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June 2, 2001

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

June 2,  2001

Extensive Assumption in actionWOODSMAN SPARE THAT TREE

Visiting California, George W. Bush was taken to a forest of majestic redwood trees.

 

Majestic redwood treeAwed by the sight, Mr. Bush told an Untrue News reporter "Look at these beautiful creations. I hereby pledge to the American people that I will do everything in my power to save at least fifteen percent of them."

 

MKULTRAIn a related story, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, Christy Whitman, said that Americans who wanted to heal the hole in the ozone layer and stop global warming would "have be be patient." Asked how long the people would have to be patient, Whitman said "At least until I am out of office."

  BUSH SONG

George W. Bush sings:
(to the tune of "If I Only Had A Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz")

I would figure out a way ta
Fudge economic data
So no one would complain
When I give back some taxes
To rich folks with Cadillacses
If I only had a brain.

I would bask in ideation
And learn about each nation
From Senegal to Spain,
I'd learn how to spell Buddha,
Know Burundi from Bermuda
If I only had a brain

I'd toil
To drill for oil
On land that is pristine
With the best excuse that you have ever seen,
We need the gas,
So up your ass.

I would not get into trouble,
I'd be subliminable
And thought would cause no pain.
I'd be swift, I'd be brainy
And I wouldn't need Dick Cheney
If I only had a brain.

HOT STUFF

hello gentlemen

Wendy McCracken pours hot water over a frozen dinner as her entry in the "World's Worst Cook" contest, held annually in Norman, Oklahoma. Mrs. McCracken placed fifth.

 

  DEATH DEFYING LAWMAKERS

we get signal

Texas Governor Rick Perry told Untrue News his state was thinking of legislating a change in the penal laws. If the legislation passes, said Governor Perry, "from now on, we'll only be executing guilty people."

 

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

WHOSE WATER IS IT, ANYWAY?

you have no chance to survive make your timeKeiko, the star of the Free Willy films was released into the Atlantic, the London Times reported. In true show business fashion, Willy, the world's most famous whale, refused to go until he was given an assistant, a double-wide trailer, and his wife placed on the studio payroll.

SOMEONE SET UP US THE BOMB

The overseas version of the film "Pearl Harbor" has been editedAll your base are belong to us to make it more appealing to the European and Asian markets. In the Euro version England saves America from the attack, and in the Asian version the Japanese win the war. Critics who saw the re-edited versions say the film is still god-awful.

 

  AND MANY MORE

for great justice move zig

Friends and family gather to wish a happy birthday to actress Carol Channing.

 

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June 2 2001

 

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Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.FROM THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

There's a new, nicotine-free cigarette on the market called MK-Ultra. While this may seem like good news for smokers, it is not. Our sources report a mind altering substance contained in the herbal mix which is intended to soften your brain and make it more receptive to takeover from an alien power.

Never Assume, or Be Assumed. This is a warning the Surgeon General won't give you.

While some may scoff at the idea, let me remind everyone that MK-Ultra is the code name used by the United States Army in the 1950's--70's for a program in which unwitting soldiers were given LSD "experimentally" to see if it made them more suggestible. Those who doubt this may visit the following websites:

(DATA REMOVED AT REQUEST OF US GOVERNMENT)

We do not condone smoking cigarettes, but if you must smoke stay away from MK-Ultras. Better to get emphysema and lung cancer than to allow aliens to capture your mind. If you are already smoking MK-Ultras, throw them out and pay attention to the warning signs of alien invasion which manifest in your body:

1. crust in corner of eyes upon awakening
2. unreasonable anger when robbed of money or assaulted by a stranger
3. a desire for personal happiness and security
4. thinking you have a shot with Anna Nicole Smith, if only you could meet her.
5. you think Craig Kilborn is funny

 --H.H.

The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

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Shadow Gov. agent sightings

 

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