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"Hoppy New Year to All"

 

THE YEAR IN REVIEW

OUR REPORTERS AND EDITORS SELECT THE FIVE MOST SIGNIFICANT EVENTS OF 2001:

  • 5. Barbra Streisand's 4th Farewell Tour
  • 4. Traffic stop leads to arrest of 20 year old New Haven man for cocaine possession. (March, 2001)
  • 3. Barbra Streisand's 5th Farewell Tour
  • 2. Boar's Head brand meat and cheese company moves from Brooklyn to Sarasota, Florida. (April 2001)
  • 1. Rev. Al Sharpton jailed for civil disobedience while protesting Navy bombing practice on the island of Vieques, Puerto Rico. (May 2001)

As you can see from the above list, 2001 has been quite a year, quite a year indeed.

 

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

Jan. 1, 2002

WHERE'S OSAMA?

Join the Hunt For Osama Bin Laden.

 

DIPLOMATIC IMPUNITY

That's it, Mr. Ambassador just a little lower and..ah, yes, just like that, I think we can start talking about...ahhh.....increasing loans...mmm....to your country...yes, ohhh yes!!

 

PAWK

The government has charged Tyson Foods Inc., the nation's largest meat processor and six of its employees with conspiring to transport illegal immigrants across the Mexican border and help them get counterfeit work papers for jobs at more than a dozen Tyson poultry plants. The indictment said that, to meet production and profit goals, Tyson officials would contact local smugglers near its plants to get more workers. A law enforcement source familiar with the indictment against Tyson told Untrue News: "In the communities where these plants are located there isn't an alternative work force. They'd have to raise wages and improve the conditions if they wanted to attract American workers."

Seething at the indictment, A Tyson spokesman said "Raise wages? Improve conditions? What is this, some kind of Utopia? We've worked long and hard to make sure we only have to pay these wetbacks six dollars an hour, instead of the prevailing eighteen dollars union members would make. We busted the unions long ago, and that's what's great about living in America. We can bust unions. We can screw workers. We can ignore sanitary conditions. Try doing that in some of your third-world countries and see how far you get."


Tyson's new slogan "Where the working conditions are as good as our chickens." Tyson is also planning a new ad campaign "Find a human thumb in your chicken, get a box of Tater Tots free."
 

 

SNOWBOUND

Albino rescue worker in white snowsuit eats marshmallows while riding white stallion through streets of Buffalo, NY in a blizzard.

Same picture, reverse polarity. 

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

IT'S MY MONEY, I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO

According to an article in the Los Angeles Times, TV networks' rising budgets and shrinking ad revenues have created a new pay scale for writers and producers for whom salary reductions have become a sad reality. The broadcast networks, caught between escalating prices and plummeting advertising revenues, are cutting costs by hundreds of millions of dollars a year. Slashing the salaries of producers and writers will account for much of the savings. Untrue News TV and television critic Richard Millicent Mile says "I can't believe that the creators of "Moesha" are worth one penny less than what they're getting now."

When a reporter asked a spokesman if there would be any cuts in the salaries of major network executives, he was taken from the room by armed security guards and beaten senseless.

 

DON'T FAIL TO MISS THESE IF YOU CAN

McGuffin's top five movie selections from 2001, with comments by Untrue News movie and film critic, Avon Proctor.

5. Freddy Got Fingered ("Not just funny, but chew-with-your-mouth-open, pick-your-nose-in-public, fart in an elevator funny.")

4. Evolution ("Any movie starring David Duchovny just has to be fantastic, especially if you love somnambulistic underplaying, and this one is no exception.")

3. The Mod Squad ("Despite the fact that this movie opened in 1999, it's so modern ("mod") in conception we have to put it on the 2001 list.")

2. Mrs. Doubtfire ("This movie was released in 1993 and we're just catching up with it. But in our view, Robin Williams in drag belongs on everyone's best list, anytime.")

1. Ghosts of Mars ("Natasha Henstridge, Ice Cube and Pam Greer have never been better.")

If YOU have a list of your top movies of 2001, keep it to yourself, or get your own online newsletter and publish it there, but let us alone, okay? Thanks. --the editors 

LETTERS TO UNTRUE NEWS

Actual letters from our readers.

Mary L [address deleted for security] writes:

"Recently, my purse was stolen from my office and work. My mother decided to call Miss Cleo to see who the villain was that stole my purse. My mother did not speak with Miss Cleo, but she spoke with someone by the name of Miss Bianca. Bianca told my mother that my purse would be placed back in my office on the next Tuesday. Well a month has passed by and I still don't have my purse back. What my mother and I do have is a $92.00 phone bill from Bianca lies. Please publish this message to let other individuals know not to be fool (sic) by Miss Cleo and her colleagues."

Mark McGuffin Replies:

Mary, thanks for your email. Up to this point we had believed totally in Miss Cleo, but your story has shown us that even great psychics make mistakes. I am going to call Miss Cleo and suggest she have Miss Bianca fired. There is no room for fakes and frauds in the psychic business. --Mark McGuffin, editor, Untrue News

 

IS THIS YOUR LUCKY DAY???

ARE YOU A WINNER? Check the copyright notice in our online edition, http://untruenews.com. If the moon in the lower right hand corner is winking at you, YOU WIN! Congratulations. For a complete list of winners send $179.50 plus $21.95 S&H to McGuffin, Box 111, Gaborone, Botswana. (be sure to use 80 cents postage on your letter)
 

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God Bless America.

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