THE WEEK IN REVIEW: Last week was the 17th week, with
35 weeks to come.
THIS WEEK'S OUTLOOK: Pessimistic
HOW ARE THINGS ON THE
FRONT? SAME AS THINGS ON THE BACK. (Special to Untrue News)
In some areas of Israel and the west bank some soldiers were
shooting and some people were killed and then there was a lot of screaming and shouting
and accusations back and forth and then someone else was shooting and some other people
got killed and for more news of the middle east, just keep reading this paragraph over
and over and over.
"Cardinal sin is what again?"
BUSH GOES BI-BYE
Bipartisan Bush to Deploy Democrats
by Untrue News special correspondent Ziggy Zubric
Living up to his campaign promise of strong
bipartisanship, President Bush announced today that he will be deploying several key
Democrats to volatile areas around the globe. Calling these areas “hotbeds of
anti-American aggression,” the president said he hopes the Democratic leaders will bring
stability to these regions, “or die trying.”
Former vice president Al Gore will be sent to Iraq, Senator
Hillary Clinton to Ramallah, and Senator Russ Feingold to Iran. “Good luck,” the
president told the departing Democrats. “May your missions bring peace, or leave you
resting in it.” --Z.Z. (email@example.com)
SEX AND THE
Father Paul Shanley was arrested on charges of child rape last
week. Father Shanley's defense counsel argued that parents should have grown suspicious
when Father Shanley insisted the kids call him "Daddy".
CARDINALS 8, KIDS ZERO
Asked if the Pope's meeting with his American
Cardinals resulted in a decision that the Catholic Church will now have zero tolerance
for child abuse, Vatican spokesman Christopher Hurley told Untrue News: "Yes. And by zero
tolerance we mean not very much tolerance at all."
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
"NBC officials have received a turndown on their fifty million dollar offer to
former President Bill Clinton to host a weekly talk show. According to NBC spokeswoman
Hannah Wheeler, "Talks fell apart when Clinton wanted the guests to enter from under his
NEWS RECOMMENDED VIEWING:
The successful careers of Barbra Streisand, Jim Belushi,
Craig Kilborn and Ann Coulter are reviewed in the upcoming CBS documentary, "When
Good Things Happen to Bad People."
HEY TYSON, BITE THIS!
It will cost $54.95 to watch the Mike Tyson-Lennox Lewis fight
on pay-per-view TV on June 8. Dividing the cost by the amount of time the fight will
take, it comes to $54.95 per minute.
FOX TO HIRE EX-PRES.
The Fox Network is said to be developing a talk
show for former President Bill Clinton. Called "From Under My Desk" the show will
feature women who have been successful in films, stage work, and video cassettes.
"I'll deal with issues that are of interest to women" the
former president told Untrue News. "Such things as prostitution, pornographic modeling,
sexual issues of all kinds, the proper age of consent, beauty contests, and so on. One
of the real fun things about the show is, the guests enter from under my desk. Then I hold up a card with a number on it, like an
Olympic judge, but the home audience doesn't see how I voted. Then at the end they try
to guess what score I gave each guest. Whoo! This is, and I do mean IS, gonna be
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advertisements from qualified advertisers who conform to our stringent requirements, or
from those with deep, deep pockets.
I helped the enemies of the United States grow
fat and rich. "
"I was just
driving my car."
finance terrorist organizations."
"I'm a trucker
by profession, that's all."
subjugate women, deny them education and the right to work."
"I was only
heating my home. It's how I heat my home."
"I helped pay
for the explosive vests worn by terrorist bombers."
"I helped sponsor some of the most repressive
dictatorships in the world."
"I just needed an oil change."
Did you help the enemies of
the United States?
If you use oil, you might have.
McGuffin's The Untrue News
is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. For text permissions write
"Bipartisan Bush" Copyright 2002 by Ziggy Zubric, all rights reserved.
"If all the world's a stage, I've been wasting a lot of money on
theater tickets." --Albert Einstein