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June 3, 2002
 

 

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Celebrating our 300th issue without one vulgarity. We are fuckin' awesome!

Editor's note: Although Untrue News' usual tactic is to publish a factual statement followed by an allegedly humorous conclusion, we find it necessary to point out that our first item is 100% true.  --MM

WHICH ASHCROFT DO YOU BELIEVE?

ascroftSEPT 10, 2001:  Attorney General John Ashcroft rejects the FBI's plea for more money for counter terrorism, refuses to endorse an F.B.I. request for $58 million for 149 new counterterrorism field agents, 200 additional analysts and 54 additional translators.

He also proposes a $65 million cut for a program that would have given state and local counterterrorism grants for equipment and training.

ascroftSept. 12, 2001:  Mr. Ashcroft proposes $2 billion for F.B.I. counterterrorism measures.


 

(Source: New York Times June 2, 2002)
We now return to our usual tactic.

GUEST EDITORIAL --
The India-Pakistan War.
By God

GodAs you know from your reading of the book of Leviticus, I am a fierce and vengeful God. You also know from the book of Matthew that even though I am quick to anger, I still love you guys. So here is the deal on India and Pakistan. It's not that big a deal. In the first place, very few Indians or Pakistanis believe in me, so whatever happens, I'm not gonna get blamed for it. But even if someone figures it out, it shouldn't hurt those of the Judeo-Christian faith. If there is anyone among the Untrue News readership who is a follower of Jehovah (me) and you happen to be in India or Pakistan, you might wish to err on the side of caution, get me?  And here is the probable result of a nuclear conflict. Pakistan can nuke India and do severe damage to it. India can nuke Pakistan out of existence. If this happens (I'm not telling) the result will be that a nation which harbors terrorists and enemies of Judaism and Christianity will no longer exist, and India will find its own peoples decimated, reducing a serious Malthusian population explosion. If that's not a win-win situation, I don't know what is.

You ask why I don't simply bring peace to these two countries? (You see, I know what you are asking before you ask it.) My answer is, it is easier to stop a baby's crying by giving him to a neighbor than by putting sand in his diaper. So it is with India and Pakistan. No reasonable person could disagree with me, his Deity.

--G.

OIL ON TROUBLED WATERS

George W. Bush expressed approval of an agreement that would permit Iraq to sell more oil in spite of the US embargo. Bush told Untrue News "We are fine with it, as long as the oil is traded for food, medicine. stock options, and other humanitarian needs." The White House was quick to point out that by stock options, Mr. Bush meant warm clothing.

 

MEMO TO BONNIE AND CLYDE: If you had been terrorists instead of bank robbers, you two kids would be alive today.
START EATING RIGHT

Smaller Fish...Fewer Calories

55 Guppy recipes, page 14.

 

V FOR VALEDICTORY

Zayed Yasin, the Harvard student who caused an outcry with his planned commencement speech "My American Jihad" says he did not mean for his title to offend some students and pro-Israel groups. At the suggestion of faculty members on the speech committee, Mr. Yasin has changed the title to "Mein American Kampf"

A VOTE FOR YOUTH

A three-judge panel ruled last week that public libraries cannot be forced to install software that blocks sexually explicit Web sites. Moments after the decision, James K. Polk middle school students swarmed the local library, causing a crush at the doorway which injured several students and a derelict.

 

MARCHING TO PRETORIA

South African Breweries agreed today to buy the Miller Brewing Company from the Philip Morris Companies for $3.6 billion in stock.  SAB spokesman Roger Van de Kordovan told the Financial Times of London, "We simply HAD to purchase Miller, we couldn't believe Philip Morris was actually carbonating weasel piss and selling it as beer. But that's what they were doing." Asked if the new owners would change the quality of the beer, Mr. Van de Kordovan said "Not at all. We have plenty of weasels in South Africa."

 

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

News of Religion
by Untrue News religions reporter Finian Feinstein

 

MIRACLE OF THE BRUSHES

Local dressmaker Mrs. Renata Vasco claims to see the face of Jesus in this print. "I was just looking at it one day, in the 99 cent store" said Mrs. Vasco "and I said to myself "Oh my God, I'm sure I see our Lord and Savior's face in that painting."
 

Since Mrs. Vasco's discovery, the store has attracted thousands of worshippers and curiosity seekers eager to have a look at the so-called "Jesus on paper."
 

Other recent religious sightings include a Trinidadian woman who reported seeing the face of Vishnu on a shrimp roti, an auto mechanic who saw grill marks on a hamburger, and an atheist who saw nothing on a classic chicken fajita.

 

OUR NEXT ISSUE will appear on June 20th. Be sure to read this sizzling summer edition featuring Sexy Summer Swimsuits; Sex On The Beach--It's Not Just a Drink; How to Have More Sex this Summer; The Sexy Side of Al-Qeda; Sexiest Secretary--Colin Powell; The All Sex Diet; Sixteen Things you Can Do to Get Your Sex Partner to Shut Up; and The Summer's Sexiest Movie Trailers.  Remember, if you read only one issue this year...well, you've already read this one, haven't you? So you'll have to miss the sex issue. Sorry.

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. For text permissions write mcguffin@untruenews.com.   The publication date for the book "How to Be a Sitcom Star" by Emeril Lagasse has been postponed.

 
   

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