TRANSCRIPT OF OUR TV SHOW.
MARK McGUFFIN: Welcome to McGuffin's The Untrue News Goes
Disco...I mean, On the Air. We will be discussing the middle east crisis during this
broadcast. Representing Israel is Mr. Avram Steinstein. And I believe sir, you
pronounce your name "Styne-steen"?
AVRAM STEINSTEIN: No Mark, it's "Steen-styne".
MARK: I'll keep that in mind. And representing the Palestinian side
HOWARD STERN: I want to say right up front, I'm not on the Palestinian
side, I'm just here taking their side for purposes of debate because the real Palestinian
spokesman bailed at the last minute. So don't get me wrong. I'm a Jew. I think
Palestinians are fat, and I don't really know any personally.
MARK: I'm sure it will be a lively debate. Let's start with you, Mr.
MARK: Sir, let me ask you, what hope is there for a lasting
peace in the middle east?
AVRAM: None as far as I can see, not with these terrorist homicide
bombers blowing themselves to bits in our discotheques and illegal nightclubs.
MARK: And Mr. Stern, your reaction?
HOWARD: He's absolutely right. Nobody in his right mind is gonna make
peace with a bunch of lunatics who think they're going to meet 72 virgins or something
bizarre like that. Even I haven't had THAT fantasy. (laughter) And what about those babes who
blew themselves up? What happens to them? In the afterlife they get to wear shoes?
MARK: No Howard, your job is to disagree with Avram.
HOWARD: Okay, he's a liar.
AVRAM: I am not a liar.
HOWARD: I know, but I have to go along with this.
MARK: Next question, Howard, do the Palestinians see any hope of
HOWARD: I could use a lasting piece myself. Or at least two lesbians
kissing. I got divorced recently, and I'll be honest with you folks, for me the sex is no
better out here than it was at home. It's just cheaper.
MARK: Interesting but off topic, Mr. Stern.
AVRAM: No, let him continue, this is fascinating stuff.
HOWARD: Let's call up a big shot, and leave a message that Mr. Flowers
called, and we'll give the number of a florist.
AVRAM: No wonder you are so deservedly famous. That is the most
hilarious thing I've ever heard.
HOWARD: Do you like fart jokes? My writers write great fart jokes.
AVRAM: Love them
HOWARD: I had mine chemically analyzed.
AVRAM: Your farts?
HOWARD: My writers.
MARK: This has been the premiere broadcast of McGuffin's The Untrue
News Goes Disco...damn, I did it again...McGuffin's The Untrue News On The Air. We hope to
continue bringing you informative, quality television. See you next time.
HOWARD: You're cool, Styne-steen.
MARK: Good night.