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April 22, 2002
 

 

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[2002 Issues]   [2001 Issues]   [2000 Issues]   [This week's Untrue News]

ONCE AGAIN WE ARE DEFINITELY UNDER ATTACK MAYBE

WARNING: Attorney General John Ashcroft went on television to announce the possibility of a terrorist attack this week against a financial institution somewhere in the northeast. Ashcroft said all the information was "non-specific."  Americans who will be in the northeast this week are strongly encouraged to take non-specific steps to identify non-specific terrorists. Non-specific caution is urged at non-specific financial institutions, where officers, tellers and guards have been alerted to seek out non-specific problems before they get a chance to start.


This kind of bank could be an easy target for terrorist activities.

In a related story, Attorney General Ashcroft told the media that the lack of specific knowledge about the possible attacks is the result of "faulty intelligence." Ashcroft failed to mention that the faulty intelligence is his own.

THE HEART AND MIND OF A STATESMAN
EXCLUSIVE:  An Interview With Yasir Arafat
by Untrue News  Middle East Reporter,  Muhammed al-Akhbar Finklestein.

Ramalah -- Yasir Arafat's compound smells like a camel dump, and I don't mean a place where they take old camels. There is no running water, no electricity, no telephone or toilet facilities.  As Arafat entered the room I expressed my concern that the Israeli's should allow him to exist in such conditions.  "What are you talking about?" said the leader of the Palestinian people, "Israel never got near this place."

UNTRUE NEWS: Will you ever come to terms with Ariel Sharon?
YASIR ARAFAT: Never. He is a war monger and a scoundrel and we will step on his face and kick his testicles and make him do the zug-zug with a sheep.
UNTRUE NEWS: How will you....
YASIR ARAFAT:  Wait a minute, the sheep is the reward for whoever kills him.
UNTRUE NEWS: If Sharon is gone, can Israelis and Palestinians find peaceful coexistence?
YASIR ARAFAT: As long as Israel is driven into the sea, we can co-exist peacefully with them, yes.
UNTRUE NEWS: If Sharon remains, the war will continue?
YASIR ARAFAT: The war will continue and we will win even if every last Palestinian has to strap a bomb on himself and blow himself to smithereens. And that last Palestinian, of course, will be me.
UNTRUE NEWS: Lately suicide bombings have been attempted by women.
YASIR ARAFAT: Praise Allah for that. We should have recognized long ago that blowing oneself up is a filthy job, not suitable for men.
And I laugh when I think of all those Israelis being showered with the body fragments of an unclean woman, hahahaha. Yes, it is truly funny, hahahahaha.
UNTRUE NEWS: Thank you, Chairman Arafat
YASIR ARAFAT: Yes, showered with the filth that is woman, with the unclean flesh that inspires unholy lust in every male. Allah is great.    
UNTRUE NEWS: Thank you once again sir, will your guards escort us out of the compound?
YASIR ARAFAT: Filthy, unclean women, they are an abomination to every man, tempting us towards Satan's path.  Dirty filthy sluts. Little whores. Ah. Their soft, unclean young bodies beckoning.
UNTRUE NEWS:  Chairman Arafat...
YASIR ARAFAT:  Not now.  Ahhhhhhh.  Ohhh.  Ahhhhhhh.   Achmed, give me your burnoose.

-- MaAF  (MuhammedF@untruenews.com

)


 

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE SPARROW

Actor Robert Blake's arrest in Los Angeles on charges of allegedly murdering his wife Bonny Lee Bakley has caused outrage in Connecticut, where Kennedy cousin Michael Skakel is about to stand trial for the murder of a young girl 27 years ago in Greenwich.  Skakel told Untrue News "It took them 27 years to catch me. There are a dozen books written about my crime. Now all of a sudden Blake comes along and because he was in "Baretta" a hundred years ago all the news stories are about him, and I'm supposed to take a back seat. Where is justice?

