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May 19, 2001

SPECIAL ISSUE:
NO PHOTOGRAPHS OF JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE.

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue." 

May 19,  2001

YOU ARE INVITED! ATTEND OUR TENTH ANNIVERSARY PARTY!

All readers of Untrue News are invited to attend this FREE party, celebrating our tenth year of publication.

  • Time: 8:00 PM - ???
    Date: September 4, 2007
    Place: Robert Downey Jr.'s home
    Hope to see you all there!

SUPREME COURT SCREWS THE SICK

The Supreme Court held last week that there was no justification under the law to permit the medicinal use of marijuana. The ruling was 8-0, with Justice Stephen Breyer abstaining because he was "too stoned to think intelligently about the issues."  

Here is a partial report of the opinion issued by Justice Clarence Thomas: "In the opinion of this court, the listing by congress of cannabis under Schedule I of the controlled substances act means that marijuana has no accepted medical use in the United States. Who put this pubic hair on my Coke can? Therefore, federal law does not permit this court any exceptions to the prohibition of marijuana. Hello Anita? So what are you wearing?"

 

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"You idiots! I went back to the restaurant to get my GUM." -- Robert Blake  

 

 

TRIPLE FEATURE

 


Blake has kissed a cockatoo in his day.

OOH, ANOTHER CELEBRITY KILLING

In Massachusetts, Governor Jane Swift said she'd take 8 weeks maternity leave to deliver her twin babies. In light of the recent murder of Bonnie Lee Bakely in Los Angeles, the governor has withdrawn her paternity suit against Robert Blake.  Meanwhile, Los Angeles police, wary of the mistakes in the OJ Simpson trial and desperate to cover all bases, are questioning John and Patsy Ramsey.

Blake drew suspicion on himself when he telephoned police and said "my wife's been murdered, and I'm sparing no expense to find the real killers."

In a related story, Blake told police that while his wife was being murdered, he was chipping golf shots behind Vitello's Restaurant.    

 

EDITORIAL

Mark McGuffin on our President's Energy and Education Policies.   President Bush is traveling the country in support of his energy program. Question: How much fuel does Air Force One expend taking the President around to various cities yapping about conservation? What America doesn't realize is that to Bush, conservation means conserving his family's oil money. If Mr. Bush thinks education is so important, why doesn't someone educate him to the fact that the word "nuclear" is NOT pronounced "nuke-you-lar?" Possible reasons: 1. They've told him, but he just doesn't get it. 2. Nobody on his staff knows he's saying it wrong. Untrue News believes both of the above to be true.

--MM

 

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE MONEY

The Fab Four + Norman In an effort to improve its demographic base, CBS announced Wednesday that it is scrapping Diagnosis Murder, starring 75-year-old Dick Van Dyke, and Walker, Texas Ranger, starring 61-year-old Chuck Norris. Dropping each of the 8-year-old shows will result in making CBS's fall schedule "a lot younger, a lot more affluent," CBS chief Les ("I cringe when I look at myself") Moonves said. According to Moonves, "Young singles have a lot more money, and are a lot dumber than old people, so it's really easy to sell them the tawdry crap we're gonna hawk this season."  

 

APARTMENTS FOR RENT

Ads for NBC's Friends, which sold last year for $500,000 apiece, are now going for just $275,000. On the other hand, CBS is now asking $400,000 for each Survivor ad airing on the same night. Desperate to turn things around, NBC announced that next season, due to as yet unwritten plot complications, the Friends characters will move to the outback and eat snakes and rice. Each week, the group will vote on which one to kill. Our prediction of the winner, Jennifer Anniston, the least unattractive of the six.  

 

 

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FROM THE FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

Can you find me? No. Why? Because I have taken great pains to become anonymous, something nearly impossible to do in the United States of America. I have no social security card. I have no driver's license. I have no cell phone, and no regular telephone, listed or unlisted. I do not own property. I do not subscribe to any magazines, nor do I have any charge accounts or bank accounts. I pay cash for everything. I have no insurance. I have no email address.

So will someone please tell me how the hell Publisher's Clearing House keeps sending me these sweepstakes letters? Thanks.

 --H.H.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

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