<%@ Language=JavaScript %> May 26, 2001 Untrue News


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May 26, 2001

SPECIAL MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND ISSUE.
This is one issue you'll want to print out and save for your children and grandchildren. It will give them something to throw out after your demise.

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue." 

May 26,  2001

YOU'RE SOAKING IN IT

Senator James JeffordsSenator James M. Jeffords has left the Republican party to become an Independent. Following Jeffords' move, Republicans conceded that they had lost control of the Senate.

In a related story,  Senator Strom Thurmond conceded that he had lost control of his bladder.

 

  FAITH 'N' BEGORRAH

The troubled Irish Airline Aer Lingus is in financial distress, and rumors abound that the company is hoping to be purchased by a more solvent  business. The City University of New York denied that it is interested in buying the beleaguered airline.

A University spokesman  told Untrue News "Frankly, we don't think a name like CUNY-Lingus would do either of us any good."

 

LIVING DOLLS

"They look so adorable, we often think they're real" said Raggedy Ann.

 

  GUILT BY ASSOCIATION

Executives of seven major tobacco companies stood up today before a Congressional committee and swore under oath that Robert Blake didn't kill his wife.

 

ART FOR ART'S SAKE

The Ufizzi art gallery in Florence, Italy, is being criticized for attempting to restore a fragile painting by Leonardo DaVinci. Gallery curators, however, claim that previous restorations revealed hitherto unknown details  about Leonardo's work, such as the fact that in renaissance times,  number 42 was burnt sienna, and number 64 was dark umber.

  LITERARY LIONPortrait of Saddam Hussein

The CIA is in possession of an Iraqi novel it believes may have been written by Saddam Hussein. The novel "Zabibah and the King" was published anonymously, but U.S. intelligence analysts say the book gives many clues which  point to Saddam's authorship, the main one being that words like "you", "the"  and "cat" are spelled wrong, while words like "power" "torture" "sheep" and "sex" are  always spelled correctly.


WE ARE THE WORLD


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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

HOLY MATRIMONY!

According to Entertainment Weekly Magazine, Suzanne Pleshette(64) of the Bob Newhart Show married actor Tom Poston (79)  last week. The ceremony was held at the First Church of Any Port In A Storm, in Oxnard.

 

 

EDITORIAL BY UNTRUE NEWS EDITOR IN CHIEF MARK McGUFFIN.

Most critics have decided that "Pearl Harbor" is a bigger bomb than the real thing. Untrue News movie and film critic Avon Proctor says "This film accomplishes what many said could never be done. It manages to make World War II boring. The war lasted 4 years, the movie seems twice that long." 

We're not sure if Proctor really disliked the film, or is just pissed at not being invited to the huge Hawaiian party held to celebrate the film's opening. The party, paid for by the U.S. Navy (read taxpayers) cost about as much as the movie. Well dressed celebrities and important media critics were flown first class to Pearl, where they sipped champagne, nibbled caviar hors d'ouvres, and spoke of their upcoming projects, all to honor the heroes who fell in the sneak attack. 

"Pearl Harbor" producer Jerry Bruckheimer told Untrue News "if those dead boys were here today, I'd gladly give them free tickets. It would be the least I could do."

 

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FROM THEFILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

We know that the Ford Motor Company is recalling millions of Firestone tires which were put on their Ford Explorer SUVs  last year. The Company claims the tires are unsafe, but in fact the problem is not one of safety. What nobody is telling you about this recall is that the Firestone tire treads contain a pattern which, when viewed from the air, spell out codes which contain directions to US missile silos and secret government laboratories where chemical warfare weapons are created, tested and stored. All an agent need do is drive through some mud, or an oil slick, and the tires will print out the pattern on a dry roadway. Observers in black helicopters overhead can see and  translate the information into usable data.

Firestone itself may actually be unaware of the coded patterns embedded in the tire treads, but we think they knew all about it.  One clue  is the statement made by Firestone CEO John Lampe  on May 22, when he told reporters "Our tires are safe."  It is a well known fact in the intelligence community that "Our tires are safe" is code for "See the  hidden patterns in our treads, they lead to US missile silos and secret government labs." (See US Army Intelligence Service Report 99-A8-216413-Clas COSMIC. The report details the tread patterns and how to interpret them. The government will tell you no such report exists. We know better.)

Perhaps you have decided not to purchase Firestone tires for safety reasons. Here is an even better reason. If you do buy them, you may be involuntarily participating in the greatest espionage conspiracy against America there has ever been. We beg you--buy Michelin tires. They have encoded patterns too, but they're in French and harder to understand.

 --H.H.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

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We bought a bottle of that Mike's Hard Lemonade, but on opening the bottle we found the lemonade to be liquid and easy to pour. Another consumer fraud? You be the judge.

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