McGuffin's The Untrue News is recommended for persons
over the age of 16, and smart ones at that. If you are under 16 years of age, or a stupid
person, or both, there will not be much here for you.
Extra special St. Patrick's Day Issue.
May the streets of your town be awash in green beer! Go Bragh!
OOPS, WRONG COUNTRY
The President of the United States realizes there is no oil
in Afghanistan
FOUND: Weapons grade uranium and plutonium. Will
return to individual or country offering proof of ownership. Please hurry, finder is
not feeling well. Box 111, Cutter Ridge, Fla. 33157
PROTOCOLS OF THE
ELDERS OF THE WHITE HOUSE
Recently released Nixon white house tapes reveal a
conversation in the oval office in which Rev. Billy Graham makes anti-Semitic remarks
to Richard Nixon, who is heard agreeing.
All those who are surprised to learn that Billy Graham and
Richard Nixon were anti-Semitic, please raise your hands. Anyone? Anyone at all?
Come on, there must be at least one of you. Anybody?
RESULTS OF OUR RECENT
READERS' POLL
Q: Is Ken Lay :
a) a thief,
b) a crook,
c) a swindler
d) an incredibly large bucket of swine manure
Your responses: (14,457 responses)
Yes
100%
Not sure 0%
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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
News of Show Business
STORM CROWE
Angered that his acceptance speech for the best actor award
at Sunday night's BAFA ceremonies in London were edited, Russell Crowe kicked over
several chairs and then confronted Malcolm Gerrie, the producer of the BBC broadcast,
shouting obscenities at him and threatening to "make sure you never work in Hollywood,"
the London Daily Sun reported.
According to our sources in the industry, threatening a BBC
producer that he'll never work in Hollywood is like threatening Bill Gates that he'll
never work as a blackjack dealer.
BATTLE OF THE ALPHABETS
David Letterman has been
in negotiations with Disney President Robert Iger to move his late night talk show from
CBS to ABC taking over the time now occupied by Nightline and Politically
Incorrect.
Insiders are
scratching their heads over the move, with one executive quoted as saying "It's a step
sideways. Letterman and Koppel get the same number of laughs. Koppel doesn't make geeky
faces, that's the only difference."
When asked how he'd feel if he were replaced by Letterman,
Politically Incorrect's host Bill Maher's answer was drowned out by four other people
all talking over him.
AN AD FOR ALL SEASONS
Russel Crowe recommends Preparation H... first choice of real assholes.
HAVE ANOTHER TEA CAKE, MR.
PROUST.
ABC has hired John Madden for Monday Night Football and fired
Dennis Miller, the network said Thursday. Asked why
Miller was fired, ABC-TV's Network Director Alex Walau told Untrue News "During a football game, people want
to hear about the game that's being played, not the Hegelian theory of dialectical
materialism, Blue Oyster Cult, and Candyland."
DRINKING THE
BIRD
"Bartender, Goose me!"
Listen for this phrase at fine taverns and
restaurants all across America. It means "make me a martini with Grey Goose
vodka." Grey Goose vodka has been chosen the number one vodka made in France, if
that means anything to you. It has consistently scored number 1 in international taste
tests, which is peculiar, considering the fact that vodka isn't supposed to have any
taste. But you do, so why not order the vodka that shows you know the finest when you
swill it.
Before long, everyone in your bar will be
saying "Bartender, Goose me." Get goosed. Do it today.
Grey Goose vodka, distilled
and bottled in France, Imported by Sidney Frank Importing Co. Inc.
The Alcoholic Beverages Council,
although a promotional and lobbying organization for the liquor industry,
reminds you to drink responsibly.
(If you are under 21 years of
age, you should not have read this advertisement)
