January 20, 2001 Untrue News

Queens of American entertainment

Teri Garr Barry Diller

Will the real Tootsie please stand up?

HEARTFELT GOOD WISHES

Our 43rd President was inaugurated today, January 20, 2001. Congratulations President Cheney, we hope God will give you the strength and vision to lead this country towards peace and prosperity.

(NOTE: No, we didn't steal "President Cheney" from Saturday Night Live, they stole it from us. See our "Lorne Michaels blows goats" issue of January 6.)

DON'T SLAM THE DOOR

Linda Tripp was fired from her job at the Department of Defense on Friday. According to reports filed by our staff from all corners of the globe, nobody gives a shit.

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIEND

The National Humor Awards were announced last week, and we are pleased that Untrue News won for using the hilarious juxtaposition of "President Cheney" and "Lorne Michaels blows goats" in the same paragraph. Our award was for "truth in humor." We couldn't be prouder. Thanks to everyone at NHA who voted for us

WHERE IS KEN STARR WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

Independent Counsel Robert Ray declined to indict or prosecute outgoing President William Jefferson Clinton in return for Clinton's admission that he mislead investigators in the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and his agreement to have his law license suspended for 5 Years.

Said Clinton "The one good thing about it is, by the time I get my license back, Strom Thurmond will be dead."

SCREW YOU? NO NO, SCREW ME. OH, LET'S JUST SCREW EVERYBODY

Jesse Jackson Rev Jessie Jackson admitted that he had fathered an illegitimate daughter as the result of a romance with a worker at his Washington DC office. In an exclusive interview with Untrue News, Rev. Jackson said that his situation "points out to the African-American community the importance of using condoms when having extra-marital affairs."

IT HELPS TO HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

"So the farmer says 'Alright, you can stay here, but you'll have to sleep with my one-legged daughter.' So the traveling salesman says..."

DICK SHEENY? IS THAT HOW YOU SAY IT?

In an interview with Tom Brokaw, George W. Bush twice mispronounced the name of Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia, calling him first Anthony, then Antonio. Bush later apologized, saying "I'm terribly sorry about my error, I hope Justice Scalzo will forgive me."

AND SHE'S NO GOOD IN BED EITHER

Lecture on bioWidget API
As long as I have your attention, how many of you think Maureen Dowd is funny? Hands? Anyone? Anyone at all?

FOR SALE: We are pleased to offer the new Monica Lewinsky Pez dispenser, the only one that doesn't open at the neck.

MY COUNTRY 'TWAS OF THEE

Security checkpoint
Liberals and moderates leave America following the inauguration.

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ENTER OUR CONTEST: How many email messages can you send to Don Imus (Imus@msnbc.com) saying "You really and truly eat shit, you untalented, alcoholic, coke-sniffing, pock-marked, ignorant, arrogant asshole. And your wife can't act and your kid sucks too." Send as many as you can, and we'll announce the name of the winner in a future issue of Untrue News. All entries become the property of Don Imus and cannot be returned.