SICK

Osama Bin Laden will be entering a Kabul hospital to have several large hemorrhoids removed from his Taliban.

Palestinian leader Yasir Arafat asked his troops to hold fire, even in self-defense, and told American leaders he wanted to join their anti-terrorist efforts. Said Arafat "I am hopeful that soon we will eliminate Osama Bin Laden and the terrorist threat, so that we Palestinians can get back to our main job--killing Jews."

A weakening economy and the cost of the American anti-terrorist campaign is expected to turn the US budget surplus into a deficit in the coming months. Our Untrue News sources in Washington say that George W. Bush, if asked about the tax refund checks sent to millions of Americans, will say "Stop payment!"

Asked if the social security trust fund would have to be raided as a solution to the pending deficit, President Bush said "Not if we draft all Americans over 65."

Engineer Bob Dolce sets up a Microsoft supercomputer for use in government and industrial applications. Dolce said "This revolutionary supercomputer is so advanced, it only crashes six times a day."

From the Untrue News show biz historical archives:

Marilyn Monroe to Joe DiMaggio: "Get out of my face!"

Our TV and television critic Richard Millicent Mile on "Inside Schwartz"

Well my dears,

One of the first new sitcoms of the fall television season has hit the airwaves with all the impact of a piece of string hitting a brick wall. "Inside Schwartz", a so-called comedy featuring an emotionally retarded would-be sports reporter as the main character, offers dialogue where the insults fly thin and slow, and a plot lamer than Tiny Tim after running the Boston marathon. I couldn't bear to watch the entire program, so I tuned out after the first act, but believe me, you don't want to see this one unless the camera really goes Inside Schwartz. Maybe not even then. Ta for now. --RMM