"If we say it's untrue, there's no way
you can sue."
October 8, 2001
MOST WANTED
An Ontario woman says she saw the face of her
husband in the smoke from the burning World Trade Center. While many claim
to have seen the face of Satan in the famous photo, Mrs. Arlette Sullivan
of London, Ontario knows better.
"That's
my cracker, woman-hating spouse for sure" said Mrs. Sullivan on viewing the
photo in her local newspaper. "That deadbeat owes me about six years of
child support, I felt vindicated seeing his picture in the paper like that.
It just goes to show you that even out of a tragedy like this, some good
can come."
In the past, Mrs. Sullivan has informed
Ontario
police
that she saw the face of her husband in the reflections made by the sun on
the window of a nearby office building, and on a taco.
THE INTERNET FOR DUMMIES
Dorianne Hankin, who holds the Guinness world
record for being kept in 10th grade (27 years), tells her middle school
classmates,
"I just don't get the hang of this
computer stuff."
THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL
The winner of our most recent contest is
Becky Poveromo of Pittsfield, Mass. Ms. Poveromo documented the phrase "we
can't just kill the mosquitoes, we have to drain the swamp" from 1,412
separate television, print and internet sources in the last seven days.
Congratulations, Ms. Poveromo.
BUSINESS AS USUAL
Internet pornographers say their business is
returning after a steep dropoff following the Sept. 11 attacks on the World
Trade Center. Vincent "little guy" Scalzone, owner of several pornographic
web sites told Untrue News, "After the first word of the attack, people
were too busy watching tv and getting internet news reports to bother with
our sites. The week of the tragedy, our profits dropped by seven million
dollars. If it weren't for the teenagers entering our site illegally, we'd
have done no business at all. Luckily, people don't dwell on tragedy
forever, and I'm happy to say we're back to about ninety percent now."
Scalzone
said all of his sites "The-Sexy-Barnyard.com" "HighSchool-Hookers-And-Their-Horny-Teachers.com"
"Pornoramacopia.net" "Yes-Fat-Chicks.net" and "Leather-Lovin-Lesbos-With-StrapOns.com"
are all showing strong signs of recovery. "God Bless America" he said.
WORDS OF WISDOM
Remember, if they beat you to a bloody pulp
and leave you lying helpless in the street with your wallet gone and blood
leaking from your ears, then they have already won.
ONE FOR THE BOOKS
In
what is considered to be a first in the food service business, a deli
counter clerk in a Wilmington, Delaware supermarket gave a customer
slightly less than the half pound of sliced American cheese he requested.
Rhoda Kringle of Wilmington, told reporters
that on the day of the incident she had just broken up with her boyfriend,
her car was leaking coolant, and her father was in the hospital suffering
from what doctors suspected was testicular cancer. As a result "My mind
just wasn't on what I was doing" she said, and I gave him .49 by accident I
knew I should of put another slice or two on there, but I didn't."
Ms.
Kringle, who was immediately fired by her store manager, told Untrue News
"I know when they order half a pound you're supposed to give them .6 or
even .7 and I always did, but, I don't know, I can't explain it, it was
crazy. I guess I deserve to be fired."
The story has a happy ending though. Ms.
Kringle found a new job and boyfriend, her father's cancer is in remission,
and the Guinness Book of World Records will publish her accomplishment in
its newest edition.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
CORPORAL MUSICAL
Arthur P. Watkins stars as Rev. Jesse Jackson in
"Beltway" described by its producers as "America's first S&M musical comedy/
political satire." "Beltway" will play 355 previews in New York before its
official opening for the critics.
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You're at home having pizza with a date you would
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"That's
my cracker, woman-hating spouse for sure" said Mrs. Sullivan on viewing the
photo in her local newspaper. "That deadbeat owes me about six years of
child support, I felt vindicated seeing his picture in the paper like that.
It just goes to show you that even out of a tragedy like this, some good
can come."
police
that she saw the face of her husband in the reflections made by the sun on
the window of a nearby office building, and on a taco.
Scalzone
said all of his sites "The-Sexy-Barnyard.com" "HighSchool-Hookers-And-Their-Horny-Teachers.com"
"Pornoramacopia.net" "Yes-Fat-Chicks.net" and "Leather-Lovin-Lesbos-With-StrapOns.com"
are all showing strong signs of recovery. "God Bless America" he said.
In
what is considered to be a first in the food service business, a deli
counter clerk in a Wilmington, Delaware supermarket gave a customer
slightly less than the half pound of sliced American cheese he requested.
Ms.
Kringle, who was immediately fired by her store manager, told Untrue News
"I know when they order half a pound you're supposed to give them .6 or
even .7 and I always did, but, I don't know, I can't explain it, it was
crazy. I guess I deserve to be fired." 
This doormat
looks exactly like a cast off banana peel. Your guests will laugh, until they
step on it, when it's special silicone coating will send them slipping and
sliding all over the place until they fall down hard. Then you'll have the laugh.
Will not lose slipperiness after washing. 
LUCITE
ENCASED REAL VOMIT.
When
you remove it from its sealed foil pouch and look at it, it appears to be just
another high quality latex condom. But what your victim doesn't know is, there
are hundreds of microscopic slots in the head and body of the condom, rendering
it useless as a device for preventing STDs or pregnancy. Imagine the fun you'll
have when you slip these condoms into the drawer of the guy who's constantly
bragging about how he always practices safe sex. Donate some to a free condom
distribution center in a gay neighborhood and watch the fun begin! The uses of
this condom are limited only by your imagination.
small seat
cushion on your victim's chair and just sit back and wait. Unlike the old
fashioned whoopee cushions which emit one noise as soon as the person sits down,
this cushion contains a timer chip and an aroma chip. The cushion can be
programmed to produce up to 50 flatulent sounds per hour, along with an aroma
guaranteed to make your guests think less of the "offender". Imagine a dinner
party which includes your victim. Imagine him cutting loose with six or seven
barn burners just as grace is being said. Anyone not in on the gag will express
their displeasure immediately. You'll be laughing so hard, people will have to
pacify you with food and sex. Includes all software. Lasts for years.
Imagine your date's surprise when your caller i.d. announces "You have a call
from Osama Bin Laden." "Oh" you say, "I'll talk to him later. I'd rather
concentrate on YOU." You'll make a positive impression on anyone with our gag
Voice Caller ID. This great novelty looks like a normal answering machine. But
when you press a remote control button, your telephone rings and the Voice
announcement tells the listener who your important caller is. Choose from over
2,000 programmable names from Connie Stevens and Charlie Manson to Osama Bin
Laden and Charles Grodin. Impress your friends, your dates, anyone who might
think more of you because you know someone famous. Requires six C batteries (not
included).
