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August 12, 2002
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SPECIAL SLOW NEWS WEEK ISSUE.

NO BUGS IN THIS SYSTEM

Dr. Steven Hatfill makes a public statement Sunday in front of his attorney's office in Alexandria, Virginia.Claiming he's been harassed and intimidated by the FBI, Steven J. Hatfill, a bioweapons expert, said today that he had nothing to do with the anthrax mailings that followed the 9/11 attacks, and that he had passed a lie detector test confirming that fact.  Hatfill then lashed out at the government for attempting to railroad him. However, Hatfill admitted that he had been on the grassy knoll, firing shots at then President John F. Kennedy.

OUR ETERNAL THANKS

    Hell, courtesy of shipping and handling charges.
Ira M. Robbins, inventor of the Shipping & Handling charge, enters the seventh circle of hell.

 

LET'S PLAY DOCTOR

George W. Bush reversed some rules made during the Clinton Administration on the privacy of medical records. Bush Spokesmen sought to soothe those who fear their privacy will be invaded.

Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy G. Thompson told Untrue News "First, I had nothing to do with Enron, unlike the Secretary of the Army. Second, about this medical records thing, under Bush's new rules, the only places to which medical records can be released without patient consent are the DEA, the IRS, the CIA, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, the FBI, the Secret Service, and the Internet. So really, I don't see what the all fuss is about."

NEWS OF
SCIENCE AND MEDICINE

by McGuffin's The Untrue News Science and Medicine Reporter, Dr. Mel E. Levine

First, thanks to all of you turned down the picnics and barbecues and came to Upchuckles (Taos, New Mexico's Number One Laff Spot) for my 4th of July two pm show. Sorry about the air conditioning failure. Those of you who stayed saw the "hottest" show in town.

I'll be in Panama City, Panama on August 22, at Senor Ji-Ji's. Make it down if you can, I'm working on some great new material about how prices are so high.

In news of science and medicine, in an operation lasting over 22 hours, the conjoined Gonzales twins from Nicaragua were separated and both are said to be doing well. Complicated operations separating conjoined twins are becoming more popular since the first successful one, performed on Angelina Jolie and The Incredible Mr. Limpet.

--M.E.L.   

READ MY BRIEFS
Check out what's inside:

National Lampoon Officially Declared "No Longer Funny". 
Long overdue decision puts Lampoon in Mad category.....p. 2

District of Columbia Issues New Sewer Authority Bonds
Critics say it won't do enough to stem the tide of shit flowing from Washington.....p. 6

Broadway Theater, Dead for 30 Years, Pretends It's Alive
New productions keep on coming each season, despite everything.....Arts, p. 16

Rev Jerry Falwell Denies He's Homophobic
"I just have an irrational fear of gays" clergyman admits.....Religion, p. 22

Brits Request American Tourists Be Noisier, More Irritating
Waiter asks Yank couple "Could you possibly be more obnoxious?".....Travel, p.29

 

THE HYPOCRITE'S OATH
A McGuffin's The Untrue News editorial
by McGuffin's the Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin

The biggest name in crime these days is Dr. Sam Waksal, the research medic who scammed billions off his ImClone biotech company, then bailed out, leaving investors (except his family and his mistress/mother-substitute Martha Stewart) holding the bag.

While Untrue News is aware that under our Constitution, every person who comes before a court of law is innocent until proven guilty, we beg the courts to dispense with the Constitution in Waksal's case and find this bastard guilty without wasting one more cent of the taxpayers' money. America will thank you for it.

In our opinion, the fact that Waksal could afford a house in East Hampton is proof enough that he was stealing something from somebody. Have you seen the prices they want for those homes? Talk about stealing.

So here's a scalpel-cut from anus to navel without anesthetic for our friendly neighborhood doctor and thief, Sam Waksal, MD. Make that a scalpel with a nicked, pitted, scarred, rusty blade, operated with a slow back and forth sawing motion, and you will bring some measure of emotional satisfaction, if not financial relief to
--Mark McGuffin

 

Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News. No spam.

Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**


The Significance of the Number 12

Dear Readers, it is important to learn why the number 12 has such deep significance to our lives. You know there are 12 months in a year, 12 years in a felony sentence, 12 sentences in a paragraph. There are 12 eggs in a dozen, and 12 ounces troy weight to a pound. There are 12 ounces in 3/4 of a pint of liquid. Why?

The number 12 is the most ancient of the "combination numbers" being the first actual combination which can be made without duplication in the Arabic numeral system. It is equivalent to the letter z, which Americans pronounce "zee" and Canadians pronounce "zed."

The number is derived from Egeria, the Roman water goddess, who is often pictured carrying 12 jugs of water (invariably spilling some, thus creating the earth's lakes, oceans and rivers). However in her case, the number would have been XII and not germane to our discussion.

The number 12 manifests itself in all things. I will take random things and demonstrate how this works. Random thing number one: Le Roman de la Rose a 2 part, 22,000 line poem written by Guillaume de Loris. Part one was written in 1237. There is the number 12. Additionally, the numbers 1,2,3, and 7 add up to 13 but I told you this was part one of the poem so subtracting that 1, we have 12 again. Also, it is a poem of 22,000 lines and in 2 parts. 2 + 2 + 2 = 6 x 2 =12. You see how it all fits.

Random thing number 2: clothes moths. This is very hard to say without sounding silly. But please note there are 12 letters in "clothes moths"

Random thing number 3: God, the divinity of the great monotheistic religions. I don't think I need to tell you how the number 12 fits in here.

Random thing number 4: morning glories. These are climbing plants with funnel shaped flowers. Morning glories come in many shades, at least 12.

I think I have shown you how effective the number twelve can be in your own life as it helps you align yourself with the better forces in the world. You can see this in eggs. Surely eggs are not evil, and are sold by the dozen (12).

For yourself and your loved ones, use only the number 12, even if you are buying one pack of gum, call it 12 packs of gum.

If you have a large grocery order, get in the 12 items or less order line to confuse the forces. When you number things is a series, make every number 12.

You'll soon discover how much better your life is because you took the time to attune yourself to the number 12. Always wear your genuine silver foil hat when out of your home, or when watching TV, and the best of luck to all of you!

There are 12 paragraphs in this column.

--H.H.

The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.

 If all the states are so great, why do politicians keep telling us they come from the "great State of Montana" or the "great State of Oregon"? Are they trying to tell us that their state is greater than ours? Because we come from the "great great State of..."

 

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