LOOKING FOR
THOSE SPECIAL NUDE PHOTOS OF HALLE BERRY IN "SWORDFISH?"
LOOKING FOR HALLE BERRY NAKED IN 'SWORDFISH"?
LOOKING FOR HALLE BERRY NUDE PHOTOS, OR NUDE PHOTOS OF HALLE BERRY TOPLESS?
You won't find them here,
we have other fish to fry,
if you'll pardon the expression.
June 16, 2001
"If we say it's untrue, there's no way
you can sue."
June 16, 2001
A MAN FOR NO REASONS
George W.
Bush spent Wednesday in Brussels, where he asked King Albert II "where can I
get some of them sprouts this town is so famous for?"
In Warsaw on
Thursday, Mr. Bush joked
with President Aleksander Kwasniewski,
saying "Hey, why'd the Polish guy throw a clock out the window? You don't
know? You really ARE Polish!"
Bush then
made a speech, telling an indifferent crowd "The Iron Curtain is no more.
Now we plan and build the house of freedom whose doors are open to all of
Europe's peoples, and in return, all we ask is that you take some of our
Mexicans."
POP QUIZ:
Question: Which
one of these three presidents pronounced the word "nuclear" correctly?
(Answer:
As if you didn't know)
A POSTHUMOUS
INTERVIEW WITH TIMOTHY MCVEIGH by Untrue News editor-in-chief Mark McGuffin
Under the terms
of his federal death warrant, Timothy McVeigh asked for and was granted one post
mortem interview. He chose Untrue News as his media outlet..
INTERVIEWER:
Mr. McVeigh... McVEIGH: Please call me Tim. INT: The first question on everyone's mind, I guess, is this. Were you
saved? Are you in heaven? McV:
I don't think so. I'm in a waiting room right now, it's very crowded,
featureless, and it certainly doesn't smell like heaven. INT: Can you tell us what it feels like to die? McV: No, I was full of sodium pentothal at the time so I really don't
remember anything until I made the river crossing. INT: You crossed the river Styx by ferry boat? McV: No, you have to fly Continental coach. INT: I see. McV: And if that's how I have to spend eternity, then I am TRULY
repentant. INT: You received the last rites just before your death, does that mean
you'll be in purgatory and not in hell? McV: My attorneys are working that out right now. INT: How's the food? McV: Terrible. Worse than prison food. INT: Worse than airline food? McV: No. INT: Is the afterlife what you expected, at least so far? McV: I'm sorry, they're prodding me with pitchforks, I have to go. Oww,
hey, you burned me. That really hurt. Owww. INT: Thank you, Tim. McV: No no, not there, not with a white hot curling iron! Aggggghhhhhh!
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NEWS OF
SHOW BUSINESS
THE COLLAGEN CLAUSE
Our movie and
film critic Avon Proctor reports: A clause in Angelina Jolie's "Tomb Raider"
contract with Paramount Pictures gives us a clue about her appearance. She
receives an extra $500 for each day her lips weigh more than 12 pounds.
I SAID HE WAS
FLOGGIN' GOOFY
Martin Mawyer
and Phillip Vaught of the Christian Action Network secretly videotaped gay
patrons at Disney World during a recent "Gay Day" at the park. Mawyer and
Vaught first said they planned to show their tapes at a Disney shareholders
meeting, then confessed "We were just looking for a little Christian action
ourselves."
FROM
THE
FILES by Untrue News paranoid
editor Hyman Hayden**
The MK-Ultra people have threatened to sue me for advising you to ditch their
product. Let them! I have no money anyway and nothing for them to take except
the patents on my various alien detectors, and if they try that, they'll find
out just how insidious the government is, because THE PATENT FILES HAVE
DISAPPEARED. The US Patent Office CLAIMS they can't find the files nor my patent
numbers. Then I realized why. The government doesn't want interlopers hogging
their action battling aliens. When it's over, they and they alone want to be the
heroes.
That's
why there is all the "smoke" (MK-Ultra) about Roswell, and that is why the
man who pretends to be a delivery boy for a takeout Chinese joint on Frontage
Road is really in the employ of the shadow government which is funded
by....well, you know who it is funded by.
This "delivery man" so-called, quotes mine, has attempted to plant an invisible
bug in my doorframe each time he brings me my pineapple chicken but I am too
smart for him and he has not yet succeeded.
But
there is a dog whose owner "coincidentally" walks him at the same time every day
as I leave my home, who pretends to love me (the dog, not the owner pretends to
love me, God the structure of the English language can be confusing sometimes,
even to a native speaker) but this dog is wired up with equipment inside him to
transmit my essences to the aliens.
So let them sue me. Just let them try. They won't even be able to find me,
unless they hire a detective or something like that.
--H.H.
(**NOTE:
Hyman
Haydenis a
member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP)
and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
