SPECIAL ISSUE: ENRON, CREATING ALL THE POWER AND
ENERGY NECESSARY TO STEAL YOUR MONEY
Former Enron CEO Kenneth (Kenny Boy) Lay has resigned his
position and hired a criminal lawyer, according to Houston news sources.
In a recent interview, Lay told Untrue News "Just because
I've hired a criminal attorney doesn't mean I've done anything criminal. In fact, just
the opposite. If I had ignored my chance to steal fifty million dollars from an
unsuspecting public in a stock scam, THAT would have been criminal." Asked what the
future held, Lay replied "Don't worry about me. I've got dollars stashed in countries you
haven't even heard of."
INNOCENT BY ASSOCIATION
A freelance public relations expert in Washington DC
says she is positive politicians at the highest level were unaware of any
wrongdoing by Enron executives.
Publicist Hannelore Laufenberg said "Former
Presidents Thomas Jefferson, John Quincey Adams and James K. Polk never had a clue
that the Enron executives were thieves. And still don't." (Ms. Laufenberg
heads Laufenberg Associates, a publicity firm.)
WE RECOMMEND: In addition to full restitution to
shareholders and employees, Untrue News suggests that each person whose retirement
fund was lost in the Enron collapse be permitted to hit Kenny Boy once in the face.
The 28 biggest losers get to extract his teeth.
BYE BYE BAXTER
Former Enron executive Cliff Baxter shot himself after leaving a suicide
note. Baxter, who resigned from the company last May, made $35 million profit
selling his Enron stock at the top of the market. Untrue news offers a free handgun
and bullet to every Enron executive, accountant, and attorney who follows Mr.
In a related story, Untrue News has learned that Enron
executives are not well known to the general public. In a recent survey, 56% of the
people questioned thought "Kenneth Lay" made potato chips, and 60% thought "Cliff
Baxter" was Jim Belushi's wacky next door neighbor
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
YOU THE PEOPLE SPEAK
In a recent Untrue News reader survey we asked if Al
Qaeda prisoners held in Cuba were being treated humanely. Results: 100% of readers
polled said "Who cares?"
THE DRUG ECONOMY
Detective Ellis Ridge displays marijuana and cash
confiscated from an alleged drug dealer after a recent traffic stop. Detective
Ridge told Untrue News "What you see displayed here is fifty pounds of high grade
marijuana and six thousand dollars in cash. Wait, I mean 25 pounds of marijuana and
three thousand in cash. No, wait, make that a kilo of marijuana and no cash at
THE CLEANUP CREW
A fleet of 300 rental trucks has been ordered by the
White House maintenance staff. The trucks will be employed to haul away the
bullshit following President Bush's State of the Union address.
Starbucks employees analyze their company's coffee in
an attempt to figure out why it costs $4.00 a cup. The analysis revealed the
company's secret ingredient: greed.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
SORRY, YOU'VE LOST ALL YOUR DATA, NOT OUR FAULT.
The Security and Exchange commission reports that Microsoft
founder Bill Gates has made a personal investment of $500 million in Cox Communications.
The investment appears to be show that Mr. Gates is actively pursuing an alliances with
the cable industry. This comes as good news to consumers who want their cable channels to
crash as much as Windows XT. "It should revolutionize the industry" said Cable
spokesperson Angela Whitfield. "If Gates gets his hands on cable, people will be able to
feel the same sense of heart-wrenching frustration experienced by users of Internet
Explorer." When a reporter attempted to reach Mr. Gates by telephone, he was told Mr.
Gates phone lines were experiencing "application errors."