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Special CHRISTMAS IN JULY issue.
If someone you know has less than six months to live, this is the issue for them!

July 14, 2001

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

July 14,  2001

LET THE GAMES BEIJING

XieChina has been chosen by the International Olympic Committee to host the Olympic games of 2008. China assured the world that the games would be peaceful and unmarred by protest, as the 2008 date gives its secret police ample time to round up and jail all dissidents.

In preparation for the Games, China Tiananmen Square, 1989/APmust build 22 stadiums. Wang Wei, a leader of the Chinese Olympic bid, said it should not be a problem to complete the stadiums by 2006, "since we will have so many jailed dissidents to use as slave labor."

 

  GLOBAL HEAT

George W. Bush today promoted a number of studies and other measures intended to address the impact of greenhouse gases, including a $120 million NASA research project. Bush said that in his mind, the best way to combat global warming. fight poverty, decrease taxes and increase prosperity for all was "to allow the big oil companies to drill wherever they want."

 

CITY PAYS THROUGH THE ASS

Abner LouimaAbner Louima, a black man who was falsely arrested then sodomized with a mop handle by New York City police officers, settled his lawsuit with the city for almost $9 million.

 

New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani told Untrue News "He's lucky. I've had a broomstick up my ass all my life and nobody's given me squat."

 

 

UNTRUE NEWS OPINION POLL

DO WE GET OUR FARE BACK?

Driver James Dennison prepares to hitch his stranded bus to a tow truck. The bus, which became stalled in heavy snowdrifts, was carrying passengers to the annual Canada Day celebration on July 1, in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

 

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

RAIDING THE SAME OLD TOMB

Director Simon West says that he has produced a special and altered version of his film Tomb Raider for release as a DVD, including some scenes that were dropped from the original and cutting other scenes. West said he expects the DVD will be very different from the movie, "due to the fact that the DVD is good."

In one scene which appears only in the DVD, Angelina Jolie fights off an entire platoon of assassins, beating them into submission with her lips.

 

  NO, BUT I SAW THE MOVIE

The UK's new film Minister, Kim Howells, caused upset among British filmmakers, when he gave an interview in which he suggested that British films should be more like Hollywood's. Asked to define "more like Hollywood" Howells told Untrue News "by that I mean cheap, star-driven, formulaic and crappy."

Howells also remarked that he had once visited Hollywood "and was hugely impressed with the way their writers forgot about their egos and just wrote, rewrote, rewrote and rewrote again until it was right. What I admired was the factory idea. An industrial process, if you like." Members of the Writers Guild of America are said to be considering a fatwah against Howells.

 

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Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.FROM THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

Microscopic, encapsulated viruses are being spread by aliens to humans by adding the virus to bottles of nasal decongestant spray solution at the factory level.

Big bugs have little bugs upon their backs to bite'em, and little bugs have lessor bugs, and so, ad infinitum.  You have been warned.Of course this sounds too ridiculous to be true. But you have made that claim of all of my reports and you see now that some of them are only too true. So read carefully and with an open mind. Here is my proof: The virus in the spray bottle is enclosed in a time-release capsule which dissolves after 24 hours of ingestion, allowing the virus to enter the bloodstream of the victim. The virus itself hides within the nerve tissues, replicates slowly, and does not cause effects for a minimum of 25 years, after which the progression of the viral disease is rapid and its effects agonizing.

While the virus is "ripening" and getting ready to do its dirty work, the victims exhibit no symptoms whatsoever. I submit that most of these symptomless young people we see walking around with spray inhalers are already infected. Why else would they show no symptoms?

Be careful about what you put into your body. You never know what THEY have added to the mix.When you next see someone with a spray bottle of a certain brand of decongestant (I dare not name the brand or they will sue me like MK Ultra cigarettes did), pity them, especially if they appear otherwise healthy, because they don't know what they're in for. Make sure you don't use a certain brand of nasal spray (I wish I could tell you which one not to use).

I am currently investigating the "Church of Enlightened Assumption".  If I'm alive next week, I'll let you know what I find out. If not, let me know what you find out.

If anyone knows a good way to get old cat vomit out of shantung, please email me.

 --H.H.

The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

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