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April 8, 2002
 

 

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[2002 Issues]   [2001 Issues]   [2000 Issues]   [This week's Untrue News]

SPECIAL ONE WEEK AFTER APRIL FOOL'S DAY ISSUE.
Or is it???

MAYBE HE'S GUILTY, AND MAYBE HE'S GUILTY

Jury selection began last week for the trial of Michael Skakel, a Kennedy cousin accused of murdering a young girl 26 years ago in Greenwich, CT. The trial is expected to take several weeks. Skakel's ass will be tried separately.

BESEIGED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED

Besieged by Israeli troops, Yasir Arafat remained isolated in his compound, with no light, no food, and no means of communication. Arafat told Untrue News he was not disturbed by the harsh conditions. "It's bearable" said Arafat. "At least I don't have to hide in a secret panel in the closet, like Osama." Arafat then uttered the Arabic word for "ooops."

YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY LOST...

"Chairman Arafat, the Nobel Committee is on the phone, they want their peace prize back."

THE FRIENDLY SKIES

Joyce Gurney sports a smiley airplane costume as she waits to board her flight from Los Angeles to Washington DC. Ms. Gurney told our reporter "I figure dressing up like this will relax people, and ease my passage through the tedious security checkpoints."

Shortly after this photograph was taken, Ms. Gurney was searched from cockpit to rudder.

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

News of Show Business

THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN YOU AND THE MONEY

Asked if the many US financed films being made in foreign countries would result in lost jobs, Mark Ordesky, president of Fine Line Features told Untrue News "The jobs are not lost; they've just been relocated."

While he was speaking, burglars broke into Ordesky's home and relocated his television sets, his computer, his coin collection and all of his wife's jewelry.

REFLECTIONS IN A BLACKENED EYE

WJXT-TV, which has been the CBS affiliate in Jacksonville, FL since 1949, said Wednesday that it is parting ways with the network. The station said it had no choice, since the last CBS viewer in Florida died in March.

BRYANT SAYS GOODBYE

Bryant Gumbel is leaving as host of his CBS-TV morning show. Although show biz insiders report that his contract was not renewed, Gumbel says he is leaving of his own accord. "After more than 17 years of hosting a morning news program on NBC and then hosting a morning news program on CBS," Gumbel told Untrue News, "I feel it's time for me to move on and do something else with my life."

Asked what he'd be doing, Gumbel said "I'll be looking for a job hosting a morning news program on ABC."

NO SMOKING ON THE SET

Veteran soap-opera star Michael Nader has filed a $32-million lawsuit against ABC, claiming that he was pulled off the daytime drama All My Children when he went on medical leave to enter a rehab program after his drug arrest in New York City.  Nader charges that when he recovered, he returned to the show in March only to learn that he had been written out of the script and that ABC was refusing to pay him his $436,000 annual salary.

Nader told our TV and television reporter Richard Millicent Mile "If I win, my attorney gets a third, leaving twenty million bucks for me. Man!! That'll keep me in crack for the next fifty years."

Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

WHY YOU CAN'T FIND ME.

As you might imagine, many people are looking for me. You may have tried it yourself, a little Internet search here, a little public library there, but no dice. All roads lead back to where they began.

This is, as those in the idiomatic know say, not for nothing. The reason I can't be found is because I will not let myself be found. You can protect yourself in the same way I do by following these simple steps:

1. Get a fake ID. Then become that person. This immediately removes you from social security listings, tax rolls, real estate rolls, etc. Make sure the fake ID is real enough to fool people. If you're 57 years old, don't get a college student I. D. If you're a college student, don't get an "Andy Williams Fan Club" ID. Keep it real, as the brothers say. I personally carry no ID at all. The best ID's are genuine drivers licenses. These can be obtained if you know who to talk to.

2. Don't ask me who to talk to.

3. No credit cards. Cash only. This means NO credit cards. Not even useless ones like the Discover card. Never save receipts.

4. Don't think an unlisted number will protect you. Do not own a telephone. Do not use a cell phone ever. Make all calls from pay phones using prepaid cards. Never use the same pay phone twice in one month, and if you are calling the same number over and over, vary the pay phones by as much as a mile apart each time you call. Best: Don't make phone calls.

5. Make sure your fingerprints are not on file anywhere. If you were a member of the armed services, or a bonded employee, or in law enforcement, your prints are definitely on file. Bow out of this game, or have your fingerprints changed by a professional forensic plastic surgeon, be careful to find a dishonest one who won't report you. It will be costly, but may be worth it, depending on how badly you want to play.

6. Change rooms often. You can't afford to stay in one place too long. Make sure that immediately upon moving in to your new residence you sweep the area for bugs, and then line the walls with silver foil.

6a. Try to avoid television, but if you absolutely must have a TV set, sit at least five feet from the screen and wear your silver foil hat and at least three layers of clothing at all times. Do not have cable installed for any reason. NEVER watch children's programs or The O'Reilly Factor. (Children's programs, such as Sesame Street, etc. are super-loaded with electronically altered ions aimed directly at your brain. Have you ever seen a child staring slack-jawed and glassy-eyed at a Muppet? There's a reason for that. Avoid the O'Reilly Factor because it will just make you angry.)

7. Do not own a personal computer. Do all your online work from public computers in libraries. Avoid Internet cafes as they have security cameras. Change the place you compute from each time. If you live in a town with only one library, or no public computers, the extreme solution is to break into people's homes when they are away, and use their computers. This is effective, but not recommended. If you choose this route, be sure you don't leave any DNA behind.

8. Make sure you never leave home without wearing your silver foil hat. Not tinfoil or aluminum foil. It must be genuine silver foil, available at chemical supply houses. Fashion the foil in the shape of a navy watch cap, it should fit snugly on your head and come down until it completely covers your ears. In the front, the cap should cover your forehead to eyebrow level. Decorating it with a red wool pom-pom will add to the protection.

9. In public, attempt to blend in, and do not attract attention to yourself.

Follow these rules, and the only people who will be able to locate you will be the Jehovah's Witnesses. These people are not associated with aliens and should not be feared. They will not even glance at your silver foil cap while speaking to you. Good luck.

(Word has reached me that some of you would like to purchase my fine products, the Hayden Bright Light Alien Detector, the Hayden Anti-Bug Scoping Device, etc, but for the time being I am not allowed to traffic in these items. I'll let you know when the Consumer Frauds Bureau comes to its senses. )

--H.H.

The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. For text permissions write mcguffin@untruenews.com Dr. Dennis Rodgers of Oak Park Michigan writes: "Dear Pamela Anderson: I would like to take you seriously as an actress. However, I have just seen an episode of VIP, so I can't. Thanks for wrecking another fantasy."

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