<%@ Language=JavaScript %> January 14, 2002


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If your birthday is January 14th, you're lucky! Donna Reed, Humphrey Bogart and Jeanette MacDonald died on this date, and you're still alive.

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January 14, 2002

FLASH: AS WE GO TO PRESS...

President George W. Bush sports a shiner received from a terrorist pretzelPresident Bush is reported to have briefly fainted after choking on a pretzel while watching a football game on television. The president is said to be in no danger, and told Untrue News "with our boys over in Afghanistan suffering and dying, this is the least I can do."

Secret Service agents swept the oval offices for any other items that might present a choking hazard.

 

HUNT CONTINUES FOR BIG O.

In his most forceful statement since the terrorist attacks of 9-11, President Bush told the American People:

 

"Afghanistan is free. But our war on terrorism is not over. We must hunt down and find Osama bin Laden, wherever he is, however long it takes, however much it costs. Or not. He may be hiding in Pakistan, or southern Afghanistan, or he may be dead. We just don't know. But eventually, we'll find out. And we will find him. And we'll bring him to justice. Or we won't. That is what lies ahead for all terrorists."

President Bush said that whatever the results of the search for bin Laden, it would not affect his desire to return huge sums of money to large corporations.

 

HAND TO HAND COMBAT

State Police officer Roger Ricks uses a training dummy to demonstrate how to shoot someone found masturbating in public.

State Police officer Roger Ricks uses a training dummy to demonstrate how to shoot someone found masturbating in public.

IN THE RED

Enron's accountants, The Arthur Andersen firm, told government lawyers they shredded or otherwise destroyed hundreds of documents which could have been used in the Enron investigation.

An Andersen spokeswoman, Hannelore Laufenberg, told Untrue News "We did shred documents, but only to cover our own asses and hide evidence of illegal activity. Wait. Maybe I've said a little too much. Please don't publish that."

 

BUSH DOWN UNDER

George W. Bush will visit Perth, Australia on Feb 1. It's part of the Bush plan to put as much distance as possible between himself and Enron. "Hell, I'd go to the damn moon if I had to." said the President.

In a related story, Attorney General John Ashcroft recused himself from the Enron investigation because Enron contributed heavily to his coffers when he was a Senator. Ashcroft told a press conference "If Enron executives are found not guilty of illegal activity, it will not be because they are personal friends of mine and the President's. It will be because the judges are personal friends of mine and the President's."

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HIGH ON LACROSSE

Ted Gulford (in white) readies his stick for a shot during a local high school lacrosse match. Ted told Untrue News "I hope to become a professional lacrosse player so I can earn a huge salary and get plenty of those lucrative commercial endorsements."

 

BUT THE FIRE IS SO DELIGHTFUL

Good News for Canadians. The Canadian Long-range Weather Service predicts warm weather will come early to most of Canada this year, around July 17th.

FORD TO AMERICA: DROP DEAD

The Ford Motor Company will close five plants in an effort to reduce expenses. 22,000 people in the USA are expected to lose their jobs. Ford Chairman and CEO William Clay Ford Jr. said the company had strayed from their primary goal of making quality automobiles "and it cost us dearly. And by 'us' I mean 'you'. "

Bristling at criticism that Ford is screwing their workers, Mr. Ford told Untrue News "If the workers want their jobs so badly, they can apply at our plants in Thailand and Guatemala".

 

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