"If we say it's untrue, there's no way
you can sue."
June 2, 2001
WOODSMAN
SPARE THAT TREE
Visiting California,
George W. Bush was taken to a forest of majestic redwood trees.
Awed
by the sight, Mr. Bush told an Untrue News reporter "Look at these
beautiful creations. I hereby pledge to the American people that I will
do everything in my power to save at least fifteen percent of them."
In
a related story, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency,
Christy Whitman, said that Americans who wanted to heal the hole in the
ozone layer and stop global warming would "have be be patient." Asked
how long the people would have to be patient, Whitman said "At least
until I am out of office."
BUSH SONG
George W. Bush
sings: (to the tune of "If I Only Had A Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz")
I would figure out a way
ta
Fudge economic data
So no one would complain
When I give back some taxes
To rich folks with Cadillacses
If I only had a brain.
I would bask in ideation
And learn about each nation
From Senegal to Spain,
I'd learn how to spell Buddha,
Know Burundi from Bermuda
If I only had a brain
I'd toil
To drill for oil
On land that is pristine
With the best excuse that you have ever seen,
We need the gas,
So up your ass.
I would not get into
trouble,
I'd be subliminable
And thought would cause no pain.
I'd be swift, I'd be brainy
And I wouldn't need Dick Cheney
If I only had a brain.
HOT STUFF
Wendy McCracken pours hot
water over a frozen dinner as her entry in the "World's Worst Cook"
contest, held annually in Norman, Oklahoma. Mrs. McCracken placed fifth.
DEATH DEFYING LAWMAKERS
Texas Governor Rick Perry
told Untrue News his state was thinking of legislating a change in the
penal laws. If the legislation passes, said Governor Perry, "from now
on, we'll only be executing guilty people."
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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
WHOSE WATER IS IT, ANYWAY?
Keiko,
the star of the Free Willy films was released into the Atlantic, the London
Times reported. In true show business fashion, Willy, the world's most
famous whale, refused to go until he was given an assistant, a double-wide
trailer, and his wife placed on the studio payroll.
SOMEONE SET UP US THE BOMB
The overseas version of
the film "Pearl Harbor" has been edited
to make it more appealing to the European and Asian markets. In the
Euro version England saves America from the attack, and in the Asian
version the Japanese win the war. Critics who saw the re-edited
versions say the film is still god-awful.
AND MANY MORE
Friends and family gather
to wish a happy birthday to actress Carol Channing.
FROM
THE
FILES by Untrue News paranoid
editor Hyman Hayden**
There's a new,
nicotine-free cigarette on the market called MK-Ultra. While this may seem
like good news for smokers, it is not. Our sources report a mind altering
substance contained in the herbal mix which is intended to soften your brain
and make it more receptive to takeover from an alien power.
While some may
scoff at the idea, let me remind everyone that MK-Ultra is the code name used
by the United States Army in the 1950's--70's for a program in which unwitting
soldiers were given LSD "experimentally" to see if it made them more
suggestible. Those who doubt this may visit the following websites:
(DATA REMOVED AT
REQUEST OF US GOVERNMENT)
We do not
condone smoking cigarettes, but if you must smoke stay away from MK-Ultras.
Better to get emphysema and lung cancer than to allow aliens to capture your
mind. If you are already smoking MK-Ultras, throw them out and pay attention
to the warning signs of alien invasion which manifest in your body:
1. crust in
corner of eyes upon awakening
2. unreasonable anger when robbed of money or assaulted by a stranger
3. a desire for personal happiness and security
4. thinking you have a shot with Anna Nicole Smith, if only you could meet
her.
5. you think Craig Kilborn is funny
--H.H.
(**NOTE:
Hyman
Haydenis a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP)
and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
WOODSMAN
SPARE THAT TREE
Awed
by the sight, Mr. Bush told an Untrue News reporter "Look at these
beautiful creations. I hereby pledge to the American people that I will
do everything in my power to save at least fifteen percent of them."
In
a related story, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency,
Christy Whitman, said that Americans who wanted to heal the hole in the
ozone layer and stop global warming would "have be be patient." Asked
how long the people would have to be patient, Whitman said "At least
until I am out of office."
Keiko,
the star of the Free Willy films was released into the Atlantic, the London
Times reported. In true show business fashion, Willy, the world's most
famous whale, refused to go until he was given an assistant, a double-wide
trailer, and his wife placed on the studio payroll.
to make it more appealing to the European and Asian markets. In the
Euro version England saves America from the attack, and in the Asian
version the Japanese win the war. Critics who saw the re-edited
versions say the film is still god-awful.
