Klux Klan member Thomas E. Blanton Jr. was found guilty of
murdering four young black girls, by a mostly white jury
in Birmingham, Alabama. Blanton denied that he was a Klan
member, telling the jury that the eye holes the police found cut
in his pillowcases were used "so my wife could see when I was
havin' sex with her."
80,000 Afghans have
fled their country and its ultra conservative Taliban rulers, to
take refuge in Pakistan. Can you imagine how bad a country has
to be before its citizens take refuge in Pakistan?
Cheney, who ran the oil services company Halliburton, and George
W. Bush, whose family is nothing if not oil rich, told reporters
the administration would strive to increase the supply of fossil
fuels, rather than limit their consumption.
conservation "70's-era thinking",
Cheney said it was necessary to find new domestic sources of oil,
as America used more and more. Asked what would happen when the
world ran out of fossil fuel, Cheney said "just imagine the
prices we'll get for those last ten thousand barrels."
Bruckner says placing a tarantula on the forehead before
sleeping will insure a good night's rest. "Make sure the spider
is in a congenial mood and not angry with you before attempting
this" cautioned Ms. Bruckner.
THE EYES OF KERRY ARE
Senator John Kerry admitted that while a lieutenant in Viet Nam,
he killed civilians. However, Kerry said he only did it as
training for the job he really wants, Governor of Texas.
state of Oregon celebrates its Strawberry Festival this weekend.
This is the first time in US history that a festival has been
held honoring an addled, drug-addicted athlete.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
News of Show Business
STRIKE WHILE THE
PRODUCERS ARE HOT
The Writers Guild of America and the Association of Motion
Picture and Television Producers concluded negotiations to the
satisfaction of all parties, averting a strike that could have
crippled film and television production for next season. An
Untrue News poll of 1,500 readers showed that 2% were pleased
the strike ended, 3.4% were uncertain, and 94.6% were unaware
that TV shows and movies were "written."
Cruise filed a one hundred million dollar lawsuit against Chad
Slater, an actor in porn films, who claimed that he and Cruise
had an ongoing homosexual relationship. A preliminary hearing
got off on the wrong foot when the judge asked the plaintiff's
attorney "You expect this court to believe that his name is
CRUISE and he's NOT GAY? Please. And just look at the
guy! If he's not Leavenworth candy, I don't know who is."
GOD AND COUNTRY
God, it's me, Bailey. How ya doin'? See my flag? I'm
American just like you. And we Americans gotta stick
together. So take care of me, God, okay? Okay, thanks
Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**
far will they go to get the goods on you? My sources report a new
low even for the government. The waterproof "toilet mic" is hidden
in the flush pipe of your toilet and broadcasts every word you say
to a transmitter up to 12 miles away. The listening device is
powerful enough to pick up sounds within a 1,000 foot radius of your
bathroom,EVEN THROUGH WALLS AND CLOSED DOORS.
is fairly new, so if you have not had a plumber or any strangers in
your home for the past three months, you're still safe from it.
Each time someone you don't know visits your home, (your children's
friends, the person who says they are from a major news network and
opinion, the pizza delivery guy, the neighbor asking if you've seen
her cat, and so on) make sure that when they leave you call in
a professional to sweep your home for bugs, or stick your hand as
far into the toilet outflow pipe as possible and touch all the
surfaces to see if you find a bump or irregularity that could be a
microphone, or use the Hayden Toilet-Mic Detector (TM) for
want people listening in every time you go to the bathroom? I don't
think so. "An informed and aware public is our best
defense against them." said Alien hunter Richard Korbell. Tell
everyone you know about the Toilet-Mic.
Hyman Hayden has never been arrested and as far as he knows his
fingerprints are not on file anywhere.)
McGuffin's The Untrue
News is Copyright 2004 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
ATTENTION SHIELDS AND YARNELL: There is email waiting for you in your
Untrue News mailbox which you have not picked up since 1986. Please pick up your
mail within the next sixty (60) days or we will have no choice but to return the
emails to their original senders. Thanks.