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Special Birthday Issue!
If you are an affectionate, amoral female whose birthday falls between Jan 1 and Dec 31, call and see if you are eligible for a special surprise. See the bottom of this page to see who you share your birthday with!

OUR STORY GOES ON.

We are sending a clear message to you, Saddam. Get those weapons of mass destruction out of your country NOW. And when I say "now" I mean "now"
If there is even one breach of the conditions, you are squirrel meat. Just blink and you're dead.
Okay, you blinked. You shot at our aircraft. We're coming for you right now.
Right now, I mean it.
Don't try my patience, we are coming NOW.
You are in material  breach of the UN resolution. Here we come.
Don't make me tell you again.
You're just about out of time buddy.
That's it, we're invading you NOW.
What do you mean you're not in material breach?
LOSIN' OUR RELIGION

The U.S. population was put on higher alert last week after evidence surfaced of possible Al Qaeda attacks on large, well populated areas. As a result of the warnings, some Americans traveled to places where people were unlikely to gather, such as a wilderness area, a desert, or an REM concert.

 

MINIMUM SECURITY

As a reward for good behavior in prison, Dr. Kevorkian is permitted a monthly dress-up and a conjugal visit from his groupies.

WE CAN ALL SLEEP BETTER NOW

A new plan by a Pentagon research agency, if adopted, will put in place a series of supercomputers able to analyze all information transmitted over the internet. McGuffin's The Untrue News has obtained a document showing the results of one of the test runs of the information collected from a chat room and analyzed by the computers:

Welcome to the TeenScene Chat Room

TUPAC_LIVES enters
TUPAC_LIVES: Hey wat up? I be representin' Dayton, Ohio.
KoolestDude: Oh, you're from Ohio? I'll type slower.
SUPERANGELCHICK: LOLLOL ROFLMAO, DUDE!!!!
BabeMagnit: So were is everyone from?
TUPAC LIVES: Wat is dat suppose to mean?
SUPERANGELCHICK: Is from India-noplace, Indiana.
KoolestDude: is in Rochester, New York
TUPAC LIVES: Representin' Dayton Ohio.
KoolestDude: Nothin', j/k Tupac.
SUPERANGELCHICK: gtg. brb.

COMPUTER ANALYSIS:

The code must be read from the bottom up, beginning with the last line:

  • gtg = gelignite gel (component of explosive)
  • brb = battery radio bomb (type of weapon)
  • j/k = John Kennedy (assassination, terrorist code for attack)
  • Dayton Ohio, Rochester New York, or Indianapolis (coded as India-noplace) Indiana.
  • (Pointers to the specific attack location)*
  • LOLLOL = people will be lolling (unaware, unsuspecting)
  • ROFLMAO = Remind only friend, lover, mother, another one. (Warn of the disaster only your friend, lover, mother, and one other person)

*A line beginning at Rochester and moving towards Dayton and Indianapolis moves in a southwesterly direction. The next hick town along this route is Springfield, Illinois. From this it is determined that Springfield is the target. Exposing this information to the public will reduce the chances of actual attack. Immediate action is urged.

---FILE 000641763T USGDOAT

Untrue News has learned that no attack was made on Springfield, proving the correctness of the computer analysis.

THIS WEEK'S WINNERS OF THE McGUFFY, THE AWARD GIVEN TO PEOPLE WHO MAKE OUR LIVES A LITTLE BIT WORSE, AND OUR OUTLOOK A LITTLE MORE CYNICAL.

Once again, dual winners!

Erwin Chemerinsky1. Erwin Chemerinsky, the attorney for Dr. Michael J. Hason, the mentally ill doctor with a history of depression and drug dependency. Dr. Hason is suing the State of California for refusing to give him a license to practice medicine.

John Banzhaf2. John Banzhaf, the attorney for the two girls age 14 and 17 who are suing McDonald's, claiming they didn't know that a constant diet of Big Macs, fries and cokes would make them fat. (Apparently it also made them stupid).

Congratulations. The award will be sent first to Banzhaf (alphabetical). He can then consult with Chemerinsky and decide whether to keep it for six months, or a year, or whatever they decide. We ask our readers to remember the names of these attorneys, should you ever need someone to press a frivolous lawsuit on your behalf. These guys make shysters look like Clarence Darrow. --MM

Send your McGUFFY nomination to McGuffin@untruenews.com. If your submission is selected we'll ask you for money. That's all there is to it.

 

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT

Conrad wondered why his song didn't get a better reception at the retirement home.


Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News. No spam.

Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

 

 A McGuffin's Fake Ad

Doing our part!

Campbell's Soup -- Manhattan Clam Chowder.

They told us the clams were disappearing from the bay.

They said if the clams disappeared, the gulls disappeared too, and the whole eco-chain would soon collapse.

So we took action.

We found a way to make our Campbell's Manhattan clam chowder using only 1/100th of the amount of clams we once used in our fine soup. Just try to find a clam, or even a piece of clam in our 10.5 oz (formerly 12 oz) cans. You can't. Our special grinders and choppers allow us to use .000001% clam in our Manhattan clam chowder. This is just under the legal minimum as regulated by the USDA.

Does Campbell's Manhattan clam chowder still have the same great taste it always did?

Sure, why not?

Campbell's Soup. We care about our environment as much as we care about you.

Campbell's Manhattan clam chowder...same great price, and now with even fewer clam molecules than before.

Protect clams...eat chowder.

Campbell's Soup Co.
Camden, New Jersey

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.  Reminder: Only 395 more shopping days till Christmas 2003.

Did you know...

If you were born this week, you share a birthday with: Mel McDermott; Adrian Nestor; Elaine Sabotnik; Charles "Grapevine" LeClerc; Mary Ellen Roscommon; Desiree Golomb; Steve Enewei; Marlon Tadman and Gene Lavie.

 

Dedicated to Stan Burns (1923-2002), comedy writer, friend.

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