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September 24, 2001

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

September 24, 2001

Untrue News is pleased to publish the following exclusive interview with Osama Bin Laden, by our Untrue News Asian correspondent, Shirley McGuffin.

UNTRUE NEWS: What would you say to the American people now?

BIN LADEN: I'd tell them this. It's the religious extremists who are making everyone look bad.

UN: Can you give us names?
BL: Certainly. Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson...
UN: No no, what would you say to the American people about the war on terrorism?
BL: Not all Muslims are terrorists.
UN: I see.
BL: Just psychopathic fanatic ones like me.
UN: Alright.
BL: And my worldwide organization.
UN: Anything else?
BL: Will you join me in a plate of pork dumplings? And please enjoy a glass of Maker's Mark bourbon, with which we will wash it down. Then I must hurry off to have sex with a camel.
UN: Wait a minute, pork, alcohol, bestiality? You aren't a Muslim at all!
BL: I am in reality Ahmed Achmed, a well known (in Arab states) Bin Laden impressionist. And you've been on Afghani Candid Camera!
UN: No! You guys! I thought you were real!
BL: And this is my conductor and arranger, George Rhodes.
UN: You had me so totally fooled. When will this segment air?
BL: It's hard to say, it depends on how much material we have.
UN: Will you let me know when it's on?
BL: Oh yes, just sign this release.
UN: Do you know Omar Yashfei?
BL: Never heard of him.
UN: He sings at one of our local spots on amateur night. Nice guy. Do you know Michael Eisner?

(The interview continues in this manner for another 60 lines, which you have been spared.)

PROFILER

The FBI set up a hotline for information on anyone who might benefit in any way from the attack on the World Trade Center. Most callers suggested Gary Condit.

OH LORD!

Although he later apologized, Rev. Jerry Falwell in a television appearance blamed the terrorist attack on pro-choice activists, feminists, gays, and other people who live in "a secular society. At least the terrorists worship Allah." said Falwell. "These feminists have no God at all."

AND ANOTHER

Rep. John Cooksey of Louisiana Rep. John Cooksey (R-LA) has apologized after saying on the radio that anyone wearing "a diaper on his head" should be stopped and questioned. Rep Cooksey later told Untrue News "I did apologize, but the Arabs mistook my meaning. I meant if a guy was actually wearing a diaper on his head, you'd want to stop him and question him."

AN EDITORIAL BY UNTRUE EDITOR MARK McGUFFIN

We sincerely hope and pray the war on terrorism will end soon, so we can get back to mocking our leaders.

However, for now, we can laugh the terrorists out of hiding with a powerful weapon--vicious parody! Even those of us who have no combat skills can help by enjoying a good laugh against (1) Osama Bin Laden and (2) the enemies of America!

(1) Osama Bin Laden is so conservative, he makes Hitler look like a Nazi!
(2) The enemies of America are so fat, when they get on a talking scale, it says "one at a time"!

We hope you enjoyed our vicious jokes against Osama Bin Laden and the enemies of America.

Let nobody say he or she has not done his or her part. --M.M.

Do you have a vicious joke or parody against the enemies of America?
Post it here. (Disclaimer: no ethnic slurs please)

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT THERE IS OTHER NEWS AS WELL

DO NOT DRY CLEAN

A historian for the Levi-Strauss company shows off what is believed to be one of the first pair of Levi's ever made. Levi-Strauss bought the jeans, which date from 1880, at an eBay auction, from a man who said he got them by "de-pantsing a really old guy."

FRONTIERS OF MEDICINE

Surgeons

Surgeons in New York performed an operation on a 68 year old woman in a hospital in Paris, France, removing her gall bladder using remote control instruments. The operation was said to be a success, and would have been even more successful if the woman hadn't been there visiting her husband.

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

INSIDE THE MOUSE

Robert Iger, President and COO of Disney told Untrue News the company will probably avoid dramas about terrorist plots. For the time being, he said, film and TV producers will have to make decisions about content by examining their "gut feelings."

Asked which Hollywood producers actually had "guts", Iger paused for a long time before saying "You got me there."

IT'S A BOMB!

All of Hollywood's major studios have stepped up security measures after receiving word from the FBI that "a film studio in California could be the target of a terrorist bombing attack.

Look out... it's a bomb! Especially vulnerable, said officials, is 20th Century Fox. Any attack on that studio, said a source, "would definitely be in retaliation for 'Glitter'."

The Paranoia Files:

Hyman Hayden has gone underground, and cannot be reached. His Paranoia Files column will resume as soon as we locate him and force him to honor his contractual obligations to us.

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September 24, 2001

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September 24, 2001

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Q: How many Taliban does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What's a light bulb?

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God Bless America.

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