SPECIAL ONE WEEK AFTER APRIL FOOL'S DAY ISSUE.
Or is it???
MAYBE HE'S GUILTY, AND MAYBE HE'S GUILTY
Jury selection began last week for the trial of Michael
Skakel, a Kennedy cousin accused of murdering a young girl 26 years ago in Greenwich,
CT. The trial is expected to take several weeks. Skakel's ass will be tried separately.
BESEIGED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED
Besieged by Israeli troops,
Yasir Arafat remained isolated in his compound, with no light, no food, and no means of
communication. Arafat told Untrue News he was not disturbed by the harsh conditions.
"It's bearable" said Arafat. "At least I don't have to hide in a secret panel in the
closet, like Osama." Arafat then uttered the Arabic word for "ooops."
YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY LOST...
"Chairman Arafat, the Nobel Committee is on the phone,
they want their peace prize back."
THE FRIENDLY SKIES
Joyce Gurney sports a smiley airplane costume as she waits
to board her flight from Los Angeles to Washington DC. Ms. Gurney told our reporter "I
figure dressing up like this will relax people, and ease my passage through the tedious
security checkpoints."
Shortly after this photograph was taken, Ms. Gurney was
searched from cockpit to rudder.
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News of Show Business
THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN YOU AND THE
MONEY
Asked if the many
US financed films being made in foreign countries would result in lost jobs, Mark
Ordesky, president of Fine Line Features told Untrue News "The jobs are not lost;
they've just been relocated."
While he was speaking, burglars broke into Ordesky's home
and relocated his television sets, his computer, his coin collection and all of his
wife's jewelry.
REFLECTIONS IN A
BLACKENED EYE
WJXT-TV, which has been the CBS
affiliate in Jacksonville, FL since 1949, said Wednesday that it is parting ways with
the network. The station said it had no choice, since the last CBS viewer in Florida
died in March.
BRYANT SAYS GOODBYE
Bryant Gumbel is leaving as host of his CBS-TV morning
show. Although show biz insiders report that his contract was not renewed, Gumbel says
he is leaving of his own accord. "After more than 17 years of hosting a morning news
program on NBC and then hosting a morning news program on CBS," Gumbel told Untrue
News, "I feel it's time for me to move on and do something else with my life."
Asked
what he'd be doing, Gumbel said "I'll be looking for a job hosting a morning news
program on ABC."
NO SMOKING ON THE SET
Veteran
soap-opera star Michael Nader has filed a $32-million lawsuit against ABC, claiming
that he was pulled off the daytime drama All My Children when he went on medical leave
to enter a rehab program after his drug arrest in New York City. Nader charges
that when he recovered, he returned to the show in March only to learn that he had been
written out of the script and that ABC was refusing to pay him his $436,000 annual
salary.
Nader told our TV and television reporter Richard Millicent
Mile "If I win, my attorney gets a third, leaving twenty million bucks for me. Man!!
That'll keep me in crack for the next fifty years."
THE
FILES by Untrue News
paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**
WHY YOU CAN'T FIND ME.
As you might imagine, many people are looking for me. You may have tried
it yourself, a little Internet search here, a little public library there, but no dice.
All roads lead back to where they began.
This is, as those in the idiomatic know say, not for
nothing. The reason I can't be found is because I will not let myself be found. You can
protect yourself in the same way I do by following these simple steps:
1. Get a fake ID. Then become that
person. This immediately removes you from social security listings, tax rolls, real
estate rolls, etc. Make sure the fake ID is real enough to fool
people. If you're 57 years old, don't get a college student I. D. If you're a college
student, don't get an "Andy Williams Fan Club" ID. Keep it real, as the brothers say. I
personally carry no ID at all. The best ID's are genuine drivers licenses. These can be
obtained if you know who to talk to.
2. Don't ask me who to talk to.
3. No credit cards. Cash only. This
means NO credit cards. Not even useless ones like the Discover card. Never save
receipts.
4. Don't think an unlisted number
will protect you. Do not own a telephone. Do not use a cell phone ever. Make all calls
from pay phones using prepaid cards. Never use the same pay phone twice in one month,
and if you are calling the same number over and over, vary the pay phones by as much as
a mile apart each time you call. Best: Don't make phone calls.
5. Make sure your fingerprints are
not on file anywhere. If you were a member of the armed services, or a bonded employee,
or in law enforcement, your prints are definitely on file. Bow out of this game, or
have your fingerprints changed by a professional forensic plastic surgeon, be careful
to find a dishonest one who won't report you. It will be costly, but may be worth it,
depending on how badly you want to play.
6. Change rooms often. You can't
afford to stay in one place too long. Make sure that immediately upon moving in to your
new residence you sweep the area for bugs, and then line the walls with silver foil.
6a. Try to avoid television, but if
you absolutely must have a TV set, sit at least five feet from the screen and wear your
silver foil hat and at least three layers of clothing at all times. Do not have cable
installed for any reason. NEVER watch children's programs or The O'Reilly Factor.
(Children's programs, such as Sesame Street, etc. are super-loaded with electronically
altered ions aimed directly at your brain. Have you ever seen a child staring
slack-jawed and glassy-eyed at a Muppet? There's a reason for that. Avoid the O'Reilly
Factor because it will just make you angry.)
7. Do not own a personal computer.
Do all your online work from public computers in libraries. Avoid Internet cafes as
they have security cameras. Change the place you compute from each time. If you live in
a town with only one library, or no public computers, the extreme solution is to break
into people's homes when they are away, and use their computers. This is effective, but
not recommended. If you choose this route, be sure you don't leave any DNA behind.
8. Make sure you never leave home
without wearing your silver foil hat. Not tinfoil or aluminum foil. It must be genuine
silver foil, available at chemical supply houses. Fashion the foil in the shape of a
navy watch cap, it should fit snugly on your head and come down until it completely
covers your ears. In the front, the cap should cover your forehead to eyebrow level.
Decorating it with a red wool pom-pom will add to the protection.
9. In public, attempt to blend in,
and do not attract attention to yourself.
Follow these rules, and the only people who
will be able to locate you will be the Jehovah's Witnesses. These people are not
associated with aliens and should not be feared. They will not even glance at your silver
foil cap while speaking to you. Good luck.
(Word has reached me that some of you would
like to purchase my fine products, the Hayden Bright Light Alien Detector, the Hayden
Anti-Bug Scoping Device, etc, but for the time being I am not allowed to traffic in these
items. I'll let you know when the Consumer Frauds Bureau comes to its senses. )
--H.H.
(**NOTE: Hyman Haydenis a member of the Paranoid Alliance
for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
McGuffin's The Untrue News
is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. For text permissions write
mcguffin@untruenews.com Dr.
Dennis Rodgers of Oak Park Michigan writes: "Dear Pamela Anderson: I would like to take you
seriously as an actress. However, I have just seen an episode of VIP, so I can't. Thanks for
wrecking another fantasy."
