NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES NOTHING

Iraq gave the UN inspection team a twelve thousand page document stating they have no weapons of mass destruction. Asked why it took twelve thousand pages to say there are no weapons, Iraq's foreign minister Tariq Aziz told Untrue News "We just keep repeating it until you believe it."  An unexpected claim in the document quotes Sadam Hussein as saying "I did not have sexual relations with that woman--Miss Lewinsky."

In a related story, McGuffin's The Untrue News was privileged to be invited on a personal tour of a baby milk factory in Baghdad. Our guide and escort was Iraqi information officer Habdul Ijaz Raimi el Shiraz-Jabbad Mustafa Hassain. He did not give his last name.

HASSAIN: Here we are, this is the baby milk factory.
MARK McGUFFIN: Why did we have to pass through so many check points with armed guards?
HASSAIN: You'd be surprised how many people want to break in here and steal the baby milk.
MM: How exactly do you manufacture baby milk?
HASSAIN: We milk babies. Ho ho, just kidding, what kind of people do you think we are?
MM: Seriously.
HASSAIN: You cannot milk a baby, that is why my joke is so funny, because you can't really do it, you need...

MM: Just tell me how baby milk is "manufactured".
HASSAIN: Come and I'll show you. You see this large machine here?
MM: Yes, it looks like a catalytic converter.
HASSAIN: It's to homogenize milk, it's a homogenizer. However, we call it a "mixer" because as you know, there are no homos in Iraq. If we find them we cut off their noses.

MM: Are you sure that's not a catalytic converter?
HASSAIN: Of course it's not. What would a converter be doing in a baby milk factory?
MM: Making chemical weapons?
HASSAIN: Can't you see the sign? It says "baby milk factory."
MM: That's just a hand-lettered cardboard sign.
HASSAIN: We aren't rich like you Americans, we cannot afford fancy neon. As a result of your embargo, the people have no food.
MM: Sadam and his entourage seem well fed.
HASSAIN: That's why the people have no food.
MM: What's this distillation tank? It looks like something used to convert ordinary chemicals into weapons-grade poisons.
HASSAIN: It's used to pasteurize the baby milk made right here in this baby milk factory.
MM: How does it work?
HASSAIN: It heats the plutoniu...it heats the milk to the proper temperature to kill germs.
MM: I don't mean to sound skeptical, but I haven't seen any milk since I've been here.
HASSAIN: We are closed today. If you come back tomorrow, you will see milk.
MM: I'm having great difficulty believing you.
HASSAIN: Many people feel that way at first, but they change their minds after hearing what our government does to non-believers.
MM: Why does the sign on that door say "DANGER: Weapons of mass destruction inside. Do not enter without proper equipment."
HASSAIN: That means nothing, it is just to keep out intruders.
MM: Can we go in there?
HASSAIN: Not without proper equipment.
MM: Alright, I've seen enough. By the way, what happened to your nose?
HASSAIN: I lost it in a...uh...scouting accident.
MM: Thank you for the tour.
HASSAIN: Anytime I can help you please feel free to call on me. If I have not been executed I will do my best to see to your needs.
MM: Right now my needs include a hot bath or shower.
HASSAIN: Sorry, I do not know these words.
 

Disney honcho Michael Eisner announced a new ad campaign for the cruise ship division of Walt Disney Enterprises. The theme song of the campaign is based on the familiar "Be Our Guest" from "Beauty and the Beast." McGuffin's The Untrue News sources inside Disney (not literally) have sent us the new lyric:

We don't know about you, but here at McGuffin's The Untrue News we think we smell a hit, and quite a bit more.