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June 17, 2002


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EPA Chief Christie Whitman has the following proposals ready for the future:

1. Repeal of the Clean Water Act. Ms. Whitman believes that if everyone had to boil drinking water, it would be good in several ways, first by saving the power companies money they would otherwise waste in cleaning up their water, second because everyone who boils water will use more gas, oil or electric power, thus ensuring good profits for the power companies, and third by making the boiling of the household water a fun family activity. "I don't see who loses on that deal." said Whitman.

2. Repeal of the ban on whale fishing and baby seal pelts. "Most of you are too young to remember" said Ms. Whitman, "but whale oil made the best bath soap ever. Really luxurious. And the baby seal pelts kept a person toasty warm in winter. The American people have been through so much--they deserve these little luxuries. And why should we let countries like Japan and Norway, who kill whales faster than you can do a TV Guide crossword puzzle, make all the money? Let's bring a little of that harpooned whale and clubbed seal cash back home."

3. Repeal of the ban on ivory. According to Ms. Whitman "From what I hear there are plenty of elephants. I went to a little fleabag circus the other day and saw six of them, so imagine how many are still in the wild. I also saw an exhibit called Girl With a TV Set Embedded in Her Stomach which looked really fake to me."

4. Repeal of the Endangered Species Act. "I've been reading up on it" said Ms. Whitman, "and you know what? Species come and go all the time. That's just Darwin. Um, I mean, not that I believe Darwin, I believe that God created the world in seven days, but I mean, according to Darwin species come and go all the time. You don't see any passenger pigeons flying around any more, do you? You don't see a lot of Monarch butterflies either. And how much sleep do you lose over that? Come on, give me a break."

5. Repeal of Child Safety Laws. "This doesn't really come under our jurisdiction" said Ms. Whitman, "but we're going to lobby the Federal Trade Commission like crazy. I was astonished to learn that it costs the toy industry and the child furniture industry millions of dollars extra each year to comply with the irresponsible safety regulations put in place by the Democrats. If fifty children a year die, and each of them had an earning potential of one hundred thousand dollars a year for sixty productive years, it still wouldn't equal what the toy and child furniture companies spend annually on safety. It makes no economic sense to save children's lives, none whatsoever."

Ms. Whitman said she will work vigorously with President Cheney to see that "all of these repeals are implemented just as soon as humanly possible."

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