<%@ Language=JavaScript %> October 29, 2001


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APOLOGY

Last week we published a photograph of Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA) over the caption "Happy Halloween." We have received numerous complaints and would like to extend our sincere apologies to those who wrote and called. It was not our intention to offend pumpkins, gourds, squashes or any other member of the cucurbita species which comprise these delectables.

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

October 29, 2001

 ALLIES BOMB KABUL STARBUCKS, TALIBAN CLOSE TO SURRENDER.

American and allied aircraft struck at the heart of Kabul today, laying waste to a two year old Starbucks coffee shop, and sending the Taliban leadership into disarray.

"Without the Starbucks, and the adjacent Barnes and Noble we have no place to relax with a good book and a six dollar macchiato" said Abdul el-Aziz, a Taliban spokesman. "Coffee is one of the few pleasures not forbidden to us, if not for coffee and hashish we would be unable to cope with our many problems. Now they have taken away the coffee. Allah is great, but sometimes he really fucks with our heads."

Taliban leaders were reported suffering from nervousness, fatigue, irritability, constipation, and migraine headaches. As one observer told Untrue News "the end is near."

In a related story, strategic bombing continued as B-52's pounded at the city's infrastructure, destroying the Kabul Six Flags, the Kabul TGI Friday's, and the Mullah Omar Speedway, home of the Kabul Nascar races.
 

   YOU'RE A WINNER!

The Department of Health issued a statement saying Americans are more likely to hit the lottery than to contract Anthrax, sending thousands of lottery winners scurrying to their doctors.

AFTER MANY A SUMMER

State Trooper Matthew DeMaio lectures a swan he has just pulled over for speeding. The swan, cited for going 90 MPH in a 65 MPH zone was also ticketed for driving without a license, driving without insurance, and public nudity.

 SUFFER THE CHILDREN

George W. Bush has asked American children to become pen pals with Afghani children. In the same spirit, Untrue News asked children to send us their best Taliban jokes. Here are the top five:

What will you find in Mullah Omar's kidneys?
A: Kabul stones

How do you keep a Taliban from smelling?
A: You can't. That's how they smell

What did Osama Bin Laden say when he came home and found one of his wives having sex with his best friend?
A: Down boy!

Why did Osama Bin Laden cross the road?
A: He didn't, he sent two suicidal young men in his place, telling them they would be in Paradise this day.

That's only four. Where is the fifth?
A: This is the fifth. We only got four entries. And we don't think the last two were written by children.

   BUSINESS AS USUAL

Lockheed-Martin beat it's competitor, Boeing, to win a $200 billion dollar government contract to make the F-35 joint strike fighter airplane for the military. Dain M. Hancock, president of Lockheed-Martin told Untrue News "This is a great patriotic lesson for the American people. Even in times of enormous tragedy and sorrow, our executives can reap huge windfall bonuses."

Hancock thanked his lobbyists, "without whose untiring efforts this could not have happened." Hancock also thanked his cousin James Roche, Secretary of the Air Force, and his fraternity brother Edward C. Aldredge, Undersecretary of Defense.

Mr. Hancock spoke to reporters this morning, drawing laughs when he ended his remarks by saying "Now here's a little something for Boeing" and raising his middle finger.

HE'S THE JESSE VENTURA OF POLITICS

Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura's feud with Minneapolis--St. Paul newspapers continues. The newspapers are reportedly furious that Ventura made an exclusive deal with "Good Morning America" to accompany him on his trip to World Trade Center ground zero. Ventura countered by calling the newspapers "jealous" and saying "I am definitely not trying to exploit my visit to this area, or to make any capital off the victims of this terrible tragedy. If you don't believe me, wait till you see my ABC Special 'The Governor at Ground Zero' starring me, Glen Campbell, Bill O'Reilly, Mary Tyler Moore, Dick Cavett and the musical stylings of Heart."

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

 BOO!

Actress Angelina Jolie celebrates Halloween.

   MILLIONAIRE ENTERS HEAVEN

According to the South China Morning Post, Hong Kong will cancel the Asian version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." The paper noted the reason for the cancellation: It's just too difficult for Asians to pronounce Millionaire.

COMMERCIAL-FREE TELEVISION...YOU GET THE COMMERCIALS FREE

ABC has signed a $25-million deal with West Point to show a primetime special "Young America Celebrates West Point" this summer. The network said it will promote the military academy via other specials as well as an ad campaign aimed at aiding West Point's recruitment effort. Although some viewers and critics feel that this is blurring the line between advertising and entertainment, the network disagrees.

An ABC spokesman told Untrue News "We are committed to quality content in our programming," and pointed out two new projects in development, a two-hour movie "The General Motors Minivan That Saved The World", and the sitcom "Everybody Loves Hot Pockets".

 

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