Happy Passover, Happy Easter, and happy whatever else it is
that people who don't celebrate Passover or Easter celebrate at this time. We couldn't
be bothered looking it up, this is a newsletter, not a class in comparative religion,
okay? Stop nagging us.
ONE FOR THE GIPPER
Jerusalem, George W. Bush was whisked away by security agents after a crowd tried to attack
him in front of one of Judaism's holiest sites, the wailing wall. In what his staff
described as an ill-advised attempt to emulate Ronald Reagan, Bush began his speech with
"Mr. Arafat--tear down this wall!"
EDITOR'S NOTE: We apologize to
reporter Goldie Braffman. Last week we unintentionally misspelled her byline as Goldie
"Barffman". We regret any inconvenience we may have caused, and we will take pains to
see that it never happens again. -- Mark McGuffin, Editor.
EVERYTHING'S COMIN' UP ROSIE'S
In a recent interview, talk show hostess Rosie O'Donnell came out
of the closet and admitted she was a lesbian.
ODonnell's aim is to promote state approval of adoptions by gay
couples. Proponents of gay adoptions say many children who otherwise would not be
adopted could be placed into loving families.
Meanwhile, Revs. Billy Graham, Oral Roberts and Jerry
Falwell oppose gay adoption, believing that every child should be brought up by a
heterosexual Christian couple, like Rusty and Andrea Yates.
WHAT'S A GRAMM GOING FOR THESE DAYS?
An interview with Senator Phil Gramm
by Untrue News reporter Goldie Barffman
Campaign Finance Bill won congressional approval and will be signed into law by George
W. Bush. Opponents of the reform bill include Senator Phil Gramm, a conservative Texas
Republican who waved a copy of the Constitution and declared the bill an abridgment of
free speech rights and the right to petition the government. "We are not taking away
political influence at all," Mr. Gramm said. "We are redistributing political
influence. Who are we taking it away from? We are taking it away from people who are
willing and able to use their money to enhance their free speech guaranteed by the
Constitution." Asked to explain what he meant, Senator Gramm said "Money talks."
(Full disclosure, Senator Gramm demanded a $500 cash
"donation" before he would speak to us) --G.B. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
READER POLL RESULTS
The question: Is George W. Bush hiding his real agenda from
the American people?
REVIEW Taco Bell, Route 80 at City Line Avenue. by Untrue News restaurant critic Fats Abruzzo
This restaurant has undergone a total change of style (not food
or decor) since our last visit. Under new management, the service is friendly and the six
hour wait for one's meal has been whittled down to a mere five minutes. Gone is the
employee who stared at you when you ordered a taco as though she had never heard of a taco.
Also gone is the employee who wore food handler gloves while preparing the orders, then
walked to the cash register and made change with the same gloved hands before returning to
No one disputes
the high quality of the food at Taco Bell. The quesadillas may be a bit skimpy, but the
fillings are tasty and the wrappings, Chalupas, hard and soft tacos, etc. are first rate.
However, one thing must be said. Get wise, fellas. Sometimes a man wants more than a
Mountain Dew red to go with his soft beef taco drenched in "fire" sauce. Don't be so testy
when someone brings a couple of cans of Coor's lite to your restaurant. Live and let live.
Beer is the perfect accompaniment to Mexican food, and you don't sell beer. So if a customer, who
might also happen to be a restaurant reviewer shows up with a sack full of 16 oz. silver
bullets, be accommodating. He's not hurting anyone. And while I'm here, please bring
back that cute little Chihuahua as your spokesanimal. -- F.A.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
News of Show Business
ONE SINGS, THE OTHER DOESN'T by Untrue News film and movie critic Avon Proctor
Another giant celebrity party to which I was unintentionally
not invited, and so did not attend, was singer and celebrity-daughter Liza Minelli's
wedding last week to "producer" David Gest. Calling Gest a producer is like saying
the guy who hauls the trash away from Le Cirque is in the restaurant business.
This is Ms. Minelli's 4th marriage. The reception was
celebrity-studded, including Elton John (not exactly a celebrity "stud" but you know
what I mean). Elton told me he has already begun work on a song for "when the
marriage breaks up in six months and Liza attempts suicide by chugging overproof rum and
snorting copious amounts of a percoset--crystal meth combo known as "Bucking the Dragon."
LETTERS TO UNTRUE NEWS
To the editor,
To the editor,
Not "Bucking the dragon" you idiot. Not bucking.
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McGuffin's Untrue News is proud to congratulate Best Actress Oscar Winner Halle Berry for her
win! Monster's Ball was an excellent and moving film, in which there were no scenes that
featured Halle Berry topless, naked, ornude as there were in Swordfish, co-starring John Travolta. Thumbs up!
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A deaf person reads Angelina Jolie's lips and says "Not so loud!"