<%@ Language=JavaScript %> March 17, 2001 Untrue News


 [2006 Issues]  [2005 Issues]  [2004 Issues]  [2003 Issues]  [2002 Issues]   [2001 Issues]   [2000 Issues]   [This week's Untrue News]
 

March 17, 2001
McGuffin's Untrue News,
your least trusted source for news.

SPECIAL ST. PATRICK'S DAY ISSUE!
WEARIN' O' THE GREEN! 
ERIN GO BRAGH!

 

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue." 

Mar.17 2001

NEWS OF PRESIDENT CHENEY

George W. Bush appeared to send mixed signals about the U.S. economy. To reporters, he said he was concerned about the market turmoil but has "great faith in our economy." Later, in a speech, he declared: "Our economy is beginning to sputter. " As a result, all major stock exchanges fell sharply, driving prices to their lowest level in years. Asked if the drop was a direct result of his comments, Bush said "I don't know much about financiables, maybe my remarks were prematurious."

During his presidential campaign Mr. Bush said the economic boom was the product of entrepreneurship rather than policy decisions. This week he said that "good public policy" was the path to more economic growth. Asked about the seeming contradiction, Bush told Untrue News "Yes, it's a contradiction. But contradictions well up from the demon spirit within, a spirit so strong it can lash out against the forces of good, creating roaring hurricanes and fierce malestroms until subdued by unselfish acts of bravado, or the pure spirit of an innocent child." Bush then left to meet with his speechwriter, Dean Koontz.

Although Mr. Bush made a campaign promise to regulate levels of carbon dioxide emitted by power plants, he broke that promise this week. In explanation Bush said "That's nothing, I'm also gonna break the one about saving social security." Bush also said that the country faced a long-term "energy crisis," a comment he repeated four times. Following the speech, Bush told a reporter "I finally had to give in to the energy lobby, if they stopped sending me that case of J&B every week, I'd have to start paying for it myself."

 

Sign up today and win a complete Home Entertainment System!

HOPING FOR THE GOLD

Twins Jason and Mason Hannigan practice for their upcoming
Jr. Olympics event, synchronized floating.

 

EAST SIDE, WEST SIDE

Bolstered by a huge influx of Hispanic residents, New York City's population grew by 685,714 people over the last decade, surpassing 8 million people for the first time. Told of the statistic, a surprised Mayor Giuliani said "How the hell can Hispanics pay $3000 a month for a one-bedroom apartment?"

 
 

LOOK TWICE

"Hey, you're not Elvis." 
"No, and you're not Debbie Reynolds, so just shut up."

Register your domain name today for $21.95 - click here

FIELD AND STREAM

By Untrue News Field and Stream Reporter Roger Kilborn

         

Two years ago, Bill Tyler of Hurleyville, New York, was fishing in an Adirondack stream when he caught a fish that was too small. Tyler tagged the fish by wrapping a red rubber band around its tail. Fishing in the same spot last week, Tyler caught the very same fish, but without the red rubber band.

 

 

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

TIME WARNER'S WRIST SLAPPED

Time Warner Cable on Friday agreed to pay a $72,000 fine for dropping ABC affiliates from its systems in 11 US. cities last May. The FCC had accused the No. 2 cable company of violating its rules barring a company from dropping a regular channel during a ratings sweeps. Time Warner CEO Gerald Levin said "I didn't want the fine to hurt our shareholders, so I took the cash out of my wallet and handed it to the FCC. I hope this will settle the matter." Analysts said that if Levin had permitted Time Warner to pay the fine, it would have cost shareholders a millionth of a cent per share.

 

FROM THE FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

Do you still read newspapers and magazines? You do? Do you know that the ink used to print the vast majority of daily newspapers in the United States contains a chemical that seeps into your bloodstream through your skin and makes its way to your brain? 

Once in the brain tissue it weakens your will to resist alien commands, making you a perfect patsy when the invasion happens. Further, it conditions your brain to receive the subliminal messages broadcast by the aliens during major sporting events in the U.S.A. and U.K. 

Get your news from the Internet, I beg you, never pick up a newspaper again, not even to swat a dog. --H.H.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

Log in to Chat
Who's online in Fool Moon Chat?
Send a message to Fool Moon by e-mail

Talk back to McGuffin

 

This issue is from
March 17 2001

Click here for the latest issue

 

Log in to Chat
Who's online in Fool Moon Chat?
Send a message to Fool Moon by e-mail

Talk back to McGuffin

 

This issue is from
March 17 2001

 

Click here for the latest issue

 

 

Log in to Chat
Who's online in Fool Moon Chat?
Send a message to Fool Moon by e-mail

Talk back to McGuffin

 

This issue is from
March 17 2001

 

Click here for the latest issue

 

 

Log in to Chat
Who's online in Fool Moon Chat?
Send a message to Fool Moon by e-mail

Talk back to McGuffin

 

This issue is from
March 17 2001

Click here for the latest issue

Log in to Chat
Who's online in Fool Moon Chat?
Send a message to Fool Moon by e-mail

Talk back to Hayden

 

This issue is from
March 17 2001

Click here for the latest issue

Copyright 2000-2001 by Fool Moon, LLC.
All rights reserved.

Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News. No spam.

Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

OUR MISTAKE: In a recent issue, we said that eating watermelon caused cancer. This has not been proven. We regret any inconvenience.

[Current Issue] [2006 Untrue News Issues] [2005 Untrue News Issues] [2004 Untrue News Issues] [2003 Untrue News Issues] [2002 Untrue News Issues] [2001 Untrue News Issues] [2000 Untrue News Issues] [Table of Contents - Untrue News]  [Diebate]

The original content of Untrue News is Copyright 1997-2005 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. Photographs are used for satiric purposes only and may not be reproduced without specific permission of the original copyright holders. For text permissions, please write McGuffin@Untruenews.com

Link to McGuffin's The Untrue News!
Copy this graphic  : Copyright by Fool Moon LLC, 1997-2004 -- Untrue News  and link it to http://untruenews.com.