<%@ Language=JavaScript %> March 24, 2001 Untrue News


 [2006 Issues]  [2005 Issues]  [2004 Issues]  [2003 Issues]  [2002 Issues]   [2001 Issues]   [2000 Issues]   [This week's Untrue News]
 

March 24, 2001

This week: THE BREAST OF UNTRUE NEWS
Succulent items from past issues

 

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue." 

Mar. 24 2001

GET IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

Board calls illustrations in sex education textbook  "inaccurate". 

 

 

SAY HI TO NAPOLEAN FOR ME

Shirley McClaine will star as herself in a movie autobiography, according to her agent. The film, which goes into production in the spring of 2001, will be called "I Was Dead People."  In a related story, Ms. McClaine told Untrue News "Thanks to Dr. Max Gomberg, Beverly Hills' best plastic surgeon, I've been reincarnated twice in THIS life."

ONWARD AND UPWARD

Mothers graphicUntrue News has received an advance look at the 5th volume in J.K. Rowling's fabulously successful Harry Potter series. The book, to be published next year, is tentatively titled "Harry Potter And The Magical Studio Sellout". The plot concerns Harry's journey to Hollywood where he battles evil producers and agents and risks losing his powers of enchantment when he gives up creative control over three films and a television series based on his life.

 

 

EAT HERE, GET GAS


"I love peanuts but they make me fart."

SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS

Celebrating her 105th birthday, Lydia Doheny points to two of the nursing home interns she'd like to do just one more time.

 

AND IF SHE WERE TWINS, SHE'D BE TWICE AS GOOD

Halle Berry naked? Who knows. But it's certain that it would be a hot sexy photo!Discussing her decision to appear topless in her upcoming film Swordfish, Halle Berry told the showbiz publication Daily Variety, "Maybe you donít want to see me naked, but it is not about that. Itís about what I want and whether this role will challenge me." Asked if everything on earth was about her, Berry nodded modestly. Later Berry claimed her statement "Maybe you don't want to see me naked" was meant as humor. "Who wouldn't want to see me naked?" she laughed.

ANY PORT IN A STORM

Patrick Naughton 

Patrick J. Naughton, a former executive with an Internet company affiliated with Disney, pled guilty to federal charges that he crossed state lines to have sex with a 13-year old girl he met in an Internet chat room. Naughton flew from Seattle to Los Angeles to meet the girl, who turned out to be a male undercover FBI agent.  "Even so" said Naughton, "we had a pretty nice evening."

 

FINALLY, A FRIENDLY VIRUS

VIRUS ALERT:  Untrue News has been alerted to a new virus which can get into your hard drive and delete anything unfunny. The new virus has already destroyed the hard drives of the guy who plays Dame Edna Everidge, the person who keeps sending me those "How To Tell You're Married To A Polish Girl" jokes, and Dan Ackroyd.

 

TAKE THAT, MR. HASSLER

Local resident Jerry Travis of North Main Street uses a trash bag and road litter to demonstrate how, in his fantasy, he'd like to kill his boss, chop the body into little pieces and dispose of it along a highway. Travis repeats his self-narrated demonstration each weekday after work.

TAKE ONE FREE.

From our breathtaking collection of the World's Least Loved Recordings.

For years the original masters of these recordings have been gathering dust in a cheap warehouse near the Ohio-Pennsylvania border. We've dug them out and can offer newly remastered CDs of these long forgotten and seldom played albums. Now they can all be yours. Join today at our low club prices, we'll send you absolutely free the album of your choice, when you agree to purchase an album a month for the next 30 years. Signing up is easy, all we need is your name, address and credit card numbers.

Make your selection from the cd's listed below, or any others in our free catalog:

 

Hindemuth Symphony in E. Coli. Written in Salzburg, just before the composer became seriously ill. 
John Tesch
conducts the Symphony Orchestra of Greenland.

 

Swans sing Rodgers & Hammerstein. Swans had to learn two new chords and do fewer repeats than usual for this album of show tunes.

 

The punk-fusion-grunge- alternative-rave-garage-metal- hip-hop-trance- doowop- disco-satanist-crossover band "Chapped Lips" self-titled debut album. 

