"If we say it's untrue, there's no way
you can sue."
October 8, 2001
An Ontario woman says she saw the face of her
husband in the smoke from the burning World Trade Center. While many claim
to have seen the face of Satan in the famous photo, Mrs. Arlette Sullivan
of London, Ontario knows better.
my cracker, woman-hating spouse for sure" said Mrs. Sullivan on viewing the
photo in her local newspaper. "That deadbeat owes me about six years of
child support, I felt vindicated seeing his picture in the paper like that.
It just goes to show you that even out of a tragedy like this, some good
In the past, Mrs. Sullivan has informed
that she saw the face of her husband in the reflections made by the sun on
the window of a nearby office building, and on a taco.
THE INTERNET FOR DUMMIES
Dorianne Hankin, who holds the Guinness world
record for being kept in 10th grade (27 years), tells her middle school
"I just don't get the hang of this
THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL
The winner of our most recent contest is
Becky Poveromo of Pittsfield, Mass. Ms. Poveromo documented the phrase "we
can't just kill the mosquitoes, we have to drain the swamp" from 1,412
separate television, print and internet sources in the last seven days.
Congratulations, Ms. Poveromo.
BUSINESS AS USUAL
Internet pornographers say their business is
returning after a steep dropoff following the Sept. 11 attacks on the World
Trade Center. Vincent "little guy" Scalzone, owner of several pornographic
web sites told Untrue News, "After the first word of the attack, people
were too busy watching tv and getting internet news reports to bother with
our sites. The week of the tragedy, our profits dropped by seven million
dollars. If it weren't for the teenagers entering our site illegally, we'd
have done no business at all. Luckily, people don't dwell on tragedy
forever, and I'm happy to say we're back to about ninety percent now."
said all of his sites "The-Sexy-Barnyard.com" "HighSchool-Hookers-And-Their-Horny-Teachers.com"
"Pornoramacopia.net" "Yes-Fat-Chicks.net" and "Leather-Lovin-Lesbos-With-StrapOns.com"
are all showing strong signs of recovery. "God Bless America" he said.
WORDS OF WISDOM
Remember, if they beat you to a bloody pulp
and leave you lying helpless in the street with your wallet gone and blood
leaking from your ears, then they have already won.
ONE FOR THE BOOKS
what is considered to be a first in the food service business, a deli
counter clerk in a Wilmington, Delaware supermarket gave a customer
slightly less than the half pound of sliced American cheese he requested.
Rhoda Kringle of Wilmington, told reporters
that on the day of the incident she had just broken up with her boyfriend,
her car was leaking coolant, and her father was in the hospital suffering
from what doctors suspected was testicular cancer. As a result "My mind
just wasn't on what I was doing" she said, and I gave him .49 by accident I
knew I should of put another slice or two on there, but I didn't."
Kringle, who was immediately fired by her store manager, told Untrue News
"I know when they order half a pound you're supposed to give them .6 or
even .7 and I always did, but, I don't know, I can't explain it, it was
crazy. I guess I deserve to be fired."
The story has a happy ending though. Ms.
Kringle found a new job and boyfriend, her father's cancer is in remission,
and the Guinness Book of World Records will publish her accomplishment in
its newest edition.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
Arthur P. Watkins stars as Rev. Jesse Jackson in
"Beltway" described by its producers as "America's first S&M musical comedy/
political satire." "Beltway" will play 355 previews in New York before its
official opening for the critics.
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