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July 1, 2002
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EL NORTE
Oh Canada!
July 1st is Canada Day! Canada day is when Canadians who live in Canada think about Canada. (For more information, contact the Canadian Chamber of Commerce, Box 111, Canada, or the Canadian Historical Society, Box 112, Canada.)

THE NEWS IN HEADLINES
 
  • Bush receives colonoscopy at Camp David.
     
  • Doctors look up President
     
  • Told of how procedure works, Bush says unbelievingly "camera my ass!"
     
  • During procedure, Bush has near death experience, likens it to watching any Sandra Bullock movie after "Speed".
     
  • Waking from anesthesia, Bush asks for six wallet size and an 8 x 10 glossy
     
  • Bush recovers fully, Cheney returns to pretending not to be in charge.
DIP-LOMACY

George W. Bush said that the United States was still willing to back a provisional Palestinian state. No timetable was given, but Mr. Bush said "it could be the first step toward a final settlement and the creation of a Palestinian state with firmly defined borders before the 2004 election... errr, I mean within the next two years."

 

THIS WEEK'S GUILT TRIPS:

LIARS OF THE WEEK

Category Grandest yet Most Transparent Lie of the Week, co-winner is W. Neil Eggleston, an attorney for independent directors who have left the Enron board of directors since the company's collapse. Mr. Eggleston's winning statement is "If the management of Enron was manipulating the profits of the company, the board was completely unaware of it." Congratulations Mr. Eggleston, your novelty Pinocchio nose is in the mail.

 

TIED WITH co-winner John W. Sidgmore, WorldCom's Chief. whose winning statement is: "Our senior management team is shocked by these discoveries (of massive accounting irregularities). I want to assure our customers and employees that the company remains viable and committed to a long-term future." Mr. Sidgmore, you will have to get in touch with Mr. Eggleston to share the Pinocchio nose.

 

INSIDER PHOTO

A confident Martha Stewart gives our photographer the thumbs-up sign.

 

TV THIS WEEK:

Tuesday on MSNBC: Rev. Jerry Falwell debates his chins.

 

APOLOGY:
by McGuffin's The Untrue News Editor Mark McGuffin

We didn't mean to call Ann Coulter a whore. The statement was not intended to imply that she sold her sexual favors for money, although we have no evidence either way on this. We meant she was a whore to an ideology so conservative it would disgust Heinrich Himmler, and she will say and do anything this ideology demands of her. As journalists we respect Ms. Coulter's right to express her own opinions, as dangerous, obsessive and delusional as they may be. So on the petard of our apology we hoist Ms. Ann Coulter.

Sorry babe.

And incidentally we do not have any NAKED X-RATED PHOTOS OF ANN COULTER. We're sorry about that too. Search engines, please do not pick up our NAKED X-RATED PHOTOS OF ANN COULTER statement, as it would be deceptive, leading people to believe that we have NAKED X-RATED PHOTOS OF ANN COULTER when we have no such thing. --M.M.

Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News. No spam.

Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

PLAY IT SAFE

4th of July Safety Tips for DRINKING, DRIVING, FIREWORKS, FOOD:
by Town Safety Marshal Seldon Braden:

To insure a happy fourth of July celebration, follow these simple rules:

  • 1. Never put fireworks in food, or ignite fireworks while driving.
  • 2. Never allow fireworks to drive.
  • 3. Do not eat or drink fireworks.
  • 4. Never attempt to light fireworks with alcohol.
  • 5. Keep small children out of the way of everything, especially me.
  • 6. Do not attempt to light small children while driving.
  • 7. You don't have to come from the City of Lights to enjoy Roman candles.
  • 8. That's because the City of Lights is Paris.
  • 9. Remember drinking, driving and fireworks don't mix. They don't match either. And food fits in there somewhere too.

Have a great fourth, but a SANE one.

--SB

FINANCIAL STATEMENT, MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS, FISCAL YEAR BEGINNING JULY 1, 2001 AND ENDING JUNE 30, 2002

Circulation: 750,556
Paid circulation: 0
Free copies distributed: 750,556.
INCOME: $3.00 ***
EXPENSES: $27,462.14

***represents ticket containing winning powerball (02) purchased in Sept, 2001.

Certified and attested to by Zino Sardini CPA, Arthur Andersen Inc.
Inquiries may be addressed to Mr. Sardini at PO Box 111, A Block, Tier 7, Leavenworth, Kansas, 66048

Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

 

Clearly nobody has been paying attention,
because there is nothing whatsoever on television about the news I am going to tell you. There is nothing in the newspapers. There is nothing on radio. There is nothing on college radio, which barely qualifies as radio, and even worse, nothing on public radio. There is nothing anywhere. That is why you will be reading this here first.

I am constantly appalled at the apathy affecting people today. The item I'm about to quote to you was mentioned by several news sources, and even though it was widely reported in print and broadcast media, NOBODY PICKED UP ON WHAT IT REALLY WAS. Until now.

Item: New York City Plumbing Inspectors Charged With Taking Bribes

This story is apparently just another case of the civil service corruption known in New York as "doing business." However, buried in section 2, page 6 of the New York Times article reporting the story, I find this paragraph:

"The charges stem from the requirement, under the city's Administrative Code, that new plumbing or piping work, and new gas lines be inspected."

Now, you need some intelligence to follow along here, so please reason carefully with me: If you substitute the words "Muslim extremists" for the words "The charges" and "are planning an attack" for "stem from the requirement" and "in the Midwest" for "the city's Administrative code" and "next week" for "new plumbing" and "death to America" for "new gas lines" you have a very serious threat. One I have mentioned to the authorities who treat me as if I'm some kind of nut. We'll see.

It is not my intention to alarm or frighten you. But I believe with all my heart that an informed public is an aware public. Wear your silver foil hats at all times, and good luck to all of you.

--H.H.

The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

 

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
As you ramble on through life / brother whatever be your goal / keep your eye upon the doughnut / and not upon "The Mole."

 

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