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June 17, 2002
 

 

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THIS WEEK ONLY!! NOTHING ABOUT THE MIDDLE EAST OR TERRORISTS. FOR NEWS OF TERRORIST THREATS AND THE MIDDLE EAST CRISIS, SEE ANY OTHER NEWSLETTER.

OUR EXTRA SPECIAL WEEK BEFORE SUMMER ISSUE.

WHAT THE CROWD WILL BE WEARING,
DOING, DRINKING THIS YEAR:
compiled by Untrue News Fashion Editor Ludessica "Spots" Jaramillo.

  • Hot summer fashion...shorts and t-shirts

  • Boating gear...sneakers
  • Beachwear: men: swimming trunks. women: one or two piece swimsuit
  • Evening: men: slacks, sweater women: slacks, sweater
  • Best Drinks: Beer; Bushmill's Orange Label Irish Whiskey Jubilee Special, aged 40 years in an oaken cask buried in a peat bog and pissed on every full moon by pregnant Irish widows. (very costly)
  • Worst Drinks: (there are no worst drinks)
  • Destinations: home; out

For more tips, send for our brochure "2 Ways to Have Fun This Summer"

YOU ARE THE AIR THAT I BREATHE (COUGH)

Christie Whitman, head of the Environmental Protection Agency announced a major relaxation of clean air enforcement rules governing older coal-fired power plants and refineries. The move will vastly reduce lawsuits against power plants that pollute the environment. Further, these power plants will now be able to upgrade their facilities without installing antipollution equipment to control acid rain, smog, and soot.

Although emissions from power plants have been linked to serious illness and premature deaths, Bush press secretary Ari Fleischer said "The President doesn't give a shit about that. All he wants to do is un-hobble the power companies from the excessive financial burden of having to clean up after themselves."

See more regulations Christie Whitman and the EPA want to repeal by clicking here.

 

STEP RIGHT UP

Local officials are suing National Carnival Shows Inc. calling their exhibit The Lady With the TV Set Embedded in Her Stomach "an obvious fraud".

A PINCH OF SAFFRON AND A DOLLOP OF WHITE COLLAR CRIME

Martha Stewart denied any wrongdoing in the ImClone affair, in which she sold all of her shares of ImClone, a biotech company, just moments before the company announced that the government had not approved an ImClone anti-cancer drug, and the stock price plummeted. Speaking exclusively to McGuffin's The Untrue News, Ms. Stewart denied she received any insider information, saying. "I don't believe that being friends with the Chairman of the company and listening to him pour out his troubles over a glass of vintage port and some lovely blue Stilton is the same thing as receiving insider information."

Sources close to Ms. Stewart say she is busy learning the Dewey decimal system in hopes of being assigned work in the prison library.

In related stories, the following individuals or companies were found guilty during the first two weeks of June:

1. Michael Skakel, murder
2. Arthur Andersen Co., conspiracy
3. Alan B. Bond, money manager, defrauding pension funds of millions.
4. Frederick Schultz, antiquities dealer, selling stolen artifacts.
5. Six members of the Christian Patriot Association, Portland Oregon, participating in an illegal bank scheme which defrauded the US Government of more than $186 million.
6. John J. Connelly Jr, FBI Agent, racketeering and corruption.
7. The usual assortment of Catholic priests.

Law enforcement officials say that Ms. Stewart's crime is really small potatoes, with one detective saying "If she wants to compete with criminals of the caliber of Skakel and Bond, she's got her work cut out for her." One friend of Ms. Stewart's commented "I know Martha has the ability, but does she have the desire?"

Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News. No spam.

Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

A MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE

Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone testified in a San Antonio courtroom defending himself against antitrust charges brought by small video store owners against his company, which owns Blockbuster Video.

McGuffin's The Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin obtained an exclusive interview with Mr. Redstone during a break in the proceedings.

MARK McGUFFIN: Mr. Redstone, the charge against your company is that Blockbuster conspired with the major film studios to obtain videos at much lower prices than could be had by the mom and pop video stores.
SUMNER REDSTONE: Yes, that's what we did, but I wouldn't say "conspired". It's simply supply and demand. If you want one cement mixing truck it'll cost you a hundred grand, but if you want two thousand of them you're buying at deep discount.
MM: Yes, but we aren't talking about cement trucks, we're talking about videos. Your action basically forced many smaller store owners to close.
SR: Wait a minute. Jeffrey, find out how much two thousand cement trucks will cost us, shop around, get everyone's best prices, I think I can make a buck on this. Now, back to your question. When I took over Blockbuster in 1987 we were losing money. I figured out that the only way to get a cash flow going was to fuck over the small businesses. I don't like to be immodest, but I think I succeeded at doing so. Of course, I learned it all from Andrew.
MM: Andrew Carnegie?
SR: Andrew Cunanan.
MM: You're willing to drive people out of business for the sake of another dollar in profits?
SR: Not only am I willing to, it's my duty as an executive to maximize profits for my shareholders. If that means destroying families and livelihoods, well, it's not my family or livelihood being destroyed, is it?
MM: You use your enormous financial power to starve competition, causing endless personal tragedy, vast suffering, hungry children, all to make sure your investors get a big dividend?
SR: No. That is absolutely false. We don't pay a big dividend.
MM: Thank you for your time, Mr. Redstone.
SR: Forgive me for not standing up. I fell yesterday and sprained my hoof.
MM: You are the essence of American capitalism, sir.
SR: Don't I know it.

ZOOM ZOOM

Father and brother of Shannon Delroy, 8, greet her as she crosses the finish line in the "Kids Drive Big Rigs" race sponsored by a local trucking company. The race takes advantage of a loophole in the state's motor vehicle- law which restricts driving cars to persons over 16 years of age, but says nothing about trucks. Shannon finished the three-quarter of a mile course in seven hours and sixteen minutes.

 

 

WHO GOT MARRIED AND WHO DIED

Paul McCartney and Heather MillsMARRIED: PAUL MCCARTNEY to Heather Mills. After the ceremony, the 59 year old McCartney, quoting one of his old Beatles songs, jokingly asked his bride "Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty-four?" Ms. Mills replied "Since you forgot to sign the pre-nup, it's not bloody likely."

DIED: Fans of The Ramones were saddened at the passing of one of the band's founders, DEE DEE RAMONE, who was found dead of a heroin overdose last week, a full twenty years after it became uncool to be found dead of a heroin overdose.

DIED: JOHN J. GOTTI, powerful Gambino family crime boss died of throat cancer in a prison hospital last week. In a related story, the career of Armand Assante, who starred as Gotti in a 1996 television movie, is also pretty much dead.

 

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. For text permissions write mcguffin@untruenews.com.  Confidential to Lonely and Bored in Toledo: Who isn't?

 
   

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