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Nov. 19, 2001

OUR PATRIOTIC SINGERS

"Whoaaah...sayyy does that star spangled ba-a-a-a-a-ner ye-e-e-t wa--hay-hay-hayve, oh mama, o'er the la-a-a-nd of the free-wheeeeeee, and the home of the-uh-uh-uh buh-ray-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ayve-ah!"

 

 

THANKS FOR FLYING AMERICAN

"Want fries with that?"

LOVELIER THE SECOND TIME AROUND

A second Anthrax letter has been discovered, this time in held mail meant for Senator Patrick J. Leahy (D-Vt). Since both Tom Daschle and Pat Leahy are Democrats, the FBI is concentrating its investigation on people who may dislike the Democratic party. So far there are 242 million suspects.

 

 

TALIBAN PICK UP THEIR SKIRTS AND FLEE

The Taliban lost the city of Kandahar and continued their flight from the invasion of Northern Alliance soldiers backed by US Special Forces. A retreating Taliban soldier, Mustafa el-Shareez, told Untrue News "when the women began removing their veils and we saw their faces, we realized what a good idea the veils had been."

Meanwhile, a Taliban spokesman speaking on the Al Jazeera network, told Untrue News the Taliban tactics are having their effect. "By making the Americans come after us," said Amwar Nabouli, "we are showing the world how ruthless and relentless Americans are as they angrily and violently pursue innocent Taliban terrorists. When the last Taliban has been shot or bombed or blown up by a land mine, everyone will know the truth about America. Then we'll see whose side Allah is on."

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APPLE BLOSSOM TIME IN ORANGE, NEW JERSEY

James E. McGreevey, a Democrat, was elected Governor of New Jersey, ending ten years of Republican rule. According to the New York Times, McGreevey received the support of women, blacks, Democrats, poor and middle-class voters, and independents. This means that with McGreevey in power, only 95% of the state is now Mafia controlled.

 

 

ANOTHER SIMPSON BITES THE DUST

O.J. Simpson's mother, Eunice Simpson, died of natural causes at her home in San Francisco. O.J. told Untrue News "First my wife, now my mother, what did I ever do to deserve...oh, right, right."

 

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

WHITE CHRISTMAS

Robert Downey Jr. says the terrorist attacks have made his life a nightmare. "I no longer feel safe randomly snorting any white powder that comes in through the mail. What kind of country are we living in?" said the actor.

 

 

WITCHY WOMAN.

An interview with Daniel Radcliffe, the young star of "Harry Potter", pushed the ratings of "Late Night" with David Letterman ahead of "The Tonight Show" for the first time in 16 months. A surprised Letterman told our TV and television reporter Richard Millicent Mile "I'm delighted, and I'm going to be dealing more and more with the occult. Before now, the only witch associated with my program was Merrill Marko."

 

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Joseph Manuella, who was a stand-in for Robert De Niro in two movies, was arrested in upstate New York on charges of impersonating De Niro off the set as well. According to the New York Post, Manuella had a credit card and bogus checks in De Niro's name. The scheme came to light when Manuella took a stage role in a local production of "Barefoot In the Park". "He played comedy quite well, and actually got some laughs" said Detective Art Morris, "that's how we knew he wasn't De Niro."

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God Bless America.

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