This issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is
dedicated to George W. Bush, a man so stupid his aides have to dumb things UP. (Okay, it's a bad joke but
so is Bush.)
September 5, 2001
"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."
September 5, 2001
HE MADE THE DEVIL DO IT
Interviewed by a local California newspaper,
the parents of Congressman Gary Condit asserted that Satan was involved in the disappearance of Chandra Levy. Acting on what they
said was their first solid lead in the case, police in Washington DC issued a warrant for
DC police chief Charles Ramsey told Untrue
News "Satan is such an obvious suspect. It's not like he hasn't done this kind of thing
before. Now all we have to do is find him."
Asked if the endangered spotted
owl should be killed, President Cheney's secretary of the interior Gale Norton
indignantly replied "Well certainly. We can't kill them if we can't spot them, can we?
THE END OF SUMMER AS WE KNOW IT
beginning of September, only 3 years and 2 months till the next Presidential election. If you
are an elderly Democrat in the state of Florida, start learning how to operate those ballots
NOW. If you are an elderly Republican in the state of Florida, don't worry, Jeb Bush
will have your pre-filled ballots sent to you in the very near future.
ONE FOR MY BABY
Nikolay Soltys, one of the FBI's ten most wanted
fugitives, was captured Thursday morning by Sacramento Sheriff's Department officers.
Soltys, a 27 year old Ukrainian immigrant was wanted for the stabbing deaths of six
members of his family, including his pregnant wife and three-year old son. During his
arraignment Soltys told the judge "I'm not a perfect man. I've made mistakes, but out of
respect for my deceased family, I am not going to say anything further."
AND ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD
According the the Automobile Club, police are setting up about 3,000 sobriety checkpoints
across the country in order to crack down on drunken driving this holiday week. Labor Day
and the week that follows is usually one of the deadliest periods for drivers. Agencies
in 37 states and Washington, D.C., will run sobriety checkpoints on their busiest roads.
CEO's of Schenley distillers, Anheuser-Busch breweries and other alcoholic beverage
producers urge drivers who drink to make sure they take back roads.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
This year's football season has already been
marred by the deaths of 335-pound Minnesota Vikings offensive lineman Korey Stringer,
255-pound University of Florida running back Eraste Autin, and nine other players from
apparent complications related to heatstroke. ABC Sports chief Dick Buffinton told Untrue
News "We're thinking of instituting a summer football series for our network. People love
seeing other people killed, and playing football in July and August is the perfect way to
deliver what our audience demands."
ABC stock rose 12 percent on the news.
Local 2nd grader Isabelle Ennis entertains her friends at
recess with her Nathan Lane impression. Ennis has been called "a young, less effeminate
Rich Little" by New Yorker Magazine.
NO CHEERS FOR BECKER
Five supporting cast members of the tv sitcom Becker failed to
report for work for the second day in a row Thursday after filing a breach-of-contract suit
against Paramount. The five claim that they have been instrumental in making the show a hit and
are demanding raises. The news came as a surprise to both Paramount execs and viewers, who said
they had no idea Becker was a hit.
FROM THE FILES by Untrue News paranoid editor
In some of my past articles, I've told you to
use silver foil when watching television, to prevent your brain and body from being taken
over by aliens. Many of my readers have written asking me if they can use aluminum foil or
tinfoil instead of silver foil. The answer is NO.
Aliens are not susceptible to aluminum or tin.
It will not block the energy waves emanating from your TV set, nor will it prevent them from
controlling your mind. When the United States went off the silver standard for coins in 1965,
it was a great boon to the aliens, who could now carry pocket change. One wonders
WHY the government decided to remove silver from
our coinage and replace it with a copper-nickel "sandwich" type of metal, base and valueless.
The reason, of course, is because the aliens were becoming ill and dropping like flies when
they handled US money that contained silver. (See: US death statistics, 1964, the last year
of silver coinage, and compare with US death statistics, 1965).
Here is a simple test. Carry with you at all
times something made of silver. An old coin, a spoon, it doesn't have to be sterling silver,
even silver plate will do. When you meet someone you suspect is an alien, wave the silver at
them, and attempt to touch the silver to their skin. If they back away, or look at you oddly,
or react as though you were a threat to them, you have something very close to proof that
your target is a being from beyond our solar system.
Silver foil has to be specially purchased from
chemical supply stores. It is not sold in supermarkets or hardware stores. You might like to
ask yourselves WHY this is so, but I think you already know the answer, don't you?
Always wear the foil when watching television,
and be sure to keep a silver foil cap on your head at all times. I would advise answering the
door wearing the foil as well, you never know who might be standing there. Will people laugh
at you? Probably. But when the aliens attack, guess who will have the last laugh. I will. And
so will you if you heed my warning. Later, we can get together and laugh about our dead
relatives and friends who were too stupid or too vain to follow this simple procedure.
(**NOTE: Hyman Haydenis a member of the Paranoid Alliance for
Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)