Q: "How come you have such a big freakin' head?"
A: "I think my head is normal size."
Q: "You're stupid."
A: "I'm sorry?"
Q: "You're a real idiot, you know that?"
A: "Why would you say something like that to me?"
Q: "You're such an asshole."
A: "Just a minute..."
Q: "Not 'just a minute'. I said you're a real asshole."
A: "Apparently the only sphincter around here is you."
Q: "I'd like to see you dead and your bloated corpse floating in the river."

-- conversation with Tom Brokaw, from "My Ten Best Interviews" by Don Imus.

Scientists using the newest and most accurate measurement techniques found Alaska's glaciers melting at more than twice the rate previously thought. Warming temperatures may be responsible for rising sea levels and dramatic climatic changes throughout the world. Democrats blame the global warming on the Republicans' refusal to pass environmental protection laws, and Republicans blame the global warming on Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky.

LOOK LOOK, ANOTHER CROOK

Army Secretary Thomas White said Thursday he is "appalled and angered'' by the scandals that drove the Enron Corp. into bankruptcy, but denied any role in or knowledge of wrongdoing while he was an Enron executive. "Really, I'm appalled and angered" the Secretary told reporters, "appalled and angered. That's a-p-p-a-l-l-e-d."

In testy exchanges with skeptical senators, White repeatedly said he had played no part in manipulating California energy prices and knew nothing of other improprieties while he helped run Enron. "In other words, gentlemen" White told the senators, "I was one of the most stupid, ill-informed and naive executives on the face of the earth."

Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif) asked for the Secretary's resignation, saying she found his answers argumentative and evasive. White countered by telling Senator Boxer she looked fat.

Asked if he had made or lost money selling Enron stock, Secretary White said "I made seventy million dollars, but money isn't important to me, integrity is."