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February 25, 2002
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McGuffin's The Untrue News is recommended for persons over the age of 16, and smart ones at that. If you are under 16 years of age, or a stupid person, or both, there will not be much here for you.

Looking for pictures of HALLE BERRY NUDE? Would you like to see some NUDE PHOTOS OF HALLE BERRY? Do you long to see NAKED PIX OF HALLE BERRY? Lots of us would. But Untrue News isn't that kind of publication. It would probably be illegal for us to publish them.

Special! Winter Olympic Closing Ceremonies Issue.
"Our long international nightmare is over."


George W. Bush's plan to wage war against the axis of evil:

THE JUSTICE FILES

Carolyn Condit, wife of Representative Gary Condit is suing the National Enquirer for libel, claiming an Enquirer story reporting that she attacked Chandra Levy, the missing Washington intern with whom her husband admitted having a relationship, was false. Mrs. Condit told Untrue News "I'm not a perfect person. I've made some mistakes in my life, but Gary and I, or rather, I should say I, had nothing to do with Ms. Levy's disappear...I mean her attack. Or her disappearance either, I had nothing to do with that. Stop accusing me with innuendo and false stories." Mrs. Condit, whose skin is a mottled bilious green and who is just over eight feet tall with stringy hair said "And stop printing unflattering descriptions of me."

 

A CROOK BY ANY OTHER NAME

Enron is thinking about changing it's corporate name, because of the negative associations with their current name. Untrue News suggests "The Miserable Thieving Asswipes Who Should Be Tortured With Branding Irons For The Next Fifty Years Incorporated."

 

George W. Bush's alternate plan to the Kyoto global warming accords:

AN UNTRUE NEWS PAID POLITICAL ENDORSEMENT.

(Untrue News strives to be as objective as possible. However, if we are offered enough money we will endorse a candidate regardless of what we believe. --Mark McGuffin, editor)

 
Representative James A. Traficant Jr. (D-OHIO) said he planned to run for re-election as an independent. He made the announcement in the middle of his corruption trial. Untrue News endorses Rep. Traficant, and believes his background of accepting bribes, tax falsification, and racketeering assure he will get along well with other members of Congress.

 

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

News of Science and Medicine

JUST WHAT WE NEED.  ANOTHER CAT.
by Dr. Mel E. Levine (the guy whose initials are his name),
Untrue News Science and Medicine editor

In science news, scientists have cloned a cat. Before discussing that, I'd like to thank everyone who came to my "Sunday after Mardi Gras" performance at The Laugh Pump in Slidell Louisiana. There weren't many of you, but it was cool of you to come. Sorry you had to go before I finished my act, because I broke in some great new material which you can hear on Monday March 4, the 2AM show at The Joke's On You, on Airport Road between Saturn and Phillip in Pierre, South Dakota. Please come if you are in the area. About cat cloning, the process is complex and defies description for the layman. I'm not too sure about the mechanics of it myself. Anyway, the United States sees cat cloning as a way to inspire more medical research, and the Chinese government sees it as a solution to world hunger. Hey, you've been great. Drive safely. --MEL

NO COMMENT

We were going to caption this picture, but it's too easy.

ISN'T CLEO THE NAME OF THE GOLDFISH IN PINOCCHIO?

Miss Cleo, the so-called shaman whose Psychic Friends Network telephone service has been permitted to continue operations while being sued by several states for wire fraud, is being investigated by the Federal Trade Commission.

In an exclusive interview with Untrue News, Miss Cleo told us "Mon, de FTC will shut Miss Cleo down, an' Miss Cleo herself will face some serious jail time, not to mention lawsuits dat will keep Miss Cleo in court for de res' of her life. So why not give me a call right now?"

George W. Bush's plan to insure equal education for all:

OUR LUCRATIVE CONTESTS AND GAMES

Members of the James K. Polk Middle School debate team display their awards after finishing first in the regional championship. The Polk team, who bested Brocklin Middle School, took the pro position in the debate RESOLVED: TERRORISM IS BAD.


WINNERS OF OUR
"YOU CAN TELL YOUR GETTING OLDER"
COMPETITION

MEN: You can tell you're getting older when the only thing that's hard is your arteries.  (Dr. Mel E. Levine, Batavia, New York *)

WOMEN: You can tell you're getting older when you get damp for the wrong reason. (Lorri Potter, Bethel, Connecticut)


Funny stuff, winners! You folks ought to see about getting jobs on some sitcom or with Jay Leno. First place winner receives a 1996 Annual World Almanac (used). Second place winner receives a 1994 Annual World Almanac (used). These fine volumes were once the property of Untrue News, and have editor Mark McGuffin's signature on the inside front cover, along with the printed admonition "HANDS OFF!!" We'll send them to you as soon as we receive your check for $21.95 shipping and handling. Thanks and congratulations! McGuffin, Box 111, Reykjavik, Iceland.

 *Full disclosure: Dr. Mel E. Levine is the science and medicine editor for Untrue News, and a semi-professional stand up comedian.


George W. Bush's plan to fight terrorism:

 

Things to do today:

  • 1.  Follow Kant's categorical imperative and behave as though one's actions were universal law
  • 2.  Pick up 2 lbs skinless chicken breasts
  • 3.  Haircut

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.

QUESTION: If a car thief can strip a car in an hour, how come it takes six hours for the dealer to service it?

George W. Bush's plan to save Social Security:

By now you know what it is, don't you?

 

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