the First Guard in the "Xena Warrior Princess" episode "Vanishing Act" 

This issue is dedicated to O.J. and Jessica Simpson

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue." 

Jan. 13, 2001

...AND A FREE DINNER WITH MR. CLEAN

Linda ChavezLinda Chavez has withdrawn her name from consideration as secretary of Labor, after it was learned that she employed an illegal alien as a domestic. Ms. Chavez denied that she used the Guatemalan woman as a maid, but said "I've got a Jew lawyer and a Jew doctor, next time I want a maid, I'll play it safe and hire a Jew."

In a related story, President-elect Dick Cheney told Untrue News "Hire a Jew? Oh Lord, W. will love that one big time. Heheheee."

SO SUE ME

Speaking of hiring, Monica Lewinsky has Picture of Lewinsky hired a new lawyer and will sue a Detroit radio shock jock who referred to oral sex as a "Lewinsky". "I can't even begin to imagine the pain and humiliation this poor woman is going through." said her attorney, John Hummer.

GUILTY WITH AN EXPLANATION

Nestor Santiago, 31, was sentenced to life in prison yesterday after pleading guilty in Federal Court to sixteen charges of kidnapping, sex with a minor, sodomy, corrupting the morals of a minor, incest, child abuse and possession of child pornography.

Santiago's attorney told Untrue News his guilty plea "was not an admission of wrongdoing."

WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE

On Thursday, the FCC conditionally approved the $106-billion AOL-Time Warner merger. Asked what conditions were placed on the merger, FCC Commissioner Gloria Tristani told Untrue News "The conditions are Go to Gloria Tristani's Home Page simple and easy to follow. Payoffs will be made promptly and in cash, and no more than three months must elapse between a commission member leaving the FCC and his or her lucrative employment at AOL-Time Warner. This is something everyone can live with. Oh, and the stock options will be off the books." 

MEMORIES LIGHT THE CORNERS OF MY MIND

 

 

During a social hour at a local senior center, Lillian Drachower, 95, talks about her first husband to her friend Mabel Raush, 90.

 

 

Two months after completion of the Ritz Hotel in downtown Gering, Nebraska, its owners realized the hotel had no windows. "I can't imagine how it got to this stage" said Ronald F. Carter, president of the Nebraska consortium which owns the hotel, "It had to get past an architect, the city planning commission, three contractors and seventy five workmen. Apparently nobody was paying attention." Carter said the lack of windows should not hurt the hotel's business. "Unless you like wheat" said Carter, "there isn't much to see in Gering."

 

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS:

WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BECOME A NETWORK PROGRAMMER?

Jeff Zucker, NBC's new young entertainment president, suggested Wednesday that it really doesn't take much expertise to program a television network. "I make choices as a viewer every day" said Zucker, "and I'll use my gut instinct in the same way for NBC." 

Zucker said the most difficult part of his job was sleeping with GE Chairman John F. Welch.

Hollywood fashion maven Mr. Blackwell has issued his list of the world's ten worst-dressed celebrities. Topping the list was Britney Spears, whose outfits were dubbed "Madonna rejects." Also on the list were Bjork, Angelina Jolie and Courtney Love. Mr. Blackwell himself placed 11th, for the sequin studded backless cocktail dress he wore when announcing the list.

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King Arthur's Merlin the Magician lived backwards in time. How the hell did he program his VCR?

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