GET IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

Board calls illustrations in sex education textbook  "inaccurate". 

SAY HI TO NAPOLEAN FOR ME

Shirley McClaine will star as herself in a movie autobiography, according to her agent. The film, which goes into production in the spring of 2001, will be called "I Was Dead People."  In a related story, Ms. McClaine told Untrue News "Thanks to Dr. Max Gomberg, Beverly Hills' best plastic surgeon, I've been reincarnated twice in THIS life."

ONWARD AND UPWARD

Untrue News has received an advance look at the 5th volume in J.K. Rowling's fabulously successful Harry Potter series. The book, to be published next year, is tentatively titled "Harry Potter And The Magical Studio Sellout". The plot concerns Harry's journey to Hollywood where he battles evil producers and agents and risks losing his powers of enchantment when he gives up creative control over three films and a television series based on his life.

EAT HERE, GET GAS

"I love peanuts but they make me fart."

SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS

Celebrating her 105th birthday, Lydia Doheny points to two of the nursing home interns she'd like to do just one more time.

AND IF SHE WERE TWINS, SHE'D BE TWICE AS GOOD

Discussing her decision to appear topless in her upcoming film Swordfish, Halle Berry told the showbiz publication Daily Variety, "Maybe you don’t want to see me naked, but it is not about that. It’s about what I want and whether this role will challenge me." Asked if everything on earth was about her, Berry nodded modestly. Later Berry claimed her statement "Maybe you don't want to see me naked" was meant as humor. "Who wouldn't want to see me naked?" she laughed.

FINALLY, A FRIENDLY VIRUS

VIRUS ALERT:  Untrue News has been alerted to a new virus which can get into your hard drive and delete anything unfunny. The new virus has already destroyed the hard drives of the guy who plays Dame Edna Everidge, the person who keeps sending me those "How To Tell You're Married To A Polish Girl" jokes, and Dan Ackroyd.

TAKE THAT, MR. HASSLER

Local resident Jerry Travis of North Main Street uses a trash bag and road litter to demonstrate how, in his fantasy, he'd like to kill his boss, chop the body into little pieces and dispose of it along a highway. Travis repeats his self-narrated demonstration each weekday after work.

TAKE ONE FREE.

From our breathtaking collection of the World's Least Loved Recordings.

For years the original masters of these recordings have been gathering dust in a cheap warehouse near the Ohio-Pennsylvania border. We've dug them out and can offer newly remastered CDs of these long forgotten and seldom played albums. Now they can all be yours. Join today at our low club prices, we'll send you absolutely free the album of your choice, when you agree to purchase an album a month for the next 30 years. Signing up is easy, all we need is your name, address and credit card numbers.

Make your selection from the cd's listed below, or any others in our free catalog:

Hindemuth Symphony in E. Coli. Written in Salzburg, just before the composer became seriously ill. 
John Tesch conducts the Symphony Orchestra of Greenland.

Swans sing Rodgers & Hammerstein. Swans had to learn two new chords and do fewer repeats than usual for this album of show tunes.

The punk-fusion-grunge- alternative-rave-garage-metal- hip-hop-trance- doowop- disco-satanist-crossover band "Chapped Lips" self-titled debut album. 

Chapped Lips manages to fuse the worst elements of all the above-mentioned genres into one grotesque cacophony of meaningless noise. Great for teens or for drowning out the bulldozers next door!

Spoken Word: Yasmine Bleeth reads Dickens' "The Old Curiosity Shop". Tender, selfish interpretation of this lesser known wooly mammoth of a novel. (12 cd set)

Art Garfunkel: 
Alone at Last.  His solo album.

The Beast of Broadway. Trained animals squawk, bleat, bark, meow, and moo songs of the Great White Way. "I Don't Know How to Love Him" "Music of the Night" "Being Alive" "Soliloquy" from Carousel "Pinball Wizard" 22 selections plus six bonus tracks of alternate takes.

The Very Best of Don Ho.

...and hundreds more to choose from.

Take this music into your home. It'll grow on you like liver spots. You've got so much love to give, give it to the World's Least Loved Recordings. Everybody needs love.

World's Least Loved Recordings
Box 111, Moore, OK 73153