Untrue News is rated PG and not intended for persons under the
age of 16. This issue contains Mild Humor (MH), Brief Sexual Innuendo (BSI), and puns (PU).
EXTRA SPECIAL
VALENTINE'S ISSUE
I GREET YOU IN CONFIDENCE
2000 people are
thought to be dead after a huge explosion ripped through a section of Lagos, Nigeria.
The Nigerian government was quick to respond, telling news agencies: "Most cordial
greetings. I have ten million dollars I must move out of Nigeria, and I wish to
transfer it to your account, as you seem like a trustworthy person. What is your bank
account number?"
WHO WAS THAT LADY?
Asked about the ongoing tribal warfare in Afghanistan,
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told Untrue News "Under the old system, it was
warlord against warlord. But now it's the other way around." Later, Rumsfeld apologized
for switching an old joke and presenting it as a legitimate news item, saying "At the
time I was totally out of ideas."
CONTRABAND
The James K. Polk middle school band's trumpet section in
concert, as they play either "I Love A Rainy Night" or "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My
Head."
YOUR
TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
The President will ask
Congress to approve a budget in excess of three trillion dollars. That's almost as much
as Enron stole.
Asked about the size of
the budget, Bush told Untrue News "It seems like a lot, but I checked with the Vice
President, and he says it's fine."
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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
WELL RECUUUUUSE ME!
Attorney General John Ashcroft recused himself from the
Enron case because he had taken $57,000 from Enron in his failed bid for the Senate in
2000. His chief of staff also recused himself, since he was Mr. Ashcroft's 2000
campaign manager. Every other Republican and Democratic Senator and cabinet member
asked for recusal for similar reasons. Apparently the only people who didn't make money
off Enron are its employees and shareholders.
Interesting anagram: You can rearrange the letters in
'ENRON EXECUTIVE" to form the phrase "THIEVING BASTARD"
TRY THE CATFISH
America's oldest man, Harry Carson, 109, visits Los
Angeles' Chinatown, and scoops up some of America's oldest dumplings.
OUR LUCRATIVE CONTESTS AND GAMES
VALENTINE'S DAY CONTEST, FOR WOMEN ONLY.
Women! Here's your chance to win our Valentine Contest. It's
free to enter. Just send us an email detailing your most romantic, passionate, hottest sexual
experience. Don't be afraid to use frank language and descriptions. Recent photo helpful.
Winner(s) will get to meet Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin in person.
WINNERS OF THE UNTRUE NEWS ESSAY CONTEST FOR 9TH GRADERS,
TOPIC "WHAT IS UNCOOL ABOUT TERRORISM AND TERRORISTS?":
First prize
WHAT IS UNCOOL ABOUT TERRORISM AND TERRORISTS
by Stephanie Ann Conolly age 15
James K. Polk middle school
What is uncool about terrorism and terrorists, everything!!!!!!
Becuz it is highly uncool 2 kill people even if u blow urself up to cuz they didnt do
anything 2 u. And cuz they r jellus that we have a democrisy and they dont they have to do
what there leader says and we dont. And they dont look all that hot cuz of the scruffy
beards and everything and did u ev r smell 1 so they are uncool to. Thats y I am glad to be
were I live and not were I would have to ware a vail cuz Im a female and be denide a
educatin . Also this is not that every terrorist is bad just the bad ones. So that is
what's uncool about it.
by Alexis Lynne Miller age 14
James K. Polk middle school
What is uncool about terrorism is that they kill people for no
good reason anyone can think of, it's really stupid, and what is uncool about tourists is
that they are always rubbernecking and not watching where they are going and they are rude
to my mom when they come in the restaurant.
1st prize is a trip to New York City, with 7 day accommodations
at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel, a chauffeured limousine, dinner at Alain DuCasse, Bernardin,
and the Hard Rock Cafe, plus two tickets to a Broadway show. (All expenses to be borne by
winner)
2nd prize is a video tape of "Autumn Leaves" starring Joan
Crawford. (billed to 2nd prize winner)
ATTENTION WINNERS: Just send us the price of your prize
and we'll make all the arrangements. (1st prize $7,500, second prize $14.99. Please add
$21.95 shipping & handling. McGuffin, Box 111, Mombasa, Kenya)
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC.
All rights reserved. Can Enron come back? Who will be the last person to make money off
Enron? For a complete report, send $40. to McGuffin, Box 111, Delos, Greece. Please add
$21.95 S&H.
First prize
