SPECIAL
MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND ISSUE.
This is one issue you'll want to print out and
save for your children and grandchildren. It will give them something to throw
out after your demise.
"If we say it's untrue,
there's no way you can sue."
May 26, 2001
YOU'RE SOAKING IN IT
Senator
James M. Jeffords has left the Republican party to become an
Independent. Following Jeffords' move, Republicans conceded that they
had lost control of the Senate.
In
a related story, Senator Strom Thurmond conceded that he had lost
control of his bladder.
FAITH 'N' BEGORRAH
The troubled Irish
Airline Aer Lingus is in financial distress, and rumors abound that
the company is hoping to be purchased by a more solvent
business. The City University of New York denied that it is
interested in buying the beleaguered airline.
A University
spokesman told Untrue News "Frankly, we don't think a name
like CUNY-Lingus would do either of us any good."
LIVING DOLLS
"They
look so adorable, we often think they're real" said Raggedy Ann.
GUILT BY ASSOCIATION
Executives of seven
major tobacco companies stood up today before a Congressional
committee and swore under oath that Robert Blake didn't kill his wife.
ART FOR ART'S SAKE
The
Ufizzi art gallery in Florence, Italy, is being criticized for
attempting to restore a fragile painting by Leonardo DaVinci. Gallery
curators, however, claim that previous restorations revealed hitherto
unknown details about Leonardo's work, such as the fact that in
renaissance times, number 42 was burnt sienna, and number 64 was
dark umber.
LITERARY LION
The CIA is in
possession of an Iraqi novel it believes may have been written by Saddam
Hussein. The novel "Zabibah and the King" was published
anonymously, but U.S. intelligence analysts say the book gives many
clues which point to Saddam's
authorship, the main one being that words like "you",
"the" and "cat" are spelled wrong, while
words like "power" "torture" "sheep" and
"sex" are always spelled correctly.
WE ARE THE WORLD
Here is a picture of eight children.
(Hey, sometimes we get tired of being funny all the time).
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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS OF
SHOW BUSINESS
HOLY MATRIMONY!
According to
Entertainment Weekly Magazine, Suzanne Pleshette(64) of the Bob Newhart
Show married actor Tom Poston (79) last week. The ceremony was
held at the First Church of Any Port In A Storm, in Oxnard.
EDITORIAL BY
UNTRUE NEWS EDITOR IN CHIEF MARK McGUFFIN.
Most critics have
decided that "Pearl Harbor" is a bigger bomb than the real
thing. Untrue News movie and film critic Avon Proctor says "This
film accomplishes what many said could never be done. It manages to
make World War II boring. The war lasted 4 years, the movie seems
twice that long."
We're not sure if
Proctor really disliked the film, or is just pissed at not being
invited to the huge Hawaiian party held to celebrate the film's
opening. The party, paid for by the U.S. Navy (read taxpayers) cost
about as much as the movie. Well dressed celebrities and important
media critics were flown first class to Pearl, where they sipped
champagne, nibbled caviar hors d'ouvres, and spoke of their upcoming
projects, all to honor the heroes who fell in the sneak attack.
"Pearl
Harbor" producer Jerry Bruckheimer told Untrue News "if
those dead boys were here today, I'd gladly give them free tickets. It
would be the least I could do."
FROM
THEFILES by Untrue News paranoid editor
Hyman Hayden**
We
know that the Ford Motor Company is recalling millions of Firestone tires
which were put on their Ford Explorer SUVs last year. The Company
claims the tires are unsafe, but in fact the problem is not one of safety.
What nobody is telling you about this recall is that the Firestone tire
treads contain a pattern which, when viewed from the air, spell out codes
which contain directions to US missile silos and secret government
laboratories where chemical warfare weapons are created, tested and stored.
All an agent need do is drive through some mud, or an oil slick, and the
tires will print out the pattern on a dry roadway. Observers in black
helicopters overhead can see and translate the information into usable
data.
Firestone
itself may actually be unaware of the coded patterns embedded in the tire
treads, but we think they knew all about it. One clue is the
statement made by Firestone CEO John Lampe on May 22, when he told
reporters "Our tires are safe." It is a well known fact in
the intelligence community that "Our tires are safe" is code for
"See the hidden patterns in our treads, they lead to US missile
silos and secret government labs." (See US Army Intelligence Service
Report 99-A8-216413-Clas COSMIC. The report details the tread patterns and
how to interpret them. The government will tell you no such report exists.
We know better.)
Perhaps
you have decided not to purchase Firestone tires for safety reasons. Here is
an even better reason. If you do buy them, you may be involuntarily
participating in the greatest espionage conspiracy against America there has
ever been. We beg you--buy Michelin tires. They have encoded patterns too,
but they're in French and harder to understand.
--H.H.
(**NOTE:
Hyman
Haydenis a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP)
and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
Senator
James M. Jeffords has left the Republican party to become an
Independent. Following Jeffords' move, Republicans conceded that they
had lost control of the Senate.
In
a related story, Senator Strom Thurmond conceded that he had lost
control of his bladder.
The
Ufizzi art gallery in Florence, Italy, is being criticized for
attempting to restore a fragile painting by Leonardo DaVinci. Gallery
curators, however, claim that previous restorations revealed hitherto
unknown details about Leonardo's work, such as the fact that in
renaissance times, number 42 was burnt sienna, and number 64 was
dark umber.
