NEWS OF PRESIDENT CHENEY

George W. Bush appeared to send mixed signals about the U.S. economy. To reporters, he said he was concerned about the market turmoil but has "great faith in our economy." Later, in a speech, he declared: "Our economy is beginning to sputter. " As a result, all major stock exchanges fell sharply, driving prices to their lowest level in years. Asked if the drop was a direct result of his comments, Bush said "I don't know much about financiables, maybe my remarks were prematurious."

During his presidential campaign Mr. Bush said the economic boom was the product of entrepreneurship rather than policy decisions. This week he said that "good public policy" was the path to more economic growth. Asked about the seeming contradiction, Bush told Untrue News "Yes, it's a contradiction. But contradictions well up from the demon spirit within, a spirit so strong it can lash out against the forces of good, creating roaring hurricanes and fierce malestroms until subdued by unselfish acts of bravado, or the pure spirit of an innocent child." Bush then left to meet with his speechwriter, Dean Koontz.

Although Mr. Bush made a campaign promise to regulate levels of carbon dioxide emitted by power plants, he broke that promise this week. In explanation Bush said "That's nothing, I'm also gonna break the one about saving social security." Bush also said that the country faced a long-term "energy crisis," a comment he repeated four times. Following the speech, Bush told a reporter "I finally had to give in to the energy lobby, if they stopped sending me that case of J&B every week, I'd have to start paying for it myself."

HOPING FOR THE GOLD

Twins Jason and Mason Hannigan practice for their upcoming
Jr. Olympics event, synchronized floating.

EAST SIDE, WEST SIDE

Bolstered by a huge influx of Hispanic residents, New York City's population grew by 685,714 people over the last decade, surpassing 8 million people for the first time. Told of the statistic, a surprised Mayor Giuliani said "How the hell can Hispanics pay $3000 a month for a one-bedroom apartment?"

LOOK TWICE

"Hey, you're not Elvis." 
"No, and you're not Debbie Reynolds, so just shut up."

TIME WARNER'S WRIST SLAPPED

Time Warner Cable on Friday agreed to pay a $72,000 fine for dropping ABC affiliates from its systems in 11 US. cities last May. The FCC had accused the No. 2 cable company of violating its rules barring a company from dropping a regular channel during a ratings sweeps. Time Warner CEO Gerald Levin said "I didn't want the fine to hurt our shareholders, so I took the cash out of my wallet and handed it to the FCC. I hope this will settle the matter." Analysts said that if Levin had permitted Time Warner to pay the fine, it would have cost shareholders a millionth of a cent per share.

^{FROM THE FILES}
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

Do you still read newspapers and magazines? You do? Do you know that the ink used to print the vast majority of daily newspapers in the United States contains a chemical that seeps into your bloodstream through your skin and makes its way to your brain? 

Once in the brain tissue it weakens your will to resist alien commands, making you a perfect patsy when the invasion happens. Further, it conditions your brain to receive the subliminal messages broadcast by the aliens during major sporting events in the U.S.A. and U.K. 

Get your news from the Internet, I beg you, never pick up a newspaper again, not even to swat a dog. --H.H.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)