SPECIAL "HEY IT'S ALMOST AUGUST" ISSUE, UNLESS
YOU'RE READING THIS LATE, IN WHICH CASE IT'S THE SPECIAL "HEY IT'S AUGUST ALREADY" ISSUE.
QUOTE OF THE
Q: "How come you have such a big freakin' head?" A: "I think my head is normal size." Q: "You're stupid." A: "I'm sorry?" Q: "You're a real idiot, you know that?" A: "Why would you say something like that to me?" Q: "You're such an asshole." A: "Just a minute..." Q: "Not 'just a minute'. I said you're a real asshole." A: "Apparently the only sphincter around here is you." Q: "I'd like to see you dead and your bloated corpse floating in the river."
Tom Brokaw, from "My Ten Best Interviews" by Don Imus.
WHERE'S THE TITANIC?
Scientists using the newest and most accurate
measurement techniques found Alaska's glaciers melting at more than twice the rate
previously thought. Warming temperatures may be responsible for rising sea levels and
dramatic climatic changes throughout the world. Democrats blame the global warming on
the Republicans' refusal to pass environmental protection laws, and Republicans blame
the global warming on Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky.
LOOK LOOK, ANOTHER CROOK
Army Secretary Thomas White said Thursday he is "appalled
and angered'' by the scandals that drove the Enron Corp. into bankruptcy, but denied any
role in or knowledge of wrongdoing while he was an Enron executive. "Really, I'm
appalled and angered" the Secretary told reporters, "appalled and angered. That's
In testy exchanges with skeptical senators, White repeatedly
said he had played no part in manipulating California energy prices and knew nothing of
other improprieties while he helped run Enron. "In other words, gentlemen" White told
the senators, "I was one of the most stupid, ill-informed and naive executives on the
face of the earth."
Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif) asked for the
Secretary's resignation, saying she found his answers argumentative and evasive. White
countered by telling Senator Boxer she looked fat.
Asked if he had made or lost money selling Enron stock,
Secretary White said "I made seventy million dollars, but money isn't important to me,
A SPECIAL MCGUFFIN'S THE
UNTRUE NEWS FEATURE SECTION:
BUSINESS CRIME NEWS.
VOTING WITH THEIR WALLETS
Congress passed legislation last week making it illegal for
businesses to continue using the same deceptive accounting practices that caused the
collapse of Enron and other companies, and financial ruin for many thousands of workers.
Although the new law will be tough, a Republican spokesperson told Untrue News, "We
would also like to assure our largest contributors that the rules contain enough
loopholes to guarantee the very fattest cats can keep lapping up the cream."
Asked if CEO's who cheated people out of their life savings should
go to jail, house speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois) said "No, I'll tell you who should
go to jail. Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky."
MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE
NEWS EDITORIAL: How Should We Punish These CEO Thieves?
by McGuffin's The Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin
Five executives of the disgraced Adelphia Cable Co. were arrested and
charged with looting the company for their own personal benefit. One hopes we'll see
KennyBoy Lay, Bernie Ebbers and the rest of their criminal ilk take the same perp-walk
in the near future. But this is hardly enough.
While seeing executives in handcuffs may
be gratifying to some, we feel that stricter measures are needed. Harsh punishment would
serve as a deterrent to future miscreants, and would fulfill society's need for revenge
against these thieving cocksuckers.
I propose that Congress enact the following bill providing
for punishment of business fraud and other criminal acts of CEOs as follows: For each
$1000 of investment lost, each stockholder will be allowed to strip one square
centimeter of skin from one of the defendants. When skin runs out, remaining victims can
throw salt or lit matches on a defendant of their choice. Defendants will be forced to
live in each other's feces and will be taunted throughout their sentences by the
children of their victims. This should be kept up on a daily basis for 25 years. Any
longer, we believe, would constitute cruel and unusual punishment. --M.M.
(to reach Mark McGuffin by voice, go outside and start
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
WHEN THE ASTEROID DESTROYS
THE EARTH, WILL YOU BE SAFE?
Scientists predict that
the asteroid 2002NT7 is on a collision course with earth, and may smash into it on Feb 1,
According to the NASA Jet Propulsion
Laboratory, the odds against the meteor hitting earth are one in 200,000. However, we'd
like to point out that the odds against winning the lottery are one in eighty million. And
people win it all the time!
How can you protect yourself and insure the financial security of your loved ones in times
of such great peril? It's easy with McGuffin's Calamity and Catastrophe Insurance.
For a monthly fee lower
than what you're currently paying for your car, McGuffin's Calamity and Catastrophe
Insurance will guarantee you a big payout if the earth is hit by the meteor. And, as an
added bonus if you act immediately, we'll add a clause doubling your payout if more than
half of the planet is destroyed.
Don't let the NT7
Asteroid burn you. Be safe and secure, knowing you're protected by McGuffin's, last name
in casualty insurance. When in town, visit our haggis museum.
Write today, McGuffin's Low Cost Health and
Casualty Asteroid Insurance, PO Box 111, Oranjestad, Aruba, N.A. Our high pressure
salesmen will visit your home to explain the details.
DON'T BE KICKED RIGHT IN THE STUFFIN'
YOU'LL MAKE MONEY, WE'RE NOT BLUFFIN'
GET SOME ASTEROID INSURANCE FROM MCGUFFIN.
(small print): McGuffin's Asteroid & Casualty
is not affiliated with any legitimate Insurance Company.