"If we say it's untrue,
there's no way you can sue."
July 28, 2001
SADDAM SHAME
Following
an attempt by Baghdad's military to shoot down an American U-2
spy plane, George W. Bush said that Iraqi President Saddam
Hussein "is still a menace" a decade after the Persian Gulf War.
Asked why the US didn't simply bomb Iraq back to the stone age,
Bush said "I can answer that question in three words. O. I. L."
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
President Bush applied direct
pressure on Congress this week to adopt limited protections for
Americans in managed-care plans. Asked for details, Mr. Bush
replied "Under our plan, the care would be limited to aspirin
and Kaopectate."
SEMPER FI
THE MARINES. We're looking for a few good men. But as you can
see, we'll take anybody.
UNTRUE NEWS
POLL QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
UNTRUE NEWS RECOMMENDS:
MOVIE OF THE WEEK: Planet of The
Apes depicts the world as a brutal, primal place where apes are in
charge and humans scavenge for subsistence, enslaved by tyrannical
primates. The film is expected to be an Oscar contender in the
category "best documentary."
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NEWS OF SHOW
BUSINESS
THE CRYSTAL GROWS DARK
Billy
Crystal has taken himself out of the running for host of next
year's Academy Awards show saying he no longer found the Oscar
work satisfying. Lighting a cigar the size of Wilt Chamberlain,
Crystal told Untrue News "As my talent diminishes, my arrogance
grows. It feels great. Now get out."
Asked who would be likely to
replace Crystal, producer Gil Cates said "It will be either
Whoopi Goldberg or a fire hydrant, whichever is funnier."
FLOPPY BONE
The
year's biggest movie flop so far, Monkeybone, cost more than $70
million to make and took in only $5 million at the box office.
News Corp President Peter Chernin
said during a telephone interview "We're going to try making up
the loss by pricing the dvd at $100,000."
TIGER TIGER BURNING BRIGHT
Animal rights activist Donna
McCormack wears a tiger-striped outfit and sits in a cage in
downtown Rochester, NY, to discourage people from buying tickets to
the circus. Although ticket sales did not decline, pet store owners
report a 500% increase in the sale of cages.
EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE
Disney animators have seen their
paychecks drastically cut during the company's current
retrenchment, the New York Times indicated last week. The
newspaper said that some Disney animators are now being asked to
agree to a 35-50 percent pay cut or leave.
Disney Studios chief Peter Schneider told Untrue News: "I'm not
saying it's pleasant or easy, but that's just life, isn't it?"
Asked if he were personally taking a cut in his salary and
perks, Schneider replied "No, by cutting everyone else's salary,
I was able to save the company enough money to double my own.
That's what being a good executive is all about."
THESE KIDS TODAY
Brian
Corley, Vice President in charge of comedy development at Fox
network was arrested in Los Angeles for soliciting sex from a
person under the age of 18. Charges were quickly dropped when
police discovered that Corley was also under the age of 18.
FROM
THE
FILES by
Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**
Do you sleep? You
shouldn't. Let me tell you why sleep is one of the most insidious
evils ever devised. Bruno Hauptmann, kidnapper and killer of
the Lindbergh baby, admitted to police that at the time the crime was
committed, he was asleep. He said he was innocent, but let me ask
you, if he was asleep, how did he know he was innocent?
Charles Manson told
police that at the time of the Sharon Tate killings he was asleep.
Timothy McVeigh, before blowing up the Oklahoma City Federal
Building, had a full 8 hours sleep. Have I given enough examples, or
do you want more? Okay, Susan Smith, who drowned her children,
regularly slept six to eight hours per night. So did Hitler. And so
did John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated President Lincoln. For the
love of God people, do not sleep!
Now
let's discuss the satellites in space that can not only see into your
homes, but can see into your mind. You don't believe it? Think about
this: the police can come to you any time and see into your home.
They don't need a billion dollar satellite orbiting earth to do so.
All they have to do is knock on your door and force their way in. But
what they can't do is see into your mind. That's where satellites
come in. If you think you've had a thought that isn't recorded and
printed out for some CIA or CIC or FBI agent to read, think again.
These satellites even print out thoughts you didn't know you had! The
dossier on you gets larger every day, yet you just sit there laughing
at me. So be it, it's your life. But let me ask this: Why do you
think the police HAVEN'T come to your door? Because they
already know.
I've tried to alert you to the dangers you face. You can take my
advice or leave it, it's entirely up to you. All I know is, I don't
sleep, I live in a lead-shielded room, and I wear my lead-foil
cap at all times. No government is going to get into MY thoughts, no
sir, no sir.
--H.H.
(**NOTE:
Hyman Hayden
is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for
Personal Protection (PAPP)
and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
Brian
Corley, Vice President in charge of comedy development at Fox
network was arrested in Los Angeles for soliciting sex from a
person under the age of 18. Charges were quickly dropped when
police discovered that Corley was also under the age of 18.
