<%@ Language=JavaScript %> March 31, 2001 Untrue News


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Mar. 31 2001

TEQUILA SUNRISE

Mexico's new President, Vicente Fox, has vowed to end torture as a means of extracting confessions from suspects. President Fox assured the Commerce department, which governs trade relations with Mexico, that torture is a thing of the past. 

"We also promise to end political corruption, the growing and smuggling of marijuana and cocaine, the nightly  influx of illegal immigrants entering the USA, the border town brothels, and oh yes, we're going to clean up our water too" giggled el Presidente.

 

THE BUSHMAN SPEAKS

Macedonian forces attacked Albanian rebel positions in the steep hills above the city of Tetovo this week, causing  George W. Bush to comment "I hope this doesn't hurt the supply of those delicious Macedonia nuts."

 

MIRANDA WARNING

Isabel Miranda, the acting Treasurer of the state of New Jersey, had previously been fired from her job as director of trusts and estates for Citibank, after it was discovered that she had used her expense account to pay for trips to California where she engaged in an extra marital affair. Ms. Miranda admitted to acts of theft and adultery this week, saying she now feels eminently qualified to hold political office in New Jersey.

NEWS OF SCIENCE   from Dr. Mel E. Levine   "the guy whose initials are his name":  

I went to a Yahoo chat room, and half the people there were over fifty. And those were just the teens! Hey folks, next week I'll be appearing at the 8:00 AM Saturday show in the Round The Clock Comedy Marathon Benefit at Doctor Funny's, Route 1, Framingham MA. It's for a good cause, so come on out. Remember, it's 8 AM, not PM, so don't come at 8 PM or you'll see Chris Rock. I didn't check the science news this week (too busy preparing for the benefit gig) but if you guys have anything of interest, please email me, mel@untruenews.com. See you in Framingham!  --- M. E. L.

 

 

 Devon middle school held its science fair last weekend. Here sixth-grader Nicolette Watt studies the model of a hydrogen atom and seems to be thinking "What possible good will this ever do me in life? What boy is ever gonna come up to me and say 'hey Nikki, ever see a hydrogen atom?'" and I'll say 'sure' and then he'll invite me to the dance? Yeah, that'll happen. Oh God, now somebody took my picture. I will look like SUCH a geek  How do I get OUT of here?"

 

 

 

 

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

Richard Millicent Mile on the Academy Awards.

Well my dears, I've seen so many oscars I'm hard to impress. But I must say Steve Martin did a fine job as master of ceremonies. His professionalism made David Letterman look like David Letterman. Still, the show is not beyond criticism. Dino De Laurentis ruined a lovely moment by giving his speech in a comedy Italian accent. Not funny, Mr. D.  And forget about who won what, I don't really see movies and could not care less about them, but the fascinating part to me was that so many of the men wore four-in-hand ties rather than bow ties. That is SO trendy, I adore it. That, and the fact that the show was under four hours long (I was gone shortly after Bjork started singing, but I taped it and ran through highlights this morning) makes it one of my very favorite Oscar celebrations of all time. And isn't Joan Rivers super? Ta for now.  --RMM

OUR FILM AND MOVIE CRITIC AVON PROCTOR AT THE HOLLYWOOD OSCAR PARTIES:

I have never been invited to a Hollywood Oscar party, not even to watch the show at a friend's house. Dick Mile is in New York and we phone each other, but that's the extent of it. MY Oscar party was a can of Vienna sausages and bag of Cheetos.  And by the way, if you hate the taste of Miller Beer, after three or four cans you won't mind it at all.  Okay, since this is supposed to be about Oscar parties, here's a joke a friend of mine overheard at one of the parties. A guy has had too much to drink and he goes up to Elizabeth Taylor and says "Miss Taylor, I'd sure love to squeeze your boobies. " Liz looks at him and says "You can squeeze if you want to...but they're NOT MINE."  Hahahaha.  Well, I thought it was pretty funny.   --AP

STANDING ROOM ONLY

Lydia Korek plays Mother Hussein and Gina Ryan is an Iraqi bride in Van Buren High School production of an original student musical, "Saddam Yankees."  The show plays this Friday and Saturday night at the school auditorium,  1/2 mile east of the Wendy's on Route 88.

 

MRS. BROLIN WILL PRODUCE

Barbra Streisand is planning a weekly series about the music business for Viacom's VH1 channel. Streisand will exec produce the series which will star hubby James Brolin as a hard bitten record company president. Streisand said "Jimmy will play a no nonsense, tough-as-nails record exec, basically an emasculated version of me."

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FROM THE FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

If you have a computer microphone, how do you know that even when you turn it off, it is not being used as a transmitter to broadcast your private conversations to aliens? Oh yes, I can hear your laughter. You are willing to mock a statement that seems, at face value, so unreasonable. But you have not yet answered my question. How do you KNOW that your microphone is not being used as a transmitter? 

The answer is, unless you are a spy equipment professional, a military officer stationed at Roswell, or have recently had your room swept by a Hayden Alien Bug Detector   you don't know. And if you don't know whether or not your microphone is a transmitter, I suggest you have even less of an idea to whom it might be transmitting. 

You've been alerted. 

 --H.H.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

 

 

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