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January 28, 2002
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SPECIAL ISSUE:  ENRON, CREATING ALL THE POWER AND ENERGY NECESSARY TO STEAL YOUR MONEY

GETTING LAYED

Former Enron CEO Kenneth (Kenny Boy) Lay has resigned his position and hired a criminal lawyer, according to Houston news sources.

In a recent interview, Lay told Untrue News "Just because I've hired a criminal attorney doesn't mean I've done anything criminal. In fact, just the opposite. If I had ignored my chance to steal fifty million dollars from an unsuspecting public in a stock scam, THAT would have been criminal." Asked what the future held, Lay replied "Don't worry about me. I've got dollars stashed in countries you haven't even heard of."

 

INNOCENT BY ASSOCIATION

A freelance public relations expert in Washington DC says she is positive politicians at the highest level were unaware of any wrongdoing by Enron executives.

Publicist Hannelore Laufenberg said "Former Presidents Thomas Jefferson, John Quincey Adams and James K. Polk never had a clue that the Enron executives were thieves. And still don't." (Ms. Laufenberg heads Laufenberg Associates, a publicity firm.)

IMMODEST PROPOSAL

WE RECOMMEND: In addition to full restitution to shareholders and employees, Untrue News suggests that each person whose retirement fund was lost in the Enron collapse be permitted to hit Kenny Boy once in the face. The 28 biggest losers get to extract his teeth.

BYE BYE BAXTER

Former Enron executive Cliff Baxter shot himself after leaving a suicide note. Baxter, who resigned from the company last May, made $35 million profit selling his Enron stock at the top of the market. Untrue news offers a free handgun and bullet to every Enron executive, accountant, and attorney who follows Mr. Baxter's example.

In a related story, Untrue News has learned that Enron executives are not well known to the general public. In a recent survey, 56% of the people questioned thought "Kenneth Lay" made potato chips, and 60% thought "Cliff Baxter" was Jim Belushi's wacky next door neighbor

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

YOU THE PEOPLE SPEAK

In a recent Untrue News reader survey we asked if Al Qaeda prisoners held in Cuba were being treated humanely. Results: 100% of readers polled said "Who cares?"

THE DRUG ECONOMY

Detective Ellis Ridge displays marijuana and cash confiscated from an alleged drug dealer after a recent traffic stop. Detective Ridge told Untrue News "What you see displayed here is fifty pounds of high grade marijuana and six thousand dollars in cash. Wait, I mean 25 pounds of marijuana and three thousand in cash. No, wait, make that a kilo of marijuana and no cash at all."

 

 

THE CLEANUP CREW

A fleet of 300 rental trucks has been ordered by the White House maintenance staff. The trucks will be employed to haul away the bullshit following President Bush's State of the Union address.

JAVA JIVE

Starbucks employees analyze their company's coffee in an attempt to figure out why it costs $4.00 a cup. The analysis revealed the company's secret ingredient: greed.

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

SORRY, YOU'VE LOST ALL YOUR DATA, NOT OUR FAULT.

The Security and Exchange commission reports that Microsoft founder Bill Gates has made a personal investment of $500 million in Cox Communications. The investment appears to be show that Mr. Gates is actively pursuing an alliances with the cable industry. This comes as good news to consumers who want their cable channels to crash as much as Windows XT. "It should revolutionize the industry" said Cable spokesperson Angela Whitfield. "If Gates gets his hands on cable, people will be able to feel the same sense of heart-wrenching frustration experienced by users of Internet Explorer." When a reporter attempted to reach Mr. Gates by telephone, he was told Mr. Gates phone lines were experiencing "application errors."

The original content of Untrue News is Copyright 1997-2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. Photographs are used for satiric purposes only and may not be reproduced without specific permission of the original copyright holders. For text permissions, please write McGuffin@Untruenews.com

Attention Academy Award viewers: bet on "Pearl Harbor". It's pompous, overlong, historically inaccurate and badly directed, which, in our view, makes it a sure winner

 

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The original content of Untrue News is Copyright 1997-2005 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. Photographs are used for satiric purposes only and may not be reproduced without specific permission of the original copyright holders. For text permissions, please write McGuffin@Untruenews.com

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