Special issue honoring some people who did good stuff unselfishly and haven't been honored for it yet in any meaningful way, this issue is in honor of YOU and YOU.
Plus, once again, absolutely NO NUDE PICTURES OF ANGELINA JOLIE NUDE, NO NUDE ANGELINA JOLIE PICTURES, NOT HERE, NO VIDEO or FREE STILL PHOTOS OF ANGELINA JOLIE TOTALLY NUDE, not a chance, look elsewhere.
Hey, but be sure to read the rest of this issue, it's pretty funny. Then you can continue on to look for FREE PICTURES OF ANGELINA JOLIE as LARA CROFT in TOMB RAIDER, BOTH NUDE AND TOPLESS. But you won't find that kind of stuff here.
July 7, 2001
"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."
July 7, 2001
WE'RE IN GOOD HANDS
Dick Cheney had a heart device implanted last week, and will be able to resume his duties immediately. Cheney told the nation "My doctors assure me all will go well, however if anything should happen to me, my successor will be George W. Bush."
THE CIRCLE GAME
Although many people think crop circles are fake, the latest ones to appear strike fear wherever they are discovered. As seen in the photograph, the alien powers draw smiley faces in hayfields and cornfields, in regions as disparate as the midlands of England, and central Nebraska. "Geometric designs or peace symbols are one thing" said Nebraska Farmer Ronald "Dub" Andersen, whose field of silver queen corn was decimated by the circle, "But smiley faces, that's just plain scary."
SQUARE PIE, ROUND HOLE
Hedda Gundersen displays what she says will sweep the nation as the latest food craze, her square apple and cherry pies, sold at her new shop, PIES ARE SQUARE in Encino, California. When Untrue News pointed out that her pies are not square, but round, Ms. Gunderson exclaimed "Now you tell me!"
LOTS OF LIFE LEFT IN HIM
Louis Walz tries to wear a bowling trophy as a hat in the local Kiwanis Club's seventh annual "My grandfather is crazy as a loon" competition. Mr. Walz placed second, losing to Milton Scribe, who recited news bulletins from a radio station in his head.
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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
The Showbiz Legal Docket:
ARE THESE THE LIPS THAT SUNK A THOUSAND SHIPS?
Police in Los Angeles evicted a homeless family of four who had illegally moved into Angelina Jolie's lips. "We hated to do it" said Sgt. Perry Pringle of the LA Street Unit, "but the family had no right to be there."
SPRINGTIME FOR LARRY
Larry Hitler, great grandson of Nazi Germany's dictator Adolf Hitler, is suing writer Mel Brooks and the creative forces behind the musical "The Producers". The younger Hitler's suit alleges use of his great grandfather's name and likeness for profit without the express permission of the Hitler estate. Larry Hitler, who lives in the Westwood section of Los Angeles, told Untrue News he has a good chance of winning his case. "If you thought my great grandfather was evil, remorseless and cruel" he said, "wait till you see my lawyers."
WE DON'T SERVICE MINORS
Comedienne Paula Poundstone's arrest on charges of lewd conduct with a 14 year old has raised eyebrows all across Hollywood. In Los Angeles, William Daniels, president of the Screen Actors' Guild told Untrue News "I find it very difficult to believe that someone in as noble a profession as acting would ever take indecent liberties with a minor, I've never heard of it happening in Hollywood, ever."
INSTEAD OF CHEERS, JUST SAY "SALUD"
Paramount has settled a lawsuit brought against it by actors George Wendt and John Ratzenberger, who had claimed that their likenesses were used for two robots installed in a chain of Cheers "theme bars" operated at major airports. Asked about the settlement, current Paramount executives told Untrue News "Who the hell are George Wendt and John Ratzenberger?"
FROM THE FILES by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**
I had to be in court this week protecting my rights after the government "lost' the patents to my alien detector devices. The battle is just beginning. My attorney assures me that as soon as I find my copies of the patents, and copies of the checks I made out to the US Patent Office, we have a winning case. However, these have mysteriously disappeared, and when I told the judge they were spirited away by aliens I don't think he believed me.
Speaking of spirits, former Serb leader Slobodan Milosevic was spirited out of his cell and taken to Holland for trial before the International War Crimes Tribunal in The Hague. This breaking down of national border furthers the interests of the Bilderbergs (see refs in search engines) and the one world conspiracy. Or so it would seem, but the truth is, Milosevic is an alien and the tribunal consists of alien fighters (mostly) supplied by Majestic Alliance.
Milosevic is drugged and made to appear angry and evil, He will no doubt be jailed, possibly executed. One dead alien more or less is meaningless, the trial is a diversion, as is the alien autopsy, in fact the entire "Roswell Conspiracy" is one of the great con games of the world. Look into the ingredients in Lime Jello. And not just what the box says. REALLY look into it. (Requires knowledge of food chemistry.)
As to our Vice President Dick Cheney, who really knows what was implanted in him? It's amazing that they even told us it was going on, but that was probably to have their cover story in place in the event of the inevitable leak. I predict he will become pregnant within six months.
Do NOT smoke MK Ultras, no matter who tells you to. Haven't you wondered why they aren't sold in stores and you can only get them by mail? They have no nicotine, true, but what they have is MUCH MUCH WORSE.
Does anyone know where I can buy a large quantity of glycerin suppositories at a reduced price? I pay cash.
(**NOTE: Hyman Haydenis a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)