EL NORTE July 1st is Canada Day!
Canada day is when Canadians who live in Canada think about Canada. (For more information,
contact the Canadian Chamber of Commerce, Box 111, Canada, or the Canadian Historical
Society, Box 112, Canada.)
NEWS IN HEADLINES
Bush receives colonoscopy at Camp
Doctors look up President
Told of how procedure works, Bush says
unbelievingly "camera my ass!"
During procedure, Bush has near death
experience, likens it to watching any SandraBullock movie
Waking from anesthesia, Bush asks for
six wallet size and an 8 x 10 glossy
Bush recovers fully, Cheney returns to
pretending not to be in charge.
W. Bush said that the United States was still willing to back a provisional
Palestinian state. No timetable was given, but Mr. Bush said "it could be the first
step toward a final settlement and the creation of a Palestinian state with firmly
defined borders before the 2004 election... errr, I mean within the next two years."
Category Grandest yet Most Transparent Lie
of the Week, co-winner is W. Neil Eggleston, an attorney for independent directors
who have left the Enron board of directors since the company's collapse. Mr.
Eggleston's winning statement is "If the management of Enron was manipulating the
profits of the company, the board was completely unaware of it." Congratulations
Mr. Eggleston, your novelty Pinocchio nose is in the mail.
TIED WITH co-winner John W. Sidgmore,
WorldCom's Chief. whose winning statement is: "Our senior management team is
shocked by these discoveries (of massive accounting irregularities). I want to
assure our customers and employees that the company remains
viable and committed to a long-term
future." Mr. Sidgmore, you will have to get in touch with Mr. Eggleston to share
the Pinocchio nose.
A confident Martha Stewart gives our photographer the
TV THIS WEEK:
Tuesday on MSNBC: Rev. Jerry Falwell debates his
APOLOGY: by McGuffin's The Untrue News Editor Mark
We didn't mean to call Ann Coulter a whore. The statement
was not intended to imply that she sold her sexual favors for money, although we have
no evidence either way on this. We meant she was a whore to an ideology so conservative
it would disgust Heinrich Himmler, and she will
say and do anything this ideology demands of her. As journalists we respect Ms.
Coulter's right to express her own opinions, as dangerous, obsessive and delusional as
they may be. So on the petard of our apology we hoist Ms. Ann Coulter.
And incidentally we do not have any NAKED X-RATED PHOTOS OF
ANN COULTER. We're sorry about that too. Search engines, please do not pick up our
NAKED X-RATED PHOTOS OF ANN COULTER statement, as it would be deceptive, leading people
to believe that we have NAKED X-RATED PHOTOS OF ANN COULTER when we have no such thing.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
PLAY IT SAFE
4th of July Safety Tips for
DRINKING, DRIVING, FIREWORKS, FOOD: by Town Safety Marshal Seldon Braden:
To insure a happy fourth of July celebration, follow
these simple rules:
1. Never put fireworks in food, or ignite
fireworks while driving.
2. Never allow fireworks to drive.
3. Do not eat or drink fireworks.
4. Never attempt to light fireworks with
5. Keep small children out of the way of
everything, especially me.
6. Do not attempt to light small children while
7. You don't have to come from the City of
Lights to enjoy Roman candles.
8. That's because the City of Lights is Paris.
9. Remember drinking, driving and fireworks
don't mix. They don't match either. And food fits in
there somewhere too.
Have a great fourth, but a SANE one.
STATEMENT, MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS, FISCAL YEAR BEGINNING JULY 1, 2001 AND
ENDING JUNE 30, 2002
***represents ticket containing winning
powerball (02) purchased in Sept, 2001.
Certified and attested to by Zino Sardini CPA,
Arthur Andersen Inc.
Inquiries may be addressed to Mr. Sardini at PO Box 111, A Block, Tier 7,
Leavenworth, Kansas, 66048
Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**
Clearly nobody has been
paying attention, because there is
nothing whatsoever on television about the news I am going to tell you.
There is nothing in the newspapers. There is nothing on radio. There is
nothing on college radio, which barely qualifies as radio, and even worse,
nothing on public radio. There is nothing anywhere. That is why you will be
reading this here first.
I am constantly appalled at the
apathy affecting people today. The item I'm about to quote to you was
mentioned by several news sources, and even though it was widely reported
in print and broadcast media, NOBODY PICKED UP ON WHAT IT REALLY WAS.
Item: New York City Plumbing Inspectors Charged With Taking
This story is apparently just another
case of the civil service corruption known in New York as "doing business."
However, buried in section 2, page 6 of the New York Times article
reporting the story, I find this paragraph:
"The charges stem from the
requirement, under the city's Administrative Code, that new plumbing or
piping work, and new gas lines be inspected."
Now, you need some intelligence
to follow along here, so please reason carefully with me: If you substitute
the words "Muslim extremists" for the words "The charges" and "are planning
an attack" for "stem from the requirement" and "in the Midwest" for "the
city's Administrative code" and "next week" for "new plumbing" and "death
to America" for "new gas lines" you have a very serious threat. One I have
mentioned to the authorities who treat me as if I'm some kind of nut. We'll
It is not my intention to alarm
or frighten you. But I believe with all my heart that an informed public is
an aware public. Wear your silver foil hats at all times, and good luck to
all of you.
is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal
Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
As you ramble on through life / brother whatever be your goal / keep your eye
upon the doughnut / and not upon "The Mole."