March 25, 2002

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Happy Passover, Happy Easter, and happy whatever else it is that people who don't celebrate Passover or Easter celebrate at this time. We couldn't be bothered looking it up, this is a newsletter, not a class in comparative religion, okay? Stop nagging us.

ONE FOR THE GIPPER

Speaking in Jerusalem, George W. Bush was whisked away by security agents after a crowd tried to attack him in front of one of Judaism's holiest sites, the wailing wall. In what his staff described as an ill-advised attempt to emulate Ronald Reagan, Bush began his speech with "Mr. Arafat--tear down this wall!"

EDITOR'S NOTE: We apologize to reporter Goldie Braffman. Last week we unintentionally misspelled her byline as Goldie "Barffman". We regret any inconvenience we may have caused, and we will take pains to see that it never happens again. -- Mark McGuffin, Editor.

EVERYTHING'S COMIN' UP ROSIE'S

In a recent interview, talk show hostess Rosie O'Donnell came out of the closet and admitted she was a lesbian.

ODonnell's aim is to promote state approval of adoptions by gay couples. Proponents of gay adoptions say many children who otherwise would not be adopted could be placed into loving families.

Meanwhile, Revs. Billy Graham, Oral Roberts and Jerry Falwell oppose gay adoption, believing that every child should be brought up by a heterosexual Christian couple, like Rusty and Andrea Yates.

WHAT'S A GRAMM GOING FOR THESE DAYS?
An interview with Senator Phil Gramm
by Untrue News reporter Goldie Barffman

The Campaign Finance Bill won congressional approval and will be signed into law by George W. Bush. Opponents of the reform bill include Senator Phil Gramm, a conservative Texas Republican who waved a copy of the Constitution and declared the bill an abridgment of free speech rights and the right to petition the government. "We are not taking away political influence at all," Mr. Gramm said. "We are redistributing political influence. Who are we taking it away from? We are taking it away from people who are willing and able to use their money to enhance their free speech guaranteed by the Constitution." Asked to explain what he meant, Senator Gramm said "Money talks."

(Full disclosure, Senator Gramm demanded a $500 cash "donation" before he would speak to us) --G.B. (goldie@untruenews.com)

READER POLL RESULTS

The question: Is George W. Bush hiding his real agenda from the American people?

ANSWERS (15,101 responses)

37%.....................yes
27%.....................yes
36%.....................yes

RESTAURANT REVIEW
Taco Bell, Route 80 at City Line Avenue.
by Untrue News restaurant critic Fats Abruzzo

This restaurant has undergone a total change of style (not food or decor) since our last visit. Under new management, the service is friendly and the six hour wait for one's meal has been whittled down to a mere five minutes. Gone is the employee who stared at you when you ordered a taco as though she had never heard of a taco. Also gone is the employee who wore food handler gloves while preparing the orders, then walked to the cash register and made change with the same gloved hands before returning to the grill.

No one disputes the high quality of the food at Taco Bell. The quesadillas may be a bit skimpy, but the fillings are tasty and the wrappings, Chalupas, hard and soft tacos, etc. are first rate. However, one thing must be said. Get wise, fellas. Sometimes a man wants more than a Mountain Dew red to go with his soft beef taco drenched in "fire" sauce. Don't be so testy when someone brings a couple of cans of Coor's lite to your restaurant. Live and let live. Beer is the perfect accompaniment to Mexican food, and you don't sell beer. So if a customer, who might also happen to be a restaurant reviewer shows up with a sack full of 16 oz. silver bullets, be accommodating. He's not hurting anyone. And while I'm here, please bring back that cute little Chihuahua as your spokesanimal. -- F.A. (fats@untruenews.com)

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News of Show Business

ONE SINGS, THE OTHER DOESN'T
by Untrue News film and movie critic Avon Proctor

Another giant celebrity party to which I was unintentionally not invited, and so did not attend, was singer and celebrity-daughter Liza Minelli's wedding last week to "producer" David Gest. Calling Gest a producer is like saying the guy who hauls the trash away from Le Cirque is in the restaurant business.

This is Ms. Minelli's 4th marriage. The reception was celebrity-studded, including Elton John (not exactly a celebrity "stud" but you know what I mean). Elton told me he has already begun work on a song for "when the marriage breaks up in six months and Liza attempts suicide by chugging overproof rum and snorting copious amounts of a percoset--crystal meth combo known as "Bucking the Dragon." --A.P. (avon@untruenews.com)

LETTERS TO UNTRUE NEWS

To the editor,

I quit.

Goldie Braffman
Washington, DC

To the editor,

Not "Bucking the dragon" you idiot. Not bucking.

Avon Proctor
Hollywood, CA.

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McGuffin's Untrue News is proud to congratulate Best Actress Oscar Winner Halle Berry for her win! Monster's Ball was an excellent and moving film, in which there were no scenes that featured
Halle Berry topless, naked, or nude
as there were in Swordfish, co-starring John Travolta. Thumbs up!

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. For text permissions write mcguffin@untruenews.com A deaf person reads Angelina Jolie's lips and says "Not so loud!"