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October 15, 2001

 VISIT NOW, WHILE
PRICES ARE LOW


Recent photo of Kabul airport.

 

 

In the Magazine Section, this week. "Osama Did It To Impress Jodi Foster" by Dr. Joyce Brothers

Fascinating analysis of what motivates this complicated terrorist

 

HEAD & SHOULDERS

A "powdery substance" discovered by a Xenia, Ohio man while purchasing beans has sent shock waves through this small Ohio town, and has public health officials speculating about the nature of the danger. Retired hardware store cashier Andrew Polizek said he was at his neighborhood market picking out wax beans for his dinner when another customer alerted him to "a white, powdery substance" on the shoulders of his black sweater.

Polizek brushed the powder off his clothing but by the time health officials and the FBI were called, more had appeared.

The substance, which was not found on any other parts of Mr. Polizek's clothing, was taken to an FBI laboratory for analysis. Tests show that Mr. Polizek was not infected with the anthrax virus.

"Makes you wonder" said longtime Xenia resident Hank Hall. "First you think well why would they want to infect a small town like ours, then you realize that after all, Xenia is the county seat. So anything could happen."

The Piggly Wiggly Mart in Xenia was shut down for two days while hazmat workers inspected the entire site.

  FIGHT INFLATION

We're not even going to write a caption for this one.

 

IN MEMORIAM

Jason Grayle pins a dead bird to a young tree, as a remembrance of his grandmother, who is suffering from severe dementia. "I didn't know what else to do" said Grayle.

 

As a public service, McGuffin's Untrue News reprints, for those who have not seen it, the US Government's recently issued pamphlet entitled "Nothing To Fear."

  • US GOVERNMENT SAFETY ADVISORY: When traveling by air, be sure to tell the airlines you want the Sky Marshall flight.

YOUR GOVERNMENT WANTS YOU TO KNOW:

THE SEVEN DEADLY WARNING SIGNS OF ANTHRAX

  • 1) Flu-like symptoms
  • 2) Rash
  • 3) Facial pimples or acne (especially in adolescents)
  • 4) Yawning
  • 5) Dizziness or light-headedness after consuming alcohol
  • 6) Aversion to sudden loud, unexpected noises
  • 7) Feelings of anxiety generated by reading government Anthrax warnings

IMMEDIATELY REPORT ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS, OR ANYONE YOU SEE WHO HAS THESE SYMPTOMS, OR ANYONE YOU SUSPECT OF HAVING THESE SYMPTOMS, OR JUST PEOPLE YOU DON'T LIKE AND WOULD ENJOY SEEING HARASSED, TO THE F.B.I. THE C.I.A. YOUR STATE HEALTH AUTHORITY OR SANDRA BERNHARDT. CHECK YOUR MEDICINE CABINET AND MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO POWDERY SUBSTANCES THERE. MAKE CERTAIN YOUR LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT IS IN ORDER. ABOVE ALL, DON'T PANIC.

In addition, your Government wants you to remember that terrorists often try to lead "normal" lives and blend in with their environment. Therefore, you should report any suspicious activity on the part of your neighbors, such as

  • 1. Taking out garbage
  • 2. Driving an automobile
  • 3. Sending or receiving mail
  • 4. Playing video games
  • 5. Bringing home items in deceptively innocent appearing bags, such as "MacDonald's" or "Wendy's"
  • 6. Raking leaves (esp. in the fall)
  • 7. Any other so-called "normal" activity which you regard as suspicious.

Finally, for those of you still frightened, your government assures you that in the event of chemical, biological or nuclear warfare, there is enough vaccine, antibiotic and space in fallout shelters for every single man, woman and child of cabinet level and above.

Ref: US Government Warning #101201-J4476.
Your tax dollars at work

 

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

 

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

UNMARRIED, WITH CHILDREN

According to an online report in Ananova.com, Nicole Kidman speaks about how her two adopted children Isabella and Connor have kept her going following her divorce from Tom Cruise: "You have two kids and there's times when you say I just want to curl up in a ball and never get out of bed, and then you have a six-year-old coming in and going 'where's breakfast?' And then of course you have to lift the phone and ask the houseman to get them breakfast."

 

 

WE RECOMMEND the following SAFE, FIREPROOF children's Halloween costumes:


1. Casper the Ghost
 
2. Afghani woman

3. HazMat worker

4. Klansman

5. Iraqi woman

6. Beekeeper

Think of the fun your family will have dressing up as a scary ghost or Klansman. Order now, while we still have some left. Specify child's size. Adult costumes available in S-M-L-XL-XXL and HUMONGOUS.

Child's costume $19.95  - Adult Costumes$ 21.95. Please add $19.95 S&H for each costume ordered. Enclose $10.00 for our free costume catalogue.

McGuffin High Class Costumes
Box 111
Dalton, Georgia 30720

We guarantee delivery on or before Halloween for orders received by July 30, 2001.  (Please note, Afghani woman costume may not be authentic after 01-01-02)

 


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October 15, 2001

 

 

 

 

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