<%@ Language=JavaScript %> October 8, 2001


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WANTED: Women who look like Yasir Arafat, for a special government mission. Photo and contact to:

 http://womenwholooklikeyasir.CIA.gov

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

October 8, 2001

MOST WANTED

An Ontario woman says she saw the face of her husband in the smoke from the burning World Trade Center. While many claim to have seen the face of Satan in the famous photo, Mrs. Arlette Sullivan of London, Ontario knows better.

"That's my cracker, woman-hating spouse for sure" said Mrs. Sullivan on viewing the photo in her local newspaper. "That deadbeat owes me about six years of child support, I felt vindicated seeing his picture in the paper like that. It just goes to show you that even out of a tragedy like this, some good can come."

In the past, Mrs. Sullivan has informed Ontario police that she saw the face of her husband in the reflections made by the sun on the window of a nearby office building, and on a taco.

 

  THE INTERNET FOR DUMMIES

Dorianne Hankin, who holds the Guinness world record for being kept in 10th grade (27 years), tells her middle school classmates,

"I just don't get the hang of this computer stuff."

 

THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL

The winner of our most recent contest is Becky Poveromo of Pittsfield, Mass. Ms. Poveromo documented the phrase "we can't just kill the mosquitoes, we have to drain the swamp" from 1,412 separate television, print and internet sources in the last seven days. Congratulations, Ms. Poveromo.

BUSINESS AS USUAL

Internet pornographers say their business is returning after a steep dropoff following the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center. Vincent "little guy" Scalzone, owner of several pornographic web sites told Untrue News, "After the first word of the attack, people were too busy watching tv and getting internet news reports to bother with our sites. The week of the tragedy, our profits dropped by seven million dollars. If it weren't for the teenagers entering our site illegally, we'd have done no business at all. Luckily, people don't dwell on tragedy forever, and I'm happy to say we're back to about ninety percent now."

Scalzone said all of his sites "The-Sexy-Barnyard.com" "HighSchool-Hookers-And-Their-Horny-Teachers.com" "Pornoramacopia.net" "Yes-Fat-Chicks.net" and "Leather-Lovin-Lesbos-With-StrapOns.com" are all showing strong signs of recovery. "God Bless America" he said.

WORDS OF WISDOM

Remember, if they beat you to a bloody pulp and leave you lying helpless in the street with your wallet gone and blood leaking from your ears, then they have already won.

 

  ONE FOR THE BOOKS

In what is considered to be a first in the food service business, a deli counter clerk in a Wilmington, Delaware supermarket gave a customer slightly less than the half pound of sliced American cheese he requested.

Rhoda Kringle of Wilmington, told reporters that on the day of the incident she had just broken up with her boyfriend, her car was leaking coolant, and her father was in the hospital suffering from what doctors suspected was testicular cancer. As a result "My mind just wasn't on what I was doing" she said, and I gave him .49 by accident I knew I should of put another slice or two on there, but I didn't."

Ms. Kringle, who was immediately fired by her store manager, told Untrue News "I know when they order half a pound you're supposed to give them .6 or even .7 and I always did, but, I don't know, I can't explain it, it was crazy. I guess I deserve to be fired."

The story has a happy ending though. Ms. Kringle found a new job and boyfriend, her father's cancer is in remission, and the Guinness Book of World Records will publish her accomplishment in its newest edition.

 

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

CORPORAL MUSICAL

Arthur P. Watkins stars as Rev. Jesse Jackson in "Beltway" described by its producers as "America's first S&M musical comedy/ political satire." "Beltway" will play 355 previews in New York before its official opening for the critics.

 

 

 

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God Bless America.

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