TEQUILA SUNRISE
 Mexico's
new President, Vicente Fox, has vowed to end torture as a means of
extracting confessions from suspects. President Fox assured the Commerce
department, which governs trade relations with Mexico, that torture is a
thing of the past.
"We also promise to end political corruption, the growing
and smuggling of marijuana and cocaine, the nightly influx of illegal
immigrants entering the USA, the border town brothels, and oh yes, we're
going to clean up our water too" giggled el Presidente. |
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THE BUSHMAN SPEAKS
 Macedonian
forces attacked Albanian rebel positions in the steep hills above the city
of Tetovo this week, causing George W. Bush to comment "I hope this
doesn't hurt the supply of those delicious Macedonia nuts."
MIRANDA WARNING
Isabel Miranda, the acting Treasurer of the state of New
Jersey, had previously been fired from her job as director of trusts and
estates for Citibank, after it was discovered that she had used her expense
account to pay for trips to California where she engaged in an extra marital
affair. Ms. Miranda admitted to acts of theft and adultery this week, saying
she now feels eminently qualified to hold political office in New Jersey.
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NEWS OF SCIENCE
from Dr. Mel E. Levine "the guy whose
initials are his name":
 I
went to a Yahoo chat room, and half the people there were over fifty. And those
were just the teens! Hey folks, next week I'll be appearing at the 8:00 AM
Saturday show in the Round The Clock Comedy Marathon Benefit at Doctor Funny's,
Route 1, Framingham MA. It's for a good cause, so come on out. Remember, it's 8
AM, not PM, so don't come at 8 PM or you'll see Chris Rock. I didn't check the
science news this week (too busy preparing for the benefit gig) but if you guys
have anything of interest, please email me, mel@untruenews.com. See you in
Framingham! --- M. E. L.
Devon middle school held its science fair last weekend. Here
sixth-grader Nicolette Watt studies the model of a hydrogen atom and seems to be
thinking "What possible good will this ever do me in life? What boy is ever gonna
come up to me and say 'hey Nikki, ever see a hydrogen atom?'" and I'll say 'sure'
and then he'll invite me to the dance? Yeah, that'll happen. Oh God, now somebody
took my picture. I will look like SUCH a geek How do I get OUT of here?"
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
Richard
Millicent Mile on the Academy Awards.
Well my dears, I've seen so many oscars I'm hard to
impress. But I must say Steve Martin did a fine job as master of
ceremonies. His professionalism made David Letterman look like David
Letterman. Still, the show is not beyond criticism. Dino De Laurentis
ruined a lovely moment by giving his speech in a comedy Italian accent.
Not funny, Mr. D. And forget about who won what, I don't
really see movies and could not care less about them, but the fascinating
part to me was that so many of the men wore four-in-hand ties rather than
bow ties. That is SO trendy, I adore it. That, and the fact that the show
was under four hours long (I was gone shortly after Bjork started singing,
but I taped it and ran through highlights this morning) makes it one of my
very favorite Oscar celebrations of all time. And isn't Joan Rivers super?
Ta for now. --RMM |
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OUR FILM AND MOVIE CRITIC AVON PROCTOR AT THE
HOLLYWOOD OSCAR PARTIES:
I have never been invited to a Hollywood Oscar party,
not even to watch the show at a friend's house. Dick Mile is in New York
and we phone each other, but that's the extent of it. MY Oscar party was a
can of Vienna sausages and bag of Cheetos. And by the way, if you hate the
taste of Miller Beer, after three or four cans you won't mind it at all.
Okay, since this is supposed to be about Oscar parties, here's a joke a
friend of mine overheard at one of the parties. A guy has had too much to
drink and he goes up to Elizabeth Taylor and says "Miss Taylor, I'd sure
love to squeeze your boobies. " Liz looks at him and says "You can squeeze
if you want to...but they're NOT MINE." Hahahaha. Well,
I thought it was pretty funny. --AP
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STANDING ROOM ONLY
Lydia Korek plays Mother Hussein and Gina Ryan is an
Iraqi bride in Van Buren High School production of an original student
musical, "Saddam Yankees." The show plays this Friday and Saturday
night at the school auditorium, 1/2 mile east of the Wendy's on Route
88.
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MRS. BROLIN WILL PRODUCE
 Barbra
Streisand is planning a weekly series about the music business for Viacom's
VH1 channel. Streisand will exec produce the series which will star hubby
James Brolin as a hard bitten record company president. Streisand said
"Jimmy will play a no nonsense, tough-as-nails record exec, basically an
emasculated version of me." | |
|
Talk back to McGuffin
This issue is from
March 31 2001
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Talk back to McGuffin
This issue is from
March 31 2001
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Talk back to McGuffin
This issue is from
March 31 2001
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Talk back to McGuffin
This issue is from
March 31 2001
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 FROM
THE
FILES
by Untrue News
paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**
 If
you have a computer microphone, how do you know that even when you turn it off,
it is not being used as a transmitter to broadcast your private conversations to
aliens? Oh yes, I can hear your laughter. You are willing to mock a statement
that seems, at face value, so unreasonable. But you have not yet answered my
question. How do you KNOW that your microphone is not being used
as a transmitter?
The answer is, unless you are a spy equipment
professional, a military officer stationed at Roswell, or have recently had your
room swept by a Hayden Alien Bug Detector ® you don't know. And if
you don't know whether or not your microphone is a transmitter, I suggest you
have even less of an idea to whom it might be transmitting.
You've been alerted.
--H.H.
(**NOTE:
Hyman
Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP)
and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
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Talk back to Hayden
Join the Majestic Alliance
Post Shadow Gov. agent sightings
This issue is from
March 31 2001
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