Special CHRISTMAS IN
JULY issue.
If someone you know has less than six months to live, this is the issue for
them!
July 14, 2001
"If we say it's untrue, there's no
way you can sue."
July 14, 2001
LET THE GAMES BEIJING
China
has been chosen by the International Olympic Committee to host the
Olympic games of 2008. China assured the world that the games would be
peaceful and unmarred by protest, as the 2008 date gives its secret
police ample time to round up and jail all dissidents.
In preparation for the Games, China
must
build 22 stadiums. Wang Wei, a leader of the Chinese Olympic bid, said
it should not be a problem to complete the stadiums by 2006, "since we
will have so many jailed dissidents to use as slave labor."
GLOBAL HEAT
George
W. Bush today promoted a number of studies and other measures intended
to address the impact of greenhouse gases, including a $120 million
NASA research project. Bush said that in his mind, the best way to
combat global warming. fight poverty, decrease taxes and increase
prosperity for all was "to allow the big oil companies to drill
wherever they want."
CITY PAYS THROUGH THE ASS
Abner
Louima, a black man who was falsely arrested then sodomized with a mop
handle by New York City police officers, settled his lawsuit with the
city for almost $9 million.
New
York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani told Untrue News "He's lucky. I've had
a broomstick up my ass all my life and nobody's given me squat."
UNTRUE NEWS
OPINION POLL
DO WE GET OUR FARE BACK?
Driver James Dennison prepares to hitch his stranded bus to a tow truck. The
bus, which became stalled in heavy snowdrifts, was carrying passengers to the
annual Canada Day celebration on July 1, in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
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NEWS OF
SHOW BUSINESS
RAIDING THE SAME OLD TOMB
Director Simon West says that he has produced a special and altered
version of his film Tomb Raider for release as a DVD, including some
scenes
that were dropped from the original and cutting other scenes. West said
he expects the DVD will be very different from the movie, "due to the
fact that the DVD is good."
In one scene which appears only in the DVD, Angelina Jolie fights off
an entire platoon of assassins, beating them into submission with her
lips.
NO, BUT I SAW THE MOVIE
The UK's new film Minister, Kim Howells, caused upset among British
filmmakers, when he gave an interview in which he suggested that
British films should be more like Hollywood's. Asked to define "more
like Hollywood" Howells told Untrue News "by that I mean cheap,
star-driven, formulaic and crappy."
Howells also remarked that he had once visited Hollywood "and was
hugely impressed with the way their writers forgot about their egos and
just wrote, rewrote, rewrote and rewrote again until it was right. What
I admired was the factory idea.
An
industrial process, if you like." Members of the Writers Guild of
America are said to be considering a fatwah against Howells.
FROM
THE
FILES by Untrue News
paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**
Microscopic, encapsulated viruses are being spread by
aliens to humans by adding the virus to bottles of nasal decongestant spray
solution at the factory level.
Of
course this sounds too ridiculous to be true. But you have made that claim of
all of my reports and you see now that some of them are only too true. So
read carefully and with an open mind. Here is my proof: The virus in the
spray bottle is enclosed in a time-release capsule which dissolves after 24
hours of ingestion, allowing the virus to enter the bloodstream of the
victim. The virus itself hides within the nerve tissues, replicates slowly,
and does not cause effects for a minimum of 25 years, after which the
progression of the viral disease is rapid and its effects agonizing.
While the virus is "ripening" and getting ready to do
its dirty work, the victims exhibit no symptoms whatsoever. I submit that
most of these symptomless young people we see walking around with spray
inhalers are already infected. Why else would they show no symptoms?
When
you next see someone with a spray bottle of a certain brand of decongestant
(I dare not name the brand or they will sue me like
MK Ultra cigarettes did), pity them, especially if they appear otherwise
healthy, because they don't know what they're in for. Make sure you don't use
a certain brand of nasal spray (I wish I could tell you which one not to
use).
I am currently investigating the "Church of Enlightened
Assumption". If I'm alive next week, I'll let you know what I find out.
If not, let me know what you find out.
If anyone knows a good way to get old cat vomit out of
shantung, please email me.
--H.H.
(**NOTE:
Hyman
Haydenis a
member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP)
and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
must
build 22 stadiums. Wang Wei, a leader of the Chinese Olympic bid, said
it should not be a problem to complete the stadiums by 2006, "since we
will have so many jailed dissidents to use as slave labor."
George
W. Bush today promoted a number of studies and other measures intended
to address the impact of greenhouse gases, including a $120 million
NASA research project. Bush said that in his mind, the best way to
combat global warming. fight poverty, decrease taxes and increase
prosperity for all was "to allow the big oil companies to drill
wherever they want."
Abner
Louima, a black man who was falsely arrested then sodomized with a mop
handle by New York City police officers, settled his lawsuit with the
city for almost $9 million. 
New
York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani told Untrue News "He's lucky. I've had
a broomstick up my ass all my life and nobody's given me squat."
scenes
that were dropped from the original and cutting other scenes. West said
he expects the DVD will be very different from the movie, "due to the
fact that the DVD is good."
