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May 6, 2002
 

 

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SPECIAL DARLING BUDS OF MAY ISSUE.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: Last week was the 17th week, with 35 weeks to come.

THIS WEEK'S OUTLOOK:   Pessimistic

HOW ARE THINGS ON THE FRONT? SAME AS THINGS ON THE BACK.
(Special to Untrue News)

In some areas of Israel and the west bank some soldiers were shooting and some people were killed and then there was a lot of screaming and shouting and accusations back and forth and then someone else was shooting and some other people got killed and for more news of the middle east, just keep reading this paragraph over and over and over.
 

 |RELIGIOUS QUESTION

Cardinal Law
 "Cardinal sin is what again?"

 

BUSH GOES BI-BYE

Bipartisan Bush to Deploy Democrats

by Untrue News special correspondent Ziggy Zubric

 

Living up to his campaign promise of strong bipartisanship, President Bush announced today that he will be deploying several key Democrats to volatile areas around the globe. Calling these areas “hotbeds of anti-American aggression,” the president said he hopes the Democratic leaders will bring stability to these regions, “or die trying.”

Former vice president Al Gore will be sent to Iraq, Senator Hillary Clinton to Ramallah, and Senator Russ Feingold to Iran. “Good luck,” the president told the departing Democrats. “May your missions bring peace, or leave you resting in it.” --Z.Z. (ziggy@untruenews.com)
 

 

SEX AND THE
VATICAN CITY

Father Paul Shanley was arrested on charges of child rape last week. Father Shanley's defense counsel argued that parents should have grown suspicious when Father Shanley insisted the kids call him "Daddy".

CARDINALS 8,  KIDS ZERO

Asked if the Pope's meeting with his American Cardinals resulted in a decision that the Catholic Church will now have zero tolerance for child abuse, Vatican spokesman Christopher Hurley told Untrue News: "Yes. And by zero tolerance we mean not very much tolerance at all."

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

News of Show Business
(editors Richard Millicent Mile (dick@untruenews.com) and Avon Proctor (Avon@untruenews.com)

PRES IS A NO SHOW

"NBC officials have received a turndown on their fifty million dollar offer to former President Bill Clinton to host a weekly talk show. According to NBC spokeswoman Hannah Wheeler, "Talks fell apart when Clinton wanted the guests to enter from under his desk."

UNTRUE NEWS RECOMMENDED VIEWING:

The successful careers of Barbra Streisand, Jim Belushi, Craig Kilborn and Ann Coulter are reviewed in the upcoming CBS documentary, "When Good Things Happen to Bad People."
 

 

HEY TYSON, BITE THIS!

It will cost $54.95 to watch the Mike Tyson-Lennox Lewis fight on pay-per-view TV on June 8. Dividing the cost by the amount of time the fight will take, it comes to $54.95 per minute.

FOX TO HIRE EX-PRES.

The Fox Network is said to be developing a talk show for former President Bill Clinton. Called "From Under My Desk" the show will feature women who have been successful in films, stage work, and video cassettes.

"I'll deal with issues that are of interest to women" the former president told Untrue News. "Such things as prostitution, pornographic modeling, sexual issues of all kinds, the proper age of consent, beauty contests, and so on. One of the real fun things about the show is, the guests enter from under my desk. Then I hold up a card with a number on it, like an Olympic judge, but the home audience doesn't see how I voted. Then at the end they try to guess what score I gave each guest. Whoo! This is, and I do mean IS, gonna be great."

 

NOTE: From time to time Untrue News will accept advertisements from qualified advertisers who conform to our stringent requirements, or from those with deep, deep pockets.

   

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I helped the enemies of the United States grow fat and rich. "

  "I was just driving my car."
  "I helped finance terrorist organizations."
  "I'm a trucker by profession, that's all."
  "I helped subjugate women, deny them education and the right to work."
  "I was only heating my home. It's how I heat my home."
  "I helped pay for the explosive vests worn by terrorist bombers."
  "By lubricating my hinges?"
 

"I helped sponsor some of the most repressive dictatorships in the world."

 

"I just needed an oil change."

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McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. For text permissions write mcguffin@untruenews.com. "Bipartisan Bush" Copyright 2002 by Ziggy Zubric, all rights reserved.

"If all the world's a stage, I've been wasting a lot of money on theater tickets." --Albert Einstein

 
   

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