<%@ Language=JavaScript %> February 12, 2002
February 12, 2002
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Untrue News is rated PG and not intended for persons under the age of 16. This issue contains Mild Humor (MH), Brief Sexual Innuendo (BSI), and puns (PU).


EXTRA SPECIAL VALENTINE'S ISSUE

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I GREET YOU IN CONFIDENCE

http://untruenews.com2000 people are thought to be dead after a huge explosion ripped through a section of Lagos, Nigeria. The Nigerian government was quick to respond, telling news agencies: "Most cordial greetings. I have ten million dollars I must move out of Nigeria, and I wish to transfer it to your account, as you seem like a trustworthy person. What is your bank account number?"

WHO WAS THAT LADY?

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Asked about the ongoing tribal warfare in Afghanistan, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told Untrue News "Under the old system, it was warlord against warlord. But now it's the other way around." Later, Rumsfeld apologized for switching an old joke and presenting it as a legitimate news item, saying "At the time I was totally out of ideas."

CONTRABAND

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The James K. Polk middle school band's trumpet section in concert, as they play either "I Love A Rainy Night" or "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head."

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

The President will ask Congress to approve a budget in excess of three trillion dollars. That's almost as much as Enron stole.

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Asked about the size of the budget, Bush told Untrue News "It seems like a lot, but I checked with the Vice President, and he says it's fine."

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

WELL RECUUUUUSE ME!

http://untruenews.comAttorney General John Ashcroft recused himself from the Enron case because he had taken $57,000 from Enron in his failed bid for the Senate in 2000. His chief of staff also recused himself, since he was Mr. Ashcroft's 2000 campaign manager. Every other Republican and Democratic Senator and cabinet member asked for recusal for similar reasons. Apparently the only people who didn't make money off Enron are its employees and shareholders.

Interesting anagram: You can rearrange the letters in 'ENRON EXECUTIVE" to form the phrase "THIEVING BASTARD"

TRY THE CATFISH

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America's oldest man, Harry Carson, 109, visits Los Angeles' Chinatown, and scoops up some of America's oldest dumplings.

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OUR LUCRATIVE CONTESTS AND GAMES

VALENTINE'S DAY CONTEST, FOR WOMEN ONLY.

Women! Here's your chance to win our Valentine Contest. It's free to enter. Just send us an email detailing your most romantic, passionate, hottest sexual experience. Don't be afraid to use frank language and descriptions. Recent photo helpful. Winner(s) will get to meet Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin in person.


WINNERS OF THE UNTRUE NEWS ESSAY CONTEST FOR 9TH GRADERS,
TOPIC "WHAT IS UNCOOL ABOUT TERRORISM AND TERRORISTS?":

First prize
WHAT IS UNCOOL ABOUT TERRORISM AND TERRORISTSFirst prize essay winner: WHAT IS UNCOOL ABOUT TERRORISM AND TERRORISTS?

by Stephanie Ann Conolly age 15
James K. Polk middle school

What is uncool about terrorism and terrorists, everything!!!!!! Becuz it is highly uncool 2 kill people even if u blow urself up to cuz they didnt do anything 2 u. And cuz they r jellus that we have a democrisy and they dont they have to do what there leader says and we dont. And they dont look all that hot cuz of the scruffy beards and everything and did u ev r smell 1 so they are uncool to. Thats y I am glad to be were I live and not were I would have to ware a vail cuz Im a female and be denide a educatin . Also this is not that every terrorist is bad just the bad ones. So that is what's uncool about it.

--Steffie
Sk8rgurl@toocutesy.com

Second prize
WHAT IS UNCOOL ABOUT TERRORISM AND TERRORISTSSecond prize essay winner: WHAT IS UNCOOL ABOUT TERRORISM AND TERRORISTS?

by Alexis Lynne Miller age 14
James K. Polk middle school

What is uncool about terrorism is that they kill people for no good reason anyone can think of, it's really stupid, and what is uncool about tourists is that they are always rubbernecking and not watching where they are going and they are rude to my mom when they come in the restaurant.

--Alexis
Lexi16@littlepoohthebear.com

1st prize is a trip to New York City, with 7 day accommodations at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel, a chauffeured limousine, dinner at Alain DuCasse, Bernardin, and the Hard Rock Cafe, plus two tickets to a Broadway show. (All expenses to be borne by winner)

2nd prize is a video tape of "Autumn Leaves" starring Joan Crawford. (billed to 2nd prize winner)

ATTENTION WINNERS: Just send us the price of your prize and we'll make all the arrangements. (1st prize $7,500, second prize $14.99. Please add $21.95 shipping & handling. McGuffin, Box 111, Mombasa, Kenya)

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. Can Enron come back? Who will be the last person to make money off Enron? For a complete report, send $40. to McGuffin, Box 111, Delos, Greece. Please add $21.95 S&H.

 

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