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March 3, 2001

SPECIAL ISSUE FOR WEASEL LOVERS.
(See our story, These Are Your Senators,  p. 12).

 

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue." 

Mar. 03, 2001

GERMANS DESPISE HATE

Germany announced a nationwide program to combat anti-Semitism and hostility to foreigners among German youth. German government officials told Untrue News "we have already spent six hundred marks ($300.) on the program, and plan to spend much more."

 

MORTIMER'S NERD

George W. Bush spoke to Congress and the nation on Tuesday. To the surprise of most viewers, as Bush spoke, you could hardly see Cheney's lips move.

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THESE ARE THE JOKES, FOLKS

Hugh Rodham is so fat, Clinton will have to pardon him twice.

 

WELCOME, HEAVY INDUSTRY

Manufacturing returned to New York City this week when an abacus factory opened in the Bronx. New York City's Mayor Rudolph Giuliani called the opening of the factory counter productive

 

TILL YOU FIND YOUR DREAM

Todd Benviades as Mother Abbess, and Nick Scolarno as Maria rehearse "Climb Every Mountain", a number from the all male production of "The Sound of Music" opening next Saturday at the 45th Street Theater.

THINGS NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM

In a reversal of common wisdom, a grand jury in New York City today failed to indict a ham sandwich. Manhattan Assistant District Attorney Bernard Ferguson told Untrue News the sandwich was accused of racketeering, conspiracy and a variety of other charges in a drug case.

"I've always heard a D.A. could get a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich" said Ferguson "but apparently that just isn't so. I'll think twice before I trust a cliché again, you can take that to the bank!" 

Harold Lipman, the sandwich's defense attorney said "My client has been vindicated, justice has been done. Other than the fact that I don't eat ham, I have no further comment."

The sandwich, a Polish ham on Grossinger's Seedless Rye, with deli mustard, cheese, tomato and lettuce, with a slice of garlic pickle and a small bag of Cape Cod chips on the side, was tossed into a dumpster outside the courthouse a few minutes after the grand jury's refusal to indict. "It was getting old" said Ferguson.

Grand jury proceedings are secret. Jury members left the courthouse by a side door and could not be reached for comment.


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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME

Everybody Loves Raymond was named best comedy series and The West Wing, best drama series at the TV Guide Awards ceremony.

Ray Romano was picked as favorite comedy actor and Debra Messing of Will and Grace as favorite comedy actress. The awards were voted by readers of TV Guide, thereby invalidating their importance.

 

 

THESE ARE THE JOKES, FOLKS,
PART II.


"Hey, how is everyone doing? Al-RIGHT! This guy comes up to me and says 'My name is John Wilkes Booth, and I don't like you.'  I said 'Hey, take your best shot.'  But seriously, people don't appreciate me. I freed the slaves. Now my maid tells me she won't do windows! But these kids today..."

 


FROM THE FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden

Everyone knows we don't have the full story from Roswell, but in the myriad of theories proposed by various students of the case, nobody has yet thought of following the money. Who makes a profit from the sales of souvenirs, t-shirts etc. to the visitors who flock to this site. The answer is obvious. Motel and restaurant owners, garages, souvenir store proprietors. Has anyone ever questioned these people, tested them, subjected them to the Hayden Bright Light Alien Detector (pat. pending)? 

Nobody to this date has suggested, as I am now doing, that the above named individuals be put under the same scrutiny we gave to the diversionary (and obviously fake) Alien Autopsy. The REAL aliens (motel owners, garage owners, do I really have to say it again?) want you to believe that they (the aliens) look like the Roswell pictures. In fact, aliens look just like us except for a tiny doorknob shaped growth concealed in the armpit hair, and birthmarks on their asses that resemble the crab nebula. These are sometimes covered with cosmetics. Send for our informative one-sheet The Souvenir Sellers of Roswell and Their Co-Conspirators, the Motel Owners, Garage Owners and Restaurant Owners of Roswell. Find out who they pay taxes to. Send ten dollars cash to:

 Fakeaddress, Box 111, Montpelier, VT. 
(If you are an alien and send for this, don't expect anything in return.  -- H.H.)

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

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