Best Drinks: Beer; Bushmill's Orange Label Irish Whiskey
Jubilee Special, aged 40 years in an oaken cask buried in a peat bog and pissed on every
full moon by pregnant Irish widows. (very costly)
Worst Drinks: (there are no worst drinks)
Destinations: home; out
For more tips, send for our brochure "2 Ways to Have Fun
YOU ARE THE AIR THAT I BREATHE
Christie Whitman, head of the Environmental Protection
Agency announced a major relaxation of clean air enforcement rules governing older
coal-fired power plants and refineries. The move will vastly reduce lawsuits against
power plants that pollute the environment. Further, these power plants will now be able
to upgrade their facilities without installing antipollution equipment to control acid
rain, smog, and soot.
Although emissions from power plants have been linked to
serious illness and premature deaths, Bush press secretary Ari Fleischer
said "The President doesn't give a shit about that. All he wants to do is un-hobble the
power companies from the excessive financial burden of having to clean up after
Local officials are suing National Carnival Shows Inc.
calling their exhibit The Lady With the TV Set Embedded in Her Stomach "an obvious
A PINCH OF SAFFRON AND A DOLLOP OF WHITE COLLAR CRIME
Martha Stewart denied any wrongdoing in the ImClone
affair, in which she sold all of her shares of ImClone, a biotech company, just moments
before the company announced that the government had not approved an ImClone anti-cancer
drug, and the stock price plummeted. Speaking exclusively to McGuffin's The Untrue News, Ms.
Stewart denied she received any insider information, saying. "I don't believe that being
friends with the Chairman of the company and listening to him pour out his troubles over a
glass of vintage port and some lovely blue Stilton is the same thing as receiving insider
Sources close to Ms. Stewart say she is busy learning the Dewey
decimal system in hopes of being assigned work in the prison library.
In related stories, the following individuals or companies were
found guilty during the first two weeks of June:
1. Michael Skakel, murder
2. Arthur Andersen Co., conspiracy
3. Alan B. Bond, money manager, defrauding pension funds of millions.
4. Frederick Schultz, antiquities dealer, selling stolen artifacts.
5. Six members of the Christian Patriot Association, Portland Oregon, participating in an
illegal bank scheme which defrauded the US Government of more than $186 million.
6. John J. Connelly Jr, FBI Agent, racketeering and corruption.
7. The usual assortment of Catholic priests.
Law enforcement officials say that Ms. Stewart's crime is really
small potatoes, with one detective saying "If she wants to compete with criminals of the
caliber of Skakel and Bond, she's got her work cut out for her." One friend of Ms. Stewart's
commented "I know Martha has the ability, but does she have the desire?"
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A MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE
Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone testified in a San
Antonio courtroom defending himself against antitrust charges brought by small video
store owners against his company, which owns Blockbuster Video.
McGuffin's The Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin obtained an
exclusive interview with Mr. Redstone during a break in the proceedings.
MARK McGUFFIN: Mr. Redstone, the charge
against your company is that Blockbuster conspired with the major film studios to obtain
videos at much lower prices than could be had by the mom and pop video stores. SUMNER REDSTONE: Yes, that's what we did, but I wouldn't say
"conspired". It's simply supply and demand. If you want one cement mixing truck it'll
cost you a hundred grand, but if you want two thousand of them you're buying at deep
discount. MM: Yes, but we aren't talking about cement trucks, we're talking about
videos. Your action basically forced many smaller store owners to close. SR: Wait a minute. Jeffrey, find out how much two thousand cement trucks
will cost us, shop around, get everyone's best prices, I think I can make a buck on this.
Now, back to your question. When I took over Blockbuster in 1987 we were losing money. I
figured out that the only way to get a cash flow going was to fuck over the small
businesses. I don't like to be immodest, but I think I succeeded at doing so. Of course,
I learned it all from Andrew. MM: Andrew Carnegie? SR: Andrew Cunanan. MM: You're willing to drive people out of business for the sake of
another dollar in profits? SR: Not only am I willing to, it's my duty as an executive to maximize
profits for my shareholders. If that means destroying families and livelihoods, well,
it's not my family or livelihood being destroyed, is it? MM: You use your enormous financial power to starve competition, causing
endless personal tragedy, vast suffering, hungry children, all to make sure your
investors get a big dividend? SR: No. That is absolutely false. We don't pay a big dividend. MM: Thank you for your time, Mr. Redstone. SR: Forgive me for not standing up. I fell yesterday and sprained my
hoof. MM: You are the essence of American capitalism, sir. SR: Don't I know it.
Father and brother of Shannon Delroy, 8, greet her as she
crosses the finish line in the "Kids Drive Big Rigs" race sponsored by a local
trucking company. The race takes advantage of a loophole in the state's motor
vehicle- law which restricts driving cars to persons over 16 years of age, but says
nothing about trucks. Shannon finished the three-quarter of a mile course in seven
hours and sixteen minutes.
WHO GOT MARRIED AND WHO DIED
MARRIED: PAUL MCCARTNEY to Heather Mills.
After the ceremony, the 59 year old McCartney, quoting one of his old Beatles songs,
jokingly asked his bride "Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm
sixty-four?" Ms. Mills replied "Since you forgot to sign the pre-nup, it's not bloody
DIED: Fans of The Ramones were saddened at the passing of
one of the band's founders, DEE DEE RAMONE, who was found dead of a heroin overdose
last week, a full twenty years after it became uncool to be found dead of a heroin
DIED: JOHN J. GOTTI, powerful Gambino family crime boss died
of throat cancer in a prison hospital last week. In a related story, the career of
Armand Assante, who starred as Gotti in a 1996 television movie, is also pretty much
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