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July 15, 2002
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THE HEADLINE THAT SAYS IT ALL....
Bush Calls For Honesty in Business. Stock Market Plunges.

THERE IS SOMEONE STANDING BEHIND YOU, TURN AROUND, LOOK AT ME

by Untrue News special correspondent Ziggy Zubric

John Walker Lindh has pleaded guilty to two of the charges against him, thereby avoiding a possible life sentence. However, the guilty plea still carries a severe penalty.

Defense attorneys for Lindh had their worst fears confirmed today as prosecutors announced that they will seek to impose a no reach-around clause on any prison sentence that Lindh may receive. If successful, fellow inmates who sodomize Lindh will be strictly prohibited from manually stimulating him.

Prosecutors claim that Lindh’s loyalty to the Taliban abnegates his common-law right to the sexual compensation granted to “bitches” in most American prisons.

Lindh’s lawyers, however, expressed outrage at the announcement and labeled it a medieval punishment tactic. “It's cruel to force a man to face a long prison sentence knowing that his most basic right to a fair reach-around will be denied him.” said Lindh’s lawyer. “It’s un-American.”

Prison guards say that they look forward to enforcing the rule.

THE HORSE IS GONE, LOCK THE BARN

Following an attack by an armed Egyptian man on El Al Airlines personnel at Los Angeles International Airport, Democrats and Republicans agree that safety procedures should begin well before people enter an airline terminal. Democrats say security checks such as ID scanning, profiling and metal detectors should begin at airport entrance gates, while Republicans say they should begin at conception.

A BLIZZARD OF LOVE

Although it's mid-July, Steve Goldblum of Barnwell, South Carolina has tons of artificial snow delivered to his home each week. "I just love shoveling the stuff" he told our photographer "and I'm damn good at it too. Call me crazy, I dunno."

 

AMERICA'S MOST WANTED

Former chief of Worldcom, Bernie Ebbers. (artist's conception).

 

FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT

Speaking exclusively to McGuffin's The Untrue News, George W. Bush commented on his order calling for stricter legislation and harsher penalties against criminal wrongdoing by heads of major corporations. "My executive order" the President told us, "essentially declares war on fraud." Mr. Bush said he expected America's war on fraud to be as successful as America's war on drugs.


In a related story, Laura Bush has jumped on the business crime-stoppers bandwagon. In an attempt to emulate Nancy Reagan, wife of former President Ronald Reagan, Mrs. Bush has outlined a six step plan to reduce fraud and theft in the executive suite. The first lady's proposals are:

 

  • 1. Starting with kindergarten, children will be taught that stealing is wrong. Mrs. Bush said "This is a concept no longer taught at home or in school, and I believe we should revive it."
     
  • 2. Performers and celebrities with influence among teens will be recruited to write songs, perform sketches and appear on talk shows explaining what business fraud is, how to commit it, and why it's wrong.
     
  • 3. Public Service television ads, featuring well known business executives who stole billions of dollars and are now behind bars. These spots will use actors, as there are no business executives who stole billions currently behind bars.
     
  • 4. Each and every class at top business schools, such as Wharton School of Finance, Harvard Business School, etc. will emphasize honesty. Loopholes in relevant laws, legal but questionable accounting practices, and keeping several sets of books will be emphasized, so students will know what to avoid doing.
     
  • 5. A "scared straight" program for individuals considered at risk. The participants will be paraded through the ten million dollar homes of wealthy, crooked CEO's, shown their collection of antique cars, their walk-in closets larger than some apartments, their staff of servants and their elegant lifestyles. The executives will then yell at the participants and describe how awful it was to vomit just after lying under oath to a Senate committee. The disgraced execs will urge the participants not to commit business fraud, warning them that if they do, they may end up spending the rest of their lives living on oceanfront property.
     
  • 6. The Program's motto will be "If you have a chance to enrich yourself by stealing billions of dollars from your stockholders and getting away with it, just say no."

 

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MICHAEL JACKSON'S QUEST FOR EQUALITY

A McGuffin's The Untrue News editorial
by Mark McGuffin

Pop singer and homosexual pedophile Michael Jackson, with assistance from the universally beloved Rev. Al Sharpton, has accused the record industry of racism. We agree.

His claim can be supported simply by listening to the radio. Not one Michael Jackson cut was played during our week long monitoring of top-rated rap and hip-hop stations. "Just because I'm white, they shun me" said Jackson "like they shunned M.C.Hammer." When an assistant pointed out that M.C. Hammer is black, Jackson shot back "Oh."

At a press conference, an unusually candid Rev. Sharpton told Untrue News "I have spent my life seeking equality for African-Americans and for all people of color. Now I am seeking equality for another human being, and I am not deterred just because his color happens to be white."

Critics who claim Jackson's most recent CD "Invincible" is not getting air play because it's no good "simply don't understand the level of racism in this field" said Rev. Sharpton.

Sharpton left the conference, heading for Inglewood California to support the young man who was brutally beaten by the Inglewood police while handcuffed. Before he left he embraced Jackson warmly. "I shall return to you, my Caucasian brother," he whispered. "I shall return." Jackson took no further questions and left shortly thereafter with Father Greg Donovan, a Catholic priest, and two unidentified ten year old boys.
 

Note: The opinions expressed by Mr. McGuffin are not necessarily his own.

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
 

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