<%@ Language=JavaScript %> June 16, 2001 Untrue News

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You won't find them here, we have other fish to fry,
if you'll pardon the expression.

June 16, 2001

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

June 16,  2001


George W. Bush spent Wednesday in Brussels, where he asked King Albert II "where can I get some of them sprouts this town is so famous for?"

In Warsaw on Thursday, Mr. Bush Government Leaders - Bush in Polandjoked with President  Aleksander Kwasniewski, saying "Hey, why'd the Polish guy throw a clock out the window? You don't know? You really ARE Polish!"

Bush then made a speech, telling an indifferent crowd "The Iron Curtain is no more. Now we plan and build the house of freedom whose doors are open to all of Europe's peoples, and in return, all we ask is that you take some of our Mexicans."


Eisenhower - nucularClinton - nuclearG W Bush - nucular

Question: Which one of these three presidents pronounced the word "nuclear" correctly?


(Answer:  As if you didn't know)

by Untrue News editor-in-chief  Mark McGuffin

Under the terms of his federal death warrant, Timothy McVeigh asked for and was granted one post mortem interview. He chose Untrue News as his media outlet..

McVEIGH: Please call me Tim.
INT: The first question on everyone's mind, I guess, is this. Were you saved? Are you in heaven?
Only a patsyMcV: I don't think so. I'm in a waiting room right now, it's very crowded, featureless, and it certainly doesn't smell like heaven.
INT: Can you tell us what it feels like to die?
McV: No, I was full of sodium pentothal at the time so I really don't remember anything until I made the river crossing.
INT: You crossed the river Styx by ferry boat?
McV: No, you have to fly Continental coach.
INT: I see.
McV: And if that's how I have to spend eternity, then I am TRULY repentant.
INT: You received the last rites just before your death, does that mean you'll be in purgatory and not in hell?
McV: My attorneys are working that out right now.
INT: How's the food?
McV: Terrible. Worse than prison food.
INT: Worse than airline food?
McV: No.
INT: Is the afterlife what you expected, at least so far?
McV: I'm sorry, they're prodding me with pitchforks, I have to go. Oww, hey, you burned me. That really hurt. Owww.
INT: Thank you, Tim.
McV: No no, not there, not with a white hot curling iron! Aggggghhhhhh!

Golden Showers from Roswell, New Mexico. Share some showers with a friend.

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Angelina Jolie, not topless and not nude, will play Lara Croft in Tomb Raider. She will not appear naked, or have a nude scene as Lara Croft. As far as we know, Angelina Jolie has no plans to appear topless or nude in any upcoming motion pictures. We will keep you posted.

Our movie and film critic Avon Proctor reports: A clause in Angelina Jolie's "Tomb Raider" contract with Paramount Pictures gives us a clue about her appearance. She receives an extra $500 for each day her lips weigh more than 12 pounds. 



Gay Day 2001 at Disney World

Martin Mawyer and Phillip Vaught of the Christian Action Network secretly videotaped gay patrons at Disney World during a recent "Gay Day" at the park. Mawyer and Vaught first said they planned to show their tapes at a Disney shareholders meeting, then confessed "We were just looking for a little Christian action ourselves."


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Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.FROM THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

The MK-Ultra people have threatened to sue me for advising you to ditch their product. Let them! I have no money anyway and nothing for them to take except the patents on my various alien detectors, and if they try that, they'll find out just how insidious the government is, because THE PATENT FILES HAVE DISAPPEARED. The US Patent Office CLAIMS they can't find the files nor my patent numbers. Then I realized why. The government doesn't want interlopers hogging their action battling aliens. When it's over, they and they alone want to be the heroes.

Special DeliveryThat's why there is all the "smoke" (MK-Ultra)  about Roswell, and that is why the man who pretends to be a delivery boy for a takeout Chinese joint on Frontage Road is really in the employ of the shadow government which is funded by....well, you know who it is funded by.

This "delivery man" so-called, quotes mine, has attempted to plant an invisible bug in my doorframe each time he brings me my pineapple chicken but I am too smart for him and he has not yet succeeded.

Robotic Alien DogBut there is a dog whose owner "coincidentally" walks him at the same time every day as I leave my home, who pretends to love me (the dog, not the owner pretends to love me, God the structure of the English language can be confusing sometimes, even to a native speaker) but this dog is wired up with equipment inside him to transmit my essences to the aliens.

So let them sue me. Just let them try. They won't even be able to find me, unless they hire a detective or something like that.  


The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

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Shadow Gov. agent sightings


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