SPECIAL ISSUE:  ENRON, CREATING ALL THE POWER AND ENERGY NECESSARY TO STEAL YOUR MONEY

INNOCENT BY ASSOCIATION

A freelance public relations expert in Washington DC says she is positive politicians at the highest level were unaware of any wrongdoing by Enron executives.

Publicist Hannelore Laufenberg said "Former Presidents Thomas Jefferson, John Quincey Adams and James K. Polk never had a clue that the Enron executives were thieves. And still don't." (Ms. Laufenberg heads Laufenberg Associates, a publicity firm.)

IMMODEST PROPOSAL

WE RECOMMEND: In addition to full restitution to shareholders and employees, Untrue News suggests that each person whose retirement fund was lost in the Enron collapse be permitted to hit Kenny Boy once in the face. The 28 biggest losers get to extract his teeth.

BYE BYE BAXTER

Former Enron executive Cliff Baxter shot himself after leaving a suicide note. Baxter, who resigned from the company last May, made $35 million profit selling his Enron stock at the top of the market. Untrue news offers a free handgun and bullet to every Enron executive, accountant, and attorney who follows Mr. Baxter's example.

In a related story, Untrue News has learned that Enron executives are not well known to the general public. In a recent survey, 56% of the people questioned thought "Kenneth Lay" made potato chips, and 60% thought "Cliff Baxter" was Jim Belushi's wacky next door neighbor

YOU THE PEOPLE SPEAK

In a recent Untrue News reader survey we asked if Al Qaeda prisoners held in Cuba were being treated humanely. Results: 100% of readers polled said "Who cares?"

THE DRUG ECONOMY

Detective Ellis Ridge displays marijuana and cash confiscated from an alleged drug dealer after a recent traffic stop. Detective Ridge told Untrue News "What you see displayed here is fifty pounds of high grade marijuana and six thousand dollars in cash. Wait, I mean 25 pounds of marijuana and three thousand in cash. No, wait, make that a kilo of marijuana and no cash at all."

THE CLEANUP CREW

A fleet of 300 rental trucks has been ordered by the White House maintenance staff. The trucks will be employed to haul away the bullshit following President Bush's State of the Union address.

JAVA JIVE

Starbucks employees analyze their company's coffee in an attempt to figure out why it costs $4.00 a cup. The analysis revealed the company's secret ingredient: greed.