The coverage of Blake's arrest has also angered leaders of the fundamentalist Islamic terrorist organizations such as Hammas and Islamic Jihad. A spokesman for the Jihad said "To be replaced in the news stories is ridiculous. The brave terrorists who crash planes and blow up innocent civilians deserve better than this.  This Blake person only killed his wife. What is newsworthy in that?"

Both Skakel and Blake have agreed to join O.J. Simpson's hunt for the real killers. Producer Jerry Bruckheimer has been given permission to film all three for an NBC-TV  special report on celebrities who kill. Bruckheimer reports that both US and European syndication rights have already been sold.

 


 

ENRON EXECUTIVES SEEK MORE AMENDMENTS
By Untrue News special correspondent Ziggy Zubric

As the dramatic fallout of the Enron fiasco drags on, Enron executives and their lawyers are frantically searching for more constitutional amendments to invoke.  “The 5th amendment is a real winner,” Enron CEO Kenneth Lay explained, “because it allows an individual to refuse to give self-incriminating testimony.  But now we're searching for other amendments that will protect us when we lie, bilk, and screw honest people out of their life savings.”

When asked to comment this morning, President Bush said that he was not familiar enough with the Constitution to gauge Lay’s chances for success.  “But what I do know,” he said, “is that we, as a people, as a country, as a country of people, and as people that live in a country, any country, but especially this country, need to do more to help American businesses succeed.” 

Bush went on to announce his latest piece of legislation designed to give greater tax cuts to large corporations, the rich, and other greedy fucks.

-- Z.Z.  (Ziggy@untruenews.com)

 

FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET

Earth Center research and Development Center in Yokahama, a Japanese laboratory, has created a supercomputer with more processing power than 20 other supercomputers combined, according to the New York Times.  Asked how fast the computer was, The Center's chairman, Moto Saito, said "It's so fast, when it sits around the house, it sits around the house".

FREEZE

Local police officer Seth Miller shows James K. Polk grammar school students the proper position to assume if they are arrested.

 

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

 

News of Show Business
(editors Richard Millicent Mile (dick@untruenews.com) and AvonProctor (Avon@untruenews.com)

Although business has been poor in the entertainment area recently, Viacom, whose companies include Paramount, CBS, UPN and the Infinity radio group, paid salaries and bonuses of $15.3 million this week to Chairman Sumner Redstone and CEO Mel Karmazin. The money was approved by the two-man Salary and Bonus Committee, whose members are Chairman Sumner Redstone and CEO Mel Karmazin.

Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

 

We receive warning of a planned terrorist attack somewhere in the northeastern United States, and on the very next day a magnitude 5.2 earthquake hits Plattsburgh, in upstate New York, in the NORTHEAST.  Many people believe the terrorists set off this earthquake.
 
These people are wrong. There is no human technology capable of manufacturing an earthquake or making one appear at a given time.
 
And yet there was an earthquake. So if human intelligence did not cause it, what did? If you said "alien intelligence" give yourself a silver foil hat.
 
I know you have questions. I will ask and answer them for you.
Q:  Are the aliens conspiring with the terrorists?
A:  Certainly not. The aliens, as far as I can gather, hate the terrorists.
 
Q:  Why do they hate them?
A:  One cannot know the mind of an alien.
 
Q: Why did they cause the earthquake?
A: To disrupt terrorist activities. As I'm sure you are aware, no lives were lost as a result of the northeast earthquake.
 
Q: Would that mean that the aliens are actually benign, and well disposed towards human beings in general?
A: I never said they weren't.
 
Q: Is it possible these visitors from outer space try to help people, and are working secretly for the benefit of humankind?
A: It's not only possible, it's likely.
 
Q: Then why all the paranoia?
A:  Were you just unwrapped from a cabbage leaf? They're ALIENS.

--H.H.

The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. For text permissions write mcguffin@untruenews.com.  Enron article Copyright 2002 by Ziggy Zubric.

If I had a nickel for every person who ever hurt me, I'd have twelve dollars and fifty five cents, which is barely worth my trouble.

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