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"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

October 22, 2001

WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE LAND

Taliban military leaders are claiming a victory over American and international forces this week. An Al Qaeda spokesman told Untrue News "We have lost more territory than the US, more troops, more airplanes and more weapons. So far, we're way ahead on points."

 

  WE SHALL FIGHT THEM IN THE CAVES

100 American Special Forces troops are said to be on the ground in Afghanistan. That's more Americans than thought "Joe Dirt" was funny.

 

NEWS OF SCIENCE AND MEDICINE

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ANTHRAX
by Untrue News science reporter Dr. Mel E. Levine

Hey everyone! Before I begin my report on anthrax, let me say I'll be appearing at Ceil's Cabaret, 404 Old Route 37, in Youngstown, Ohio for their Midnight Monday Madness. That's Monday, Oct 29, right before Halloween, at Ceil's Cabaret in Youngstown. If you ask for me by name, they'll take ten percent off your next visit.

Everybody is pitching in on the war effort. R. J. Reynolds tobacco company, makers of Camel cigarettes, and American Tobacco, makers of Lucky Strike announced that as a patriotic gesture they will send free cartons of cigarettes to the Taliban.

Okay, as far as the scientific stuff about anthrax, you've read it or seen it on TV a million times, it's not contagious, blah blah. I don't have anything to add to that. Latest studies of the anthrax sent to NBC, the NY Post and others show that it is all from the same batch, a strain anyone could get for $1.95 from Taco Bell.

The bottom line is, if you're scared, remember our leaders in Congress and do what they did. Close up shop and run like relatives are asking you for money. House speaker Dennis Hastert gave strict instructions that nobody would be allowed inside the house of representatives except Gary Condit.

In China, Bush met with Chinese president Jiang Zemin. Bush said "They're useless as military allies, their attitude towards human rights is barbaric, but damn, when this war is over we're gonna sell them some oil."

Hey, you've been a great audience, goodnight everyone, drive safely!!

 

ONE HAPPY FAMILY

Record studio engineer Charles Gold and his wife Betsy, show off their three children for no apparent reason.

 

  I HAVE A HEADACHE

The US is negotiating with BayerAG, the German pharmaceutical company, hoping the company will lower its price for the anti anthrax drug Cipro.  "All we have to do is withhold the supply of Cipro, give it to our own people, and this time we WILL rule the world. HAhahahaha " Bayer CEO Manfred Schneider told Untrue News. The executive continued "AHHHHhahahahaha."

 

EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE

Michael Dell, CEO of Dell Computer tells investors that even if the bottom should drop out of the market and the United States be thrown into the worst depression it has ever seen, he has enough personal money to live easy for the rest of his life.

 

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MY WEEKLY READER
INFORMATIVE AND FUN CURRENT EVENTS QUIZ

How many Taliban does it take to eat a slice of bacon?
   A: None. Pork is forbidden to Muslims

How fat is a Taliban?
   A. Not very. Their harsh desert existence and largely vegetarian diet promote a healthy lifestyle

How ugly are the women in Taliban ruled countries?
   A: We don't know, as women under the Taliban are forced to cover their faces.  But just to take a guess, if they look anything like the men, we'll say "so ugly I saw a vulture look at one and cover his eyes with his wing."

The Answer is Mack, mallard, and Jerry Falwell, what is the question?
   Q: Name a truck, a duck, and a schmuck.

What did the preceding have to do with current events?
   A: Nothing, we said this quiz would be informative AND fun.

What did the Taliban watchmaker say to the Taliban blacksmith?
   A: What should I do with these rectal thermometers?

Check your score!

  • If you got all six correct you are well up on your current events and world history, and you are also probably the class clown.

  • Five correct you're smart and funny. You'll do better than the people who got six right, as they usually burn out pretty fast.

  • Four correct you're sorta smart and funny. You'll get laid, but only with people dumber than you.

  • Three correct you're not that smart or funny. You should do well with victim types.

  • Two correct you're kinda stupid. Stay with service industries.

  • One correct shoot yourself now.

  • Zero correct you have a career in politics or physical education ahead of you, congratulations.

 

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October 22, 2001

 

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An Afghani girl in a burqa
Decided to dance the mazurka
She was shot in the head,
And then stoned until dead
Then they stabbed her a lot with a dirk-a.

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Boo!

God Bless America.

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