If your birthday is January 14th, you're
lucky! Donna Reed, Humphrey Bogart and Jeanette MacDonald died on this date, and you're still
alive.
"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."
January 14, 2002
FLASH: AS WE GO TO PRESS...
President
Bush is reported to have briefly fainted after choking on a pretzel while watching a football
game on television. The president is said to be in no danger, and told Untrue News "with our
boys over in Afghanistan suffering and dying, this is the least I can do."
Secret Service agents swept the oval offices for any other items
that might present a choking hazard.
HUNT CONTINUES FOR BIG O.
In his most forceful statement since the terrorist attacks
of 9-11, President Bush told the American People:
"Afghanistan is free. But our war on terrorism is not over.
We must hunt down and find Osama bin Laden, wherever he is, however long it takes,
however much it costs. Or not. He may be hiding in Pakistan, or southern Afghanistan, or
he may be dead. We just don't know. But eventually, we'll find out. And we will find him.
And we'll bring him to justice. Or we won't. That is what lies ahead for all terrorists."
President Bush said that whatever the results of the search
for bin Laden, it would not affect his desire to return huge sums of money to large
corporations.
HAND TO HAND COMBAT
State Police officer Roger Ricks uses a training dummy to
demonstrate how to shoot someone found masturbating in public.
IN THE RED
Enron's accountants, The
Arthur Andersen firm, told government lawyers they shredded or otherwise destroyed
hundreds of documents which could have been used in the Enron investigation.
An
Andersen spokeswoman, Hannelore Laufenberg, told Untrue News "We did shred documents, but
only to cover our own asses and hide evidence of illegal activity. Wait. Maybe I've said
a little too much. Please don't publish that."
BUSH DOWN UNDER
George W. Bush will visit Perth, Australia on Feb 1. It's part of the Bush plan to put as much
distance as possible between himself and Enron. "Hell, I'd go to the damn moon if I had to."
said the President.
In a related story, Attorney General John Ashcroft recused himself from the Enron investigation
because Enron contributed heavily to his coffers when he was a Senator. Ashcroft told a press
conference "If Enron executives are found not guilty of illegal activity, it will not be
because they are personal friends of mine and the President's. It will be because the judges
are personal friends of mine and the President's."
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HIGH ON LACROSSE
Ted Gulford (in white) readies his stick for a shot during
a local high school lacrosse match. Ted told Untrue News "I hope to become a professional
lacrosse player so I can earn a huge salary and get plenty of those lucrative commercial
endorsements."
BUT THE FIRE IS SO DELIGHTFUL
Good News for Canadians. The Canadian Long-range Weather
Service predicts warm weather will come early to most of Canada this year, around July
17th.
FORD TO AMERICA: DROP DEAD
The
Ford Motor Company will close five plants in an effort to reduce expenses. 22,000 people in the
USA are expected to lose their jobs. Ford Chairman and CEO William Clay Ford Jr. said the
company had strayed from their primary goal of making quality automobiles "and it cost us
dearly. And by 'us' I mean 'you'. "
Bristling at criticism that Ford is screwing their workers, Mr.
Ford told Untrue News "If the workers want their jobs so badly, they can apply at our plants in
Thailand and Guatemala".
Enron's accountants, The
Arthur Andersen firm, told government lawyers they shredded or otherwise destroyed
hundreds of documents which could have been used in the Enron investigation. 
An
Andersen spokeswoman, Hannelore Laufenberg, told Untrue News "We did shred documents, but
only to cover our own asses and hide evidence of illegal activity. Wait. Maybe I've said
a little too much. Please don't publish that." 
BUSH DOWN UNDER
heavily to his coffers when he was a Senator. Ashcroft told a press
conference "If Enron executives are found not guilty of illegal activity, it will not be
because they are personal friends of mine and the President's. It will be because the judges
are personal friends of mine and the President's."
The
Ford Motor Company will close five plants in an effort to reduce expenses. 22,000 people in the
USA are expected to lose their jobs. Ford Chairman and CEO William Clay Ford Jr. said the
company had strayed from their primary goal of making quality automobiles "and it cost us
dearly. And by 'us' I mean 'you'. " 
