"If we say it's untrue, there's no way
you can sue."
October 29, 2001
BOMB KABUL STARBUCKS, TALIBAN CLOSE TO SURRENDER.
American and allied aircraft struck at the heart of Kabul today, laying waste
to a two year old Starbucks coffee shop, and sending the Taliban leadership
"Without the Starbucks, and the adjacent Barnes and Noble we
no place to relax with a good book and a six dollar macchiato" said Abdul el-Aziz,
a Taliban spokesman. "Coffee is one of the few pleasures not forbidden to us,
if not for coffee and hashish we would be unable to cope with our many
problems. Now they have taken away the coffee. Allah is great, but sometimes
he really fucks with our heads."
Taliban leaders were reported suffering from nervousness, fatigue,
irritability, constipation, and migraine headaches. As one observer told
Untrue News "the end is near."
In a related story, strategic bombing continued as B-52's pounded at the
city's infrastructure, destroying the Kabul Six Flags, the Kabul TGI
Friday's, and the Mullah Omar Speedway, home of the Kabul Nascar races.
The Department of Health issued a statement saying Americans are more likely
to hit the lottery than to contract Anthrax, sending thousands of lottery
winners scurrying to their doctors.
AFTER MANY A SUMMER
State Trooper Matthew DeMaio lectures a swan he has just pulled over for
speeding. The swan, cited for going 90 MPH in a 65 MPH zone was also ticketed
for driving without a license, driving without insurance, and public nudity.
George W. Bush has asked American children to become pen pals with Afghani
children. In the same spirit, Untrue News asked children to send us their
best Taliban jokes. Here are the top five:
What will you find in Mullah Omar's kidneys?
A: Kabul stones
How do you keep a Taliban from smelling?
A: You can't. That's how they smell
What did Osama Bin Laden say when he came home and found one of his wives
having sex with his best friend?
A: Down boy!
Why did Osama Bin Laden cross the road?
A: He didn't, he sent two suicidal young men in his place, telling them they
would be in Paradise this day.
That's only four. Where is the fifth?
A: This is the fifth. We only got four entries. And we don't think the last
two were written by children.
Lockheed-Martin beat it's competitor, Boeing, to win a $200 billion dollar
government contract to make the F-35 joint strike fighter airplane for the
military. Dain M. Hancock, president of Lockheed-Martin told Untrue News
"This is a great patriotic lesson for the American people. Even in times of
enormous tragedy and sorrow, our executives can reap huge windfall bonuses."
Hancock thanked his lobbyists, "without whose untiring efforts this could not
also thanked his cousin James Roche, Secretary of the Air Force, and his
fraternity brother Edward C. Aldredge, Undersecretary of Defense.
Mr. Hancock spoke to reporters this morning, drawing laughs when he ended his
remarks by saying "Now here's a little something for Boeing" and raising his
JESSE VENTURA OF POLITICS
Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura's feud with Minneapolis--St. Paul newspapers
continues. The newspapers are reportedly furious that Ventura made an exclusive
deal with "Good Morning America" to accompany him on his trip to World Trade Center
ground zero. Ventura countered by calling the newspapers "jealous" and saying "I am
definitely not trying to exploit my visit to this area, or to make any capital off
the victims of this terrible tragedy. If you don't believe me, wait till you see my
ABC Special 'The Governor at Ground Zero' starring me, Glen Campbell, Bill
O'Reilly, Mary Tyler Moore, Dick Cavett and the musical stylings of Heart."
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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
Actress Angelina Jolie celebrates Halloween.
to the South China Morning Post, Hong Kong will cancel the Asian version of
"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." The paper noted the reason for the
cancellation: It's just too difficult for Asians to pronounce Millionaire.
COMMERCIAL-FREE TELEVISION...YOU GET THE COMMERCIALS FREE
ABC has signed a $25-million deal with West Point to show a primetime special
West Point" this summer. The network said it will promote the military academy via
other specials as well as an ad campaign aimed at aiding West Point's recruitment
effort. Although some viewers and critics feel that this is blurring the line
between advertising and entertainment, the network disagrees.
An ABC spokesman told Untrue News "We are committed to quality content in our
programming," and pointed out two new projects in development, a two-hour movie
"The General Motors Minivan That Saved The World", and the sitcom "Everybody Loves