<%@ Language=JavaScript %> September 5, 2001


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This issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is dedicated to George W. Bush, a man so stupid his aides have to dumb things UP.
(Okay, it's a bad joke but so is Bush.)

September 5, 2001

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

September 5, 2001

HE MADE THE DEVIL DO IT

Gary Condit - not a perfect man.Interviewed by a local California newspaper, the parents of Congressman Gary Condit asserted thatSatan Satan was involved in the disappearance of Chandra Levy. Acting on what they said was their first solid lead in the case, police in Washington DC issued a warrant for Satan's arrest.

DC police chief Charles Ramsey told Untrue News "Satan is such an obvious suspect. It's not like he hasn't done this kind of thing before. Now all we have to do is find him."

 

 

INTERIOR DIALOGUE

Gale NortonAsked if the endangered spotted owl should be killed, President Cheney's secretary of the interior Gale Norton indignantly replied "Well certainly. We can't kill them if we can't spot them, can we? Duh."

 

THE END OF SUMMER AS WE KNOW IT

butterfly ballotIt's the beginning of September, only 3 years and 2 months till the next Presidential election. If you are an elderly Democrat in the state of Florida, start learning how to operate those ballots NOW. If you are an elderly Republican in the state of Florida, don't worry, Jeb Bush will have your pre-filled ballots sent to you in the very near future.

 

ONE FOR MY BABY

SoltysNikolay Soltys, one of the FBI's ten most wanted fugitives, was captured Thursday morning by Sacramento Sheriff's Department officers. Soltys, a 27 year old Ukrainian immigrant was wanted for the stabbing deaths of six members of his family, including his pregnant wife and three-year old son. During his arraignment Soltys told the judge "I'm not a perfect man. I've made mistakes, but out of respect for my deceased family, I am not going to say anything further."

 

 

AND ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD


According the the Automobile Club, police are setting up about 3,000 sobriety checkpoints across the country in order to crack down on drunken driving this holiday week. Labor Day and the week that follows is usually one of the deadliest periods for drivers. Agencies in 37 states and Washington, D.C., will run sobriety checkpoints on their busiest roads. CEO's of Schenley distillers, Anheuser-Busch breweries and other alcoholic beverage producers urge drivers who drink to make sure they take back roads.

 

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

KILLER RATINGS

This year's football season has already been marred by the deaths of 335-pound Minnesota Vikings offensive lineman Korey Stringer, 255-pound University of Florida running back Eraste Autin, and nine other players from apparent complications related to heatstroke. ABC Sports chief Dick Buffinton told Untrue News "We're thinking of instituting a summer football series for our network. People love seeing other people killed, and playing football in July and August is the perfect way to deliver what our audience demands."

ABC stock rose 12 percent on the news.

 

 

Local 2nd grader Isabelle Ennis entertains her friends at recess with her Nathan Lane impression. Ennis has been called "a young, less effeminate Rich Little" by New Yorker Magazine.

 

NO CHEERS FOR BECKER

Five supporting cast members of the tv sitcom Becker failed to report for work for the second day in a row Thursday after filing a breach-of-contract suit against Paramount. The five claim that they have been instrumental in making the show a hit and are demanding raises. The news came as a surprise to both Paramount execs and viewers, who said they had no idea Becker was a hit.


 

 

 

 

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Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.FROM THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

In some of my past articles, I've told you to use silver foil when watching television, to prevent your brain and body from being taken over by aliens. Many of my readers have written asking me if they can use aluminum foil or tinfoil instead of silver foil. The answer is NO.

Aliens are not susceptible to aluminum or tin. It will not block the energy waves emanating from your TV set, nor will it prevent them from controlling your mind. When the United States went off the silver standard for coins in 1965, it was a great boon to the aliens, who could now carry pocket change. One wonders Silver coinage -- deadly to aliens!WHY the government decided to remove silver from our coinage and replace it with a copper-nickel "sandwich" type of metal, base and valueless. The reason, of course, is because the aliens were becoming ill and dropping like flies when they handled US money that contained silver. (See: US death statistics, 1964, the last year of silver coinage, and compare with US death statistics, 1965).

Here is a simple test. Carry with you at all times something made of silver. An old coin, a spoon, it doesn't have to be sterling silver, even silver plate will do. When you meet someone you suspect is an alien, wave the silver at them, and attempt to touch the silver to their skin. If they back away, or look at you oddly, or react as though you were a threat to them, you have something very close to proof that your target is a being from beyond our solar system.

Silver will frighten and repell aliens. It may even be fatal. Always wear a silver foil cap and carry silver.

Silver foil has to be specially purchased from chemical supply stores. It is not sold in supermarkets or hardware stores. You might like to ask yourselves WHY this is so, but I think you already know the answer, don't you?

Always wear the foil when watching television, and be sure to keep a silver foil cap on your head at all times. I would advise answering the door wearing the foil as well, you never know who might be standing there. Will people laugh at you? Probably. But when the aliens attack, guess who will have the last laugh. I will. And so will you if you heed my warning. Later, we can get together and laugh about our dead relatives and friends who were too stupid or too vain to follow this simple procedure.

 --H.H.

The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

 

 

 

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LATE BREAKING NEWS!

FLASH!! THIS JUST IN:
Gary Condit is not a perfect man.
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