^{THE FILES}
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

Clearly nobody has been paying attention,
because there is nothing whatsoever on television about the news I am going to tell you. There is nothing in the newspapers. There is nothing on radio. There is nothing on college radio, which barely qualifies as radio, and even worse, nothing on public radio. There is nothing anywhere. That is why you will be reading this here first.

I am constantly appalled at the apathy affecting people today. The item I'm about to quote to you was mentioned by several news sources, and even though it was widely reported in print and broadcast media, NOBODY PICKED UP ON WHAT IT REALLY WAS. Until now.

Item: New York City Plumbing Inspectors Charged With Taking Bribes

This story is apparently just another case of the civil service corruption known in New York as "doing business." However, buried in section 2, page 6 of the New York Times article reporting the story, I find this paragraph:

"The charges stem from the requirement, under the city's Administrative Code, that new plumbing or piping work, and new gas lines be inspected."

Now, you need some intelligence to follow along here, so please reason carefully with me: If you substitute the words "Muslim extremists" for the words "The charges" and "are planning an attack" for "stem from the requirement" and "in the Midwest" for "the city's Administrative code" and "next week" for "new plumbing" and "death to America" for "new gas lines" you have a very serious threat. One I have mentioned to the authorities who treat me as if I'm some kind of nut. We'll see.

It is not my intention to alarm or frighten you. But I believe with all my heart that an informed public is an aware public. Wear your silver foil hats at all times, and good luck to all of you.

--H.H.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)