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"We've been around since before you were born, assuming you were born in 1998 or later."

NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES NOTHING

Iraq gave the UN inspection team a twelve thousand page document stating they have no weapons of mass destruction. Asked why it took twelve thousand pages to say there are no weapons, Iraq's foreign minister Tariq Aziz told Untrue News "We just keep repeating it until you believe it."  An unexpected claim in the document quotes Sadam Hussein as saying "I did not have sexual relations with that woman--Miss Lewinsky."

In a related story, McGuffin's The Untrue News was privileged to be invited on a personal tour of a baby milk factory in Baghdad. Our guide and escort was Iraqi information officer Habdul Ijaz Raimi el Shiraz-Jabbad Mustafa Hassain. He did not give his last name.

HASSAIN: Here we are, this is the baby milk factory.
MARK McGUFFIN: Why did we have to pass through so many check points with armed guards?
HASSAIN: You'd be surprised how many people want to break in here and steal the baby milk.
MM: How exactly do you manufacture baby milk?
HASSAIN: We milk babies. Ho ho, just kidding, what kind of people do you think we are?
MM: Seriously.
HASSAIN: You cannot milk a baby, that is why my joke is so funny, because you can't really do it, you need...

MM: Just tell me how baby milk is "manufactured".
HASSAIN: Come and I'll show you. You see this large machine here?
MM: Yes, it looks like a catalytic converter.
HASSAIN: It's to homogenize milk, it's a homogenizer. However, we call it a "mixer" because as you know, there are no homos in Iraq. If we find them we cut off their noses.

MM: Are you sure that's not a catalytic converter?
HASSAIN: Of course it's not. What would a converter be doing in a baby milk factory?
MM: Making chemical weapons?
HASSAIN: Can't you see the sign? It says "baby milk factory."
MM: That's just a hand-lettered cardboard sign.
HASSAIN: We aren't rich like you Americans, we cannot afford fancy neon. As a result of your embargo, the people have no food.
MM: Sadam and his entourage seem well fed.
HASSAIN: That's why the people have no food.
MM: What's this distillation tank? It looks like something used to convert ordinary chemicals into weapons-grade poisons.
HASSAIN: It's used to pasteurize the baby milk made right here in this baby milk factory.
MM: How does it work?
HASSAIN: It heats the plutoniu...it heats the milk to the proper temperature to kill germs.
MM: I don't mean to sound skeptical, but I haven't seen any milk since I've been here.
HASSAIN: We are closed today. If you come back tomorrow, you will see milk.
MM: I'm having great difficulty believing you.
HASSAIN: Many people feel that way at first, but they change their minds after hearing what our government does to non-believers.
MM: Why does the sign on that door say "DANGER: Weapons of mass destruction inside. Do not enter without proper equipment."
HASSAIN: That means nothing, it is just to keep out intruders.
MM: Can we go in there?
HASSAIN: Not without proper equipment.
MM: Alright, I've seen enough. By the way, what happened to your nose?
HASSAIN: I lost it in a...uh...scouting accident.
MM: Thank you for the tour.
HASSAIN: Anytime I can help you please feel free to call on me. If I have not been executed I will do my best to see to your needs.
MM: Right now my needs include a hot bath or shower.
HASSAIN: Sorry, I do not know these words.
 

WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN

State Trooper Bill Kudich and a glazed donut exchanged vows last Sunday and are now officially considered a couple.

 

 

YOU'VE GOT THE ANSWER

There were 2,464 replies to our latest Untrue News poll "Can Robert De Niro play comedy?"

RESULTS:
Yes: 1
No: 2,463

(We are very honored that Mr. Robert De Niro himself chose to respond to our poll).

O'NEILL TAKES ONE FOR THE TEAM

Although the White House denies it, George W. Bush's Secretary of the Treasury, Paul O'Neill, resigned under heavy pressure from administration officials. McGuffin's The Untrue News has obtained a transcript of the actual resignation request:

O'NEILL: Mr. Vice President, what can I do for you sir?
CHENEY: You can have your resignation on the President's desk by tomorrow morning.
O'NEILL: Why?
CHENEY: Because the President has to blame someone for this economic mess we're in, and you're the point man.
O'NEILL: But we wouldn't be in this mess if you had listened to me and not cut taxes.
CHENEY: We're cutting even more taxes. We're cutting all the taxes on the rich, every single one, the capital gains tax, the inheritance tax, the executive tax, the luxury tax, all business taxes except small businesses, we're adding an exemption for people who make over three million dollars annually, you get the idea. If our government can't be supported off the backs of the poor, we have no business calling ourselves Republicans.
O'NEILL: This is so wrong. You'll send the country into a depression.
CHENEY: Yes, but Georgie and I will be rich. Rich do you hear? Rich! Ahahahahaha.
O'NEILL: You bastards are already rich.
CHENEY: Ahahahahaha.


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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

SNEAK PREVIEW

Disney honcho Michael Eisner announced a new ad campaign for the cruise ship division of Walt Disney Enterprises. The theme song of the campaign is based on the familiar "Be Our Guest" from "Beauty and the Beast." McGuffin's The Untrue News sources inside Disney (not literally) have sent us the new lyric:

BE OUR GUEST, BE OUR GUEST
DISNEY CRUISES BEAT THE REST
EAT OUR FOOD AND DRINK OUR WATER
PUT OUR DOCTORS TO THE TEST

FEELIN' SICK REALLY QUICK?
SUCK IT UP, DON'T BE A DICK,
SO YOU MISS A LITTLE DINNER
THE RESULT IS, YOU'LL BE THINNER

IF YOU'RE FRAIL, JUST INHALE,
AND YOU'LL PUKE INTO A PAIL,
YOU MIGHT WIN OUR GAME OF 'WHO THROWS UP THE BEST?"
LET OUR CRUISE SHIP TAKE YOU TO
A BIG ADVENTURE AND THE FLU
A SMALL REQUEST
OF OUR GUEST,
GET SOME REST.

SEE THE WAVES, LOOK AT FISH
YOU CAN VOMIT IF YOU WISH
ALL WE ASK IS, IN THE DINING ROOM
DON'T DO IT IN YOUR DISH

THERE YOU ARE, BLESS YOUR SOUL,
ON YOUR KNEES BEFORE THE BOWL
SO YOU'RE FEELIN' NAUSEATED
THAT'S WHY MAALOX WAS CREATED

WHY THE FUSS? DON'T BLAME US.
YOU DON'T LIKE IT? TAKE THE BUS.
YEAH, WE'RE SURE THAT ALL YOUR FRIENDS WILL BE IMPRESSED.
YOUR STOMACH'S TIED IN KNOTS,
IT ISN'T HELPED BY SHOTS
WE TELL YOU IN ADVANCE
NO REFUNDS, NOT A CHANCE
SO BE OUR GUEST
BE OUR GUEST
BE OUR GUEST

We don't know about you, but here at McGuffin's The Untrue News we think we smell a hit, and quite a bit more.

 

REALITY BITES

 
Winona Ryder says: "Wow, forget about Saks 5th Avenue, if I had known about this, THIS is what I would have shoplifted. Click here. No really. I'm Winona Ryder, would I lie to you?"

 

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.  "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Hey, put down those sticks and stones. Oww! I think you broke something."

 

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