"If we say it's
untrue, there's no way you can sue."
OUR PATRIOTIC SINGERS
"Whoaaah...sayyy does that star spangled ba-a-a-a-a-ner ye-e-e-t
wa--hay-hay-hayve, oh mama, o'er the la-a-a-nd of the free-wheeeeeee,
and the home of the-uh-uh-uh buh-ray-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ayve-ah!"
THANKS FOR FLYING AMERICAN
"Want fries with that?"
LOVELIER THE SECOND TIME AROUND
A second Anthrax letter has been discovered, this time in held
mail meant for Senator Patrick J. Leahy (D-Vt). Since both Tom
Daschle and Pat Leahy are Democrats, the FBI is concentrating its
investigation on people who may dislike the Democratic party. So far
there are 242 million suspects.
TALIBAN PICK UP THEIR SKIRTS AND FLEE
Taliban lost the city of Kandahar and continued their flight from the
invasion of Northern Alliance soldiers backed by US Special Forces. A
retreating Taliban soldier, Mustafa el-Shareez, told Untrue News "when
women began removing their veils and we saw their faces, we realized
what a good idea the veils had been."
a Taliban spokesman speaking on the Al Jazeera network, told Untrue
News the Taliban tactics are having their effect. "By making the
Americans come after us," said Amwar Nabouli, "we are showing the
world how ruthless and relentless Americans are as they angrily and
violently pursue innocent Taliban terrorists. When the last Taliban
has been shot or bombed or blown up by a land mine, everyone will know
the truth about America. Then we'll see whose side Allah is on."
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
APPLE BLOSSOM TIME IN ORANGE, NEW JERSEY
E. McGreevey, a Democrat, was elected Governor of New Jersey, ending
ten years of Republican rule. According to the New York Times,
McGreevey received the support of women, blacks, Democrats, poor and
middle-class voters, and independents. This means that with McGreevey
in power, only 95% of the state is now Mafia controlled.
ANOTHER SIMPSON BITES THE DUST
Simpson's mother, Eunice Simpson, died of natural causes at her home
in San Francisco. O.J. told Untrue News "First my wife, now my mother,
what did I ever do to deserve...oh, right, right."
NEWS OF SHOW
Robert Downey Jr. says the terrorist attacks have made his life a
nightmare. "I no longer feel safe randomly snorting any white powder
that comes in through the mail. What kind of country are we living
in?" said the actor.
An interview with Daniel Radcliffe, the young star of "Harry
Potter", pushed the ratings of "Late Night" with David Letterman ahead
of "The Tonight Show" for the first time in 16 months. A surprised
Letterman told our TV and television reporter Richard Millicent Mile
"I'm delighted, and I'm going to be dealing more and more with the
occult. Before now, the only witch associated with my program was
Joseph Manuella, who was a
stand-in for Robert De Niro in two movies, was arrested in upstate New
York on charges of impersonating De Niro off the set as well. According
to the New York Post, Manuella had a credit card and bogus checks in De
Niro's name. The scheme came to light when Manuella took a stage role in
a local production of "Barefoot In the Park". "He played comedy quite
well, and actually got some laughs" said Detective Art Morris, "that's
how we knew he wasn't De Niro."