WARNING: Attorney General John Ashcroft went on television
to announce the possibility of a terrorist attack this week against a financial
institution somewhere in the northeast. Ashcroft said all the information was
"non-specific." Americans who will be in the northeast this week are strongly
encouraged to take non-specific steps to identify non-specific terrorists. Non-specific
caution is urged at non-specific financial institutions, where officers, tellers and
guards have been alerted to seek out non-specific problems before they get a chance to
This kind of bank could be an easy target for
In a related story, Attorney General Ashcroft told the media
that the lack of specific knowledge about the possible attacks is the result of "faulty
intelligence." Ashcroft failed to mention that the faulty intelligence is his own.
THE HEART AND MIND OF A STATESMAN EXCLUSIVE:
An Interview With Yasir Arafat by
Untrue News Middle East Reporter, Muhammed al-Akhbar Finklestein.
Ramalah -- Yasir Arafat's compound smells like a camel
dump, and I don't mean a place where they take old camels. There is no running water, no
electricity, no telephone or toilet facilities. As Arafat entered the room I
expressed my concern that the Israeli's should allow him to exist in such conditions.
"What are you talking about?" said the leader of the Palestinian people, "Israel never got
near this place."
UNTRUE NEWS: Will you ever come to terms with Ariel
Sharon? YASIR ARAFAT: Never. He is a war monger and a scoundrel and we will step on his face
and kick his testicles and make him do the zug-zug with a sheep. UNTRUE NEWS: How will you.... YASIR ARAFAT: Wait a minute, the sheep is the reward for whoever kills him.
UNTRUE NEWS: If Sharon is gone, can Israelis and Palestinians find peaceful
coexistence? YASIR ARAFAT: As long as Israel is driven into the sea, we can co-exist peacefully
with them, yes. UNTRUE NEWS: If Sharon remains, the war will continue? YASIR ARAFAT: The war
will continue and we will win even if every last Palestinian has to strap a bomb on himself
and blow himself to smithereens. And that last Palestinian, of course, will be me. UNTRUE NEWS: Lately suicide bombings have been attempted
by women. YASIR ARAFAT: Praise Allah for that. We should have
recognized long ago that blowing oneself up is a filthy job, not suitable for men. And I laugh when I think of all those
Israelis being showered with the body fragments of an unclean woman, hahahaha. Yes, it is
truly funny, hahahahaha. UNTRUE NEWS: Thank you,
Chairman Arafat YASIR ARAFAT: Yes,
showered with the filth that is woman, with the unclean flesh that inspires unholy lust in
every male. Allah is great. UNTRUE NEWS: Thank you once again sir, will your guards
escort us out of the compound? YASIR ARAFAT: Filthy, unclean women, they are an
abomination to every man, tempting us towards Satan's path. Dirty filthy sluts.
Little whores. Ah. Their soft, unclean young bodies beckoning. UNTRUE NEWS: Chairman Arafat... YASIR ARAFAT: Not now. Ahhhhhhh. Ohhh.
Ahhhhhhh. Achmed, give me your burnoose.
Actor Robert Blake's arrest in Los Angeles
on charges of allegedly murdering his wife Bonny Lee Bakley has caused outrage in Connecticut, where Kennedy cousin
Michael Skakel is about to stand trial for the murder of a young girl 27 years ago in
Greenwich. Skakel told Untrue News "It took them 27 years to catch me. There are a
dozen books written about my crime. Now all of a sudden Blake comes along and because he was
in "Baretta" a hundred years ago all the news stories are about him, and I'm supposed to take
a back seat. Where is justice?
The coverage of Blake's arrest has also angered leaders of the
fundamentalist Islamic terrorist organizations such as Hammas and Islamic Jihad. A spokesman
for the Jihad said "To be replaced in the news stories is ridiculous. The brave terrorists
who crash planes and blow up innocent civilians deserve better than this. This Blake
person only killed his wife. What is newsworthy in that?"
and Blake have agreed to join O.J. Simpson's hunt for the real killers. Producer Jerry
Bruckheimer has been given permission to film all three for an NBC-TV special report on
celebrities who kill. Bruckheimer reports that both US and European syndication rights have
already been sold.
ENRON EXECUTIVES SEEK MORE AMENDMENTS By Untrue News special correspondent Ziggy Zubric
As the dramatic fallout of the Enron fiasco drags on, Enron
executives and their lawyers are frantically searching for more constitutional amendments to
invoke. “The 5th amendment is a real winner,” Enron CEO Kenneth Lay explained, “because
it allows an individual to refuse to give self-incriminating testimony. But now we're
searching for other amendments that will protect us when we lie, bilk, and screw honest
people out of their life savings.”
When asked to comment this morning, President Bush said
that he was not familiar enough with the Constitution to gauge Lay’s chances for success.
“But what I do know,” he said, “is that we, as a people, as a country, as a country of
people, and as people that live in a country, any country, but especially this country, need
to do more to help American businesses succeed.”
Bush went on to announce his latest piece of legislation designed
to give greater tax cuts to large corporations, the rich, and other greedy fucks.
Earth Center research and Development Center in Yokahama, a
Japanese laboratory, has created a supercomputer with more processing power than
20 other supercomputers combined,
according to the New York Times. Asked how fast
the computer was, The Center's chairman, Moto Saito, said "It's so fast, when it sits
around the house, it sits around the house".
Local police officer Seth Miller shows James K. Polk grammar
school students the proper position to assume if they are arrested.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Although business has been poor in the entertainment area recently,
Viacom, whose companies include Paramount, CBS, UPN and the Infinity radio group, paid
salaries and bonuses of $15.3 million this week to Chairman Sumner Redstone and CEO Mel
Karmazin. The money was approved by the two-man Salary and Bonus Committee, whose members
are Chairman Sumner Redstone and CEO Mel Karmazin.
FILES by Untrue News
paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**
We receive warning of a planned terrorist attack
somewhere in the northeastern United States, and on the very next day a magnitude 5.2
earthquake hits Plattsburgh, in upstate New York, in the NORTHEAST. Many
people believe the terrorists set off this earthquake.
These people are wrong. There is no human technology
capable of manufacturing an earthquake or making one appear at a given time.
And yet there was an earthquake. So if human
intelligence did not cause it, what did? If you said "alien intelligence" give yourself
a silver foil hat.
I know you have questions. I will ask and answer them
Q: Are the aliens conspiring with the
A: Certainly not. The aliens, as far as I can gather, hate the terrorists.
Q: Why do they hate them?
A: One cannot know the mind of an alien.
Q: Why did they cause the earthquake?
A: To disrupt terrorist activities. As I'm sure you are aware, no lives were lost as a
result of the northeast earthquake.
Q: Would that mean that the aliens are actually
benign, and well disposed towards human beings in general?
A: I never said they weren't.
Q: Is it possible these visitors from outer space
try to help people, and are working secretly for the benefit of humankind?
A: It's not only possible, it's likely.
Q: Then why all the paranoia?
A: Were you just unwrapped from a cabbage leaf? They're ALIENS.
(**NOTE: Hyman Haydenis a member of the Paranoid Alliance
for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)