May 5, 2001

ROMANCING THE KLAN

Ku Klux Klan member Thomas E. Blanton Jr. was found guilty of murdering four young black girls,  by a mostly white jury in Birmingham, Alabama. Blanton denied that he was a Klan member, telling the jury that the eye holes the police found cut in his pillowcases were used "so my wife could see when I was havin' sex with her."

CLAM CHOUDRA

80,000 Afghans have fled their country and its ultra conservative Taliban rulers, to take refuge in Pakistan. Can you imagine how bad a country has to be before its citizens take refuge in Pakistan?

SLIPPERY DICK

President Dick Cheney, who ran the oil services company Halliburton, and George W. Bush, whose family is nothing if not oil rich, told reporters the administration would strive to increase the supply of fossil fuels, rather than limit their consumption. 

Calling conservation  "70's-era thinking", Cheney said it was necessary to find new domestic sources of oil, as America used more and more. Asked what would happen when the world ran out of fossil fuel, Cheney said "just imagine the prices we'll get for those last ten thousand barrels."

MS. MUFFETT

Arachnologist Lydia Bruckner says placing a tarantula on the forehead before sleeping will insure a good night's rest. "Make sure the spider is in a congenial mood and not angry with you before attempting this" cautioned Ms. Bruckner.

THE EYES OF KERRY ARE UPON YOU

  
Senator John Kerry admitted that while a lieutenant in Viet Nam, he killed civilians. However, Kerry said he only did it as training for the job he really wants, Governor of Texas.

PARTY TIME

The state of Oregon celebrates its Strawberry Festival this weekend. This is the first time in US history that a festival has been held honoring an addled, drug-addicted athlete.

STRIKE WHILE THE PRODUCERS ARE HOT

The Writers Guild of America and the Association of Motion Picture and Television Producers concluded negotiations to the satisfaction of all parties, averting a strike that could have crippled film and television production for next season. An Untrue News poll of 1,500 readers showed that 2% were pleased the strike ended, 3.4% were uncertain, and 94.6% were unaware that TV shows and movies were "written."

CRUISE SUES

Tom Cruise filed a one hundred million dollar lawsuit against Chad Slater, an actor in porn films, who claimed that he and Cruise had an ongoing homosexual relationship. A preliminary hearing got off on the wrong foot when the judge asked the plaintiff's attorney "You expect this court to believe that his name is CRUISE and he's NOT GAY? Please. And just look at the guy! If he's not Leavenworth candy, I don't know who is."

FOR GOD AND COUNTRY

"Hello God, it's me, Bailey. How ya doin'? See my flag? I'm American just like you. And we Americans gotta stick together. So take care of me, God, okay? Okay, thanks man.

^{FROM THE FILES}
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

How far will they go to get the goods on you? My sources report a new low even for the government. The waterproof "toilet mic" is hidden in the flush pipe of your toilet and broadcasts every word you say to a transmitter up to 12 miles away. The listening device is powerful enough to pick up sounds within a 1,000 foot radius of your bathroom, EVEN THROUGH WALLS AND CLOSED DOORS.

This technology is fairly new, so if you have not had a plumber or any strangers in your home for the past three months, you're still safe from it. 

But beware. Each time someone you don't know visits your home, (your children's friends, the person who says they are from a major news network and needs your opinion, the pizza delivery guy, the neighbor asking if you've seen her cat,  and so on) make sure that when they leave you call in a professional to sweep your home for bugs, or stick your hand as far into the toilet outflow pipe as possible and touch all the surfaces to see if you find a bump or irregularity that could be a microphone,  or use the Hayden Toilet-Mic Detector (TM) for worry-free living.

Do YOU want people listening in every time you go to the bathroom? I don't think so.  "An informed and aware public  is our best defense against them." said Alien hunter Richard Korbell. Tell everyone you know about the Toilet-Mic.

 --H.H.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden has never been arrested and as far as he knows his fingerprints are not on file anywhere.)

** Post Shadow Gov. agent sightings