"If we say it's untrue, there's no way
you can sue."
October 22, 2001
WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON
military leaders are claiming a victory over American and international
forces this week. An Al Qaeda spokesman told Untrue News "We have lost more
territory than the US, more troops, more airplanes and more weapons. So far,
we're way ahead on points."
WE SHALL FIGHT THEM IN
American Special Forces troops are said to be on the ground in Afghanistan.
That's more Americans than thought "Joe Dirt" was funny.
NEWS OF SCIENCE
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT
ANTHRAX by Untrue News
science reporter Dr. Mel E. Levine
everyone! Before I begin my report on anthrax, let me say I'll be appearing at
Ceil's Cabaret, 404 Old Route 37, in Youngstown, Ohio for their Midnight Monday
Madness. That's Monday, Oct 29, right before Halloween, at Ceil's Cabaret in
Youngstown. If you ask for me by name, they'll take ten percent off your next
Everybody is pitching in on
the war effort. R. J. Reynolds tobacco company, makers of Camel cigarettes, and
American Tobacco, makers of Lucky Strike announced that as a patriotic gesture they
will send free cartons of cigarettes to the Taliban.
as far as the scientific stuff about anthrax, you've read it or seen it on TV a
million times, it's not contagious, blah blah. I don't have anything to add to
that. Latest studies of the anthrax sent to NBC, the NY Post and others show that
it is all from the same batch, a strain anyone could get for $1.95 from Taco Bell.
The bottom line is, if you're
scared, remember our leaders in Congress and do what they did. Close up shop and
run like relatives are asking you for money. House speaker Dennis Hastert gave
strict instructions that nobody would be allowed inside the house of
representatives except Gary Condit.
China, Bush met with Chinese president Jiang Zemin. Bush said "They're useless as
military allies, their attitude towards human rights is barbaric, but damn, when
this war is over we're gonna sell them some oil."
Hey, you've been a great
audience, goodnight everyone, drive safely!!
ONE HAPPY FAMILY
Record studio engineer Charles Gold and his
wife Betsy, show off their three children for no apparent reason.
I HAVE A HEADACHE
US is negotiating with BayerAG, the German pharmaceutical company, hoping the
company will lower its price for the anti anthrax drug Cipro. "All we
have to do is withhold the supply of Cipro, give it to our own people, and
this time we WILL rule the world. HAhahahaha " Bayer CEO Manfred Schneider
told Untrue News. The executive continued "AHHHHhahahahaha."
Michael Dell, CEO of
Dell Computer tells investors that even if the bottom should drop out of the market
and the United States be thrown into the worst depression it has ever seen, he has
enough personal money to live easy for the rest of his life.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
MY WEEKLY READER INFORMATIVE AND FUN CURRENT EVENTS QUIZ
Taliban does it take to eat a slice of bacon?
A: None. Pork is forbidden to Muslims
How fat is a Taliban?
A. Not very. Their harsh desert existence and largely vegetarian diet promote
a healthy lifestyle
How ugly are the women in
Taliban ruled countries?
A: We don't know, as women under the Taliban are forced to cover their faces.
But just to take a guess, if they look anything like the men, we'll say "so ugly I
saw a vulture look at one and cover his eyes with his wing."
The Answer is Mack,
mallard, and Jerry Falwell, what is the question?
Q: Name a truck, a duck, and a schmuck.
What did the preceding have
to do with current events?
A: Nothing, we said this quiz would be informative AND fun.
What did the Taliban
watchmaker say to the Taliban blacksmith?
A: What should I do with these rectal thermometers?
If you got all six correct
you are well up on your current events and world history, and you are also
probably the class clown.
Five correct you're smart
and funny. You'll do better than the people who got six right, as they usually
burn out pretty fast.
Four correct you're sorta
smart and funny. You'll get laid, but only with people dumber than you.
Three correct you're not
that smart or funny. You should do well with victim types.
Two correct you're kinda
stupid. Stay with service industries.
One correct shoot yourself
Zero correct you have a
career in politics or physical education ahead of you, congratulations.