Chapped Lips manages to fuse the worst elements of all the above-mentioned genres into one grotesque cacophony of meaningless noise. Great for teens or for drowning out the bulldozers next door!

 

Jeannie Bowen Skenkie. Queen of Country Rest Rooms. Includes the hit "Still Alone" (Take My Kids and Take My House But Leave My Still Alone)

 

 

Spoken Word: Yasmine Bleeth reads Dickens' "The Old Curiosity Shop". Tender, selfish interpretation of this lesser known wooly mammoth of a novel. (12 cd set)

 

 

Art Garfunkel: 
Alone at Last.  His solo album.

 

 

The Beast of Broadway. Trained animals squawk, bleat, bark, meow, and moo songs of the Great White Way. "I Don't Know How to Love Him" "Music of the Night" "Being Alive" "Soliloquy" from Carousel "Pinball Wizard" 22 selections plus six bonus tracks of alternate takes.

The Very Best of Don Ho.

...and hundreds more to choose from.

Take this music into your home. It'll grow on you like liver spots. You've got so much love to give, give it to the World's Least Loved Recordings. Everybody needs love.

World's Least Loved Recordings
Box 111, Moore, OK 73153

 

Our Guarantee: You will never find any pictures of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE here at Untrue News. You will also never find any pictures of SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR NUDE. You are welcome to browse, but trust us, they aren't here.

 

 

Log in to Chat
Send a message to Fool Moon by e-mail

 

Talk back to McGuffin

 

 

This issue is from
March 24 2001

Click here for the latest issue

 

 

 

 

Log in to Chat
Send a message to Fool Moon by e-mail

 

Talk back to McGuffin

 

 

This issue is from
March 24 2001

Click here for the latest issue

 

 

 

 

Log in to Chat
Send a message to Fool Moon by e-mail

 

Talk back to McGuffin

 

 

This issue is from
March 24 2001

Click here for the latest issue

 

 

 

 

Log in to Chat
Send a message to Fool Moon by e-mail

 

Talk back to McGuffin

 

 

 

This issue is from
March 24 2001

Click here for the latest issue

 

 

 

 

Log in to Chat
Send a message to Fool Moon by e-mail

 

Talk back to McGuffin

 

 

This issue is from
March 24 2001

Click here for the latest issue

 

 

 

 

Log in to Chat
Send a message to Fool Moon by e-mail

 

Talk back to McGuffin

 

 

This issue is from
March 24 2001

Click here for the latest issue

 

 

 

Log in to Chat
Send a message to Fool Moon by e-mail

 

Talk back to McGuffin

 

 

This issue is from
March 24 2001

Click here for the latest issue

FROM THE FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

Hey! How come there's nothing by me published here this week? How come my name isn't even mentioned in this week's so-called "best of" issue? Are they sending me some sort of message? What do they think I know about them? What are they afraid of? Just ask yourselves that. Why is there nothing by me in this issue? Why? By the way, it's pretty easy to spot the enemy, they are the ones WHO DON'T PUBLISH ANYTHING BY ME!!! If you are receiving this message, ignore what I said about not being published.  Thanks.

 --H.H.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

 

Log in to Chat
Who's online in Fool Moon Chat?
Send a message to Fool Moon by e-mail

Talk back to Hayden

 

This issue is from
March 24 2001

Click here for the latest issue

© Copyright 2000-2001 by Fool Moon, LLC.
All rights reserved.
Untrue News is the official newsletter of Untrue News.

Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News. No spam.

Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

[Current Issue] [2006 Untrue News Issues] [2005 Untrue News Issues] [2004 Untrue News Issues] [2003 Untrue News Issues] [2002 Untrue News Issues] [2001 Untrue News Issues] [2000 Untrue News Issues] [Table of Contents - Untrue News]  [Diebate]

The original content of Untrue News is © Copyright 1997-2005 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. Photographs are used for satiric purposes only and may not be reproduced without specific permission of the original copyright holders. For text permissions, please write McGuffin@Untruenews.com

Link to McGuffin's The Untrue News!
Copy this graphic  : Copyright by Fool Moon LLC, 1997-2004 -- Untrue News  and link it to http://untruenews.com.