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SPECIAL JULY 28, 2001 ISSUE

July 28, 2001

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

July 28,  2001

SADDAM SHAME

Following an attempt by Baghdad's military to shoot down an American U-2 spy plane, George W. Bush said that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein "is still a menace" a decade after the Persian Gulf War. Asked why the US didn't simply bomb Iraq back to the stone age, Bush said "I can answer that question in three words. O. I. L."

 

 

 

TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS

President Bush applied direct pressure on Congress this week to adopt limited protections for Americans in managed-care plans. Asked for details, Mr. Bush replied "Under our plan, the care would be limited to aspirin and Kaopectate."

 

SEMPER FI


THE MARINES. We're looking for a few good men. But as you can see, we'll take anybody.

UNTRUE NEWS
POLL QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

Which is worse?

A Congressman in bed with an intern

A President in bed with Exxon

UNTRUE NEWS RECOMMENDS:

MOVIE OF THE WEEK: Planet of The Apes depicts the world as a brutal, primal place where apes are in charge and humans scavenge for subsistence, enslaved by tyrannical primates. The film is expected to be an Oscar contender in the category "best documentary."

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

THE CRYSTAL GROWS DARK

The Dark CrystalBilly Crystal has taken himself out of the running for host of next year's Academy Awards show saying he no longer found the Oscar work satisfying. Lighting a cigar the size of Wilt Chamberlain, Crystal told Untrue News "As my talent diminishes, my arrogance grows. It feels great. Now get out."

Asked who would be likely to replace Crystal, producer Gil Cates said "It will be either Whoopi Goldberg or a fire hydrant, whichever is funnier."

 

  FLOPPY BONE

The year's biggest movie flop so far, Monkeybone, cost more than $70 million to make and took in only $5 million at the box office.

News Corp President Peter Chernin said during a telephone interview "We're going to try making up the loss by pricing the dvd at $100,000."

 

TIGER TIGER BURNING BRIGHT

Tiger, Tiger, burning bright...

Animal rights activist Donna McCormack wears a tiger-striped outfit and sits in a cage in downtown Rochester, NY, to discourage people from buying tickets to the circus. Although ticket sales did not decline, pet store owners report a 500% increase in the sale of cages.

EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE

Disney animators have seen their paychecks drastically cut during the company's current retrenchment, the New York Times indicated last week. The newspaper said that some Disney animators are now being asked to agree to a 35-50 percent pay cut or leave.


Disney Studios chief Peter Schneider told Untrue News: "I'm not saying it's pleasant or easy, but that's just life, isn't it?" Asked if he were personally taking a cut in his salary and perks, Schneider replied "No, by cutting everyone else's salary, I was able to save the company enough money to double my own. That's what being a good executive is all about."

 

  THESE KIDS TODAY

Brian Corley, Vice President in charge of comedy development at Fox network was arrested in Los Angeles for soliciting sex from a person under the age of 18. Charges were quickly dropped when police discovered that Corley was also under the age of 18.

 

 

 

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Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.FROM THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

Do you sleep? You shouldn't. Let me tell you why sleep is one of the most insidious evils ever devised.  Bruno Hauptmann, kidnapper and killer of the Lindbergh baby, admitted to police that at the time the crime was committed, he was asleep. He said he was innocent, but let me ask you, if he was asleep, how did he know he was innocent? 

Charles Manson told police that at the time of the Sharon Tate killings he was asleep. Timothy McVeigh, before blowing up the Oklahoma City Federal Building, had a full 8 hours sleep. Have I given enough examples, or do you want more? Okay, Susan Smith, who drowned her children, regularly slept six to eight hours per night. So did Hitler. And so did John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated President Lincoln. For the love of God people, do not sleep!

They can hear your every thought.  Think HAARP.Now let's discuss the satellites in space that can not only see into your homes, but can see into your mind. You don't believe it? Think about this: the police can come to you any time and see into your home. They don't need a billion dollar satellite orbiting earth to do so. All they have to do is knock on your door and force their way in. But what they can't do is see into your mind. That's where satellites come in. If you think you've had a thought that isn't recorded and printed out for some CIA or CIC or FBI agent to read, think again. These satellites even print out thoughts you didn't know you had! The dossier on you gets larger every day, yet you just sit there laughing at me. So be it, it's your life. But let me ask this: Why do you think the police HAVEN'T come to your door?  Because they already know. the only protection against the aural harmaonics

I've tried to alert you to the dangers you face. You can take my advice or leave it, it's entirely up to you. All I know is, I don't sleep,  I live in a lead-shielded room, and I wear my lead-foil cap at all times. No government is going to get into MY thoughts, no sir, no sir.

 --H.H.

The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

 